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Original poster

To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

215 replies

Pigsinbl4nkets12345 · 27/03/2026 08:13

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/03/2026 08:28

Is he getting worse (more set in his ways) as he ages? That was what did for my last relationship (with ND partner), as his desire to control what was in his power to control became more and more entrenched.

I agree with being absolutely neutral and factual. Tell him that there isn't time to do a full clean before you leave. Tell him that he must do (whichever bit of breakfast time you think feasible). Just tell him flatly that this is what is required if he wants the house to be clean.

But be aware of things becoming more intense. Does he listen to the news a lot? Because this might be his way of imposing order if he feels that life in general is spiralling out of control (and it can lead to becoming very difficult to live with).

EmeraldShamrock000 · 27/03/2026 08:28

Hire a cleaner it'll cut out the tweaks and he can concentrate on loading the dishwasher and daily tasks. Or let him take the reins for a week getting everyone ready for the day.

CrocusesFlowering · 27/03/2026 08:25

And don’t underestimate the effect living like this will have on your young children.

nietzscheanvibe · 27/03/2026 08:23

AggroPotato · 27/03/2026 08:17

You need to be very blunt and clear, no ambiguity.

"I am not interested in your feedback. I am not your employee. This is my home too and I will do things in my own way."

I have a ND spouse who can be a bit self absorbed so I do get it. Clarity and consistency, broken record technique. Don't expect him to understand your point of view, just tell him straight and repeat until he gets it.

This.

(and I'm the ND spouse in this scenario).

user1492757084 · 27/03/2026 08:23

Tell him that you differ. It is your home too and you like to feel more relaxed. You do not like your cup washing standards to be judged. Leave him to do the things that he likes done in a really fussy way.

Undethetree · 27/03/2026 08:23

I know that the mornings sre just one example but I really don't understand why you are doing 100% of the morning jobs, he is doing 0% yet he can nit pick at how you do it. And you're wondering how this can be dealt with?

Surely he just pitches in from now on?

Zimunya · 27/03/2026 08:22

Agree with the previous posters - 1/ a very clear, unambiguous statement that you do things your way and 2/ another clear statement that if he wants the counter tops clear when you leave the house, he is very welcome to clear them - he has more time than you in the mornings, given the split of duties.

cramptramp · 27/03/2026 08:21

You’re perfectly entitled to live in your house, the way you want to. If he wants the certain things done a particular way, he can do them. As someone else said, you’re not his employee.

likelysuspect · 27/03/2026 08:21

Does he leave before you or after you?

If he leaves before you, nothing can change

If he leaves at the same time or after you then he can put stuff in the dishwasher cant he?

I guess the dishwasher is only one apsect of this though?

MsVestibule · 27/03/2026 08:21

In that specific instance (mornings), why isn't he doing his share of breakfast duties? That would leave more time for you/him to put the dishes away.

I can't think of a way round this - he thinks things have to be 100% perfect, you're happy with 95%. Has it become more problematic lately? You've been together for a while, has this only recently become a problem?

Lmnop22 · 27/03/2026 08:19

He can bloody do it then!

FrauPaige · 27/03/2026 08:18

You invite him to load the dishwasher before he leaves

AggroPotato · 27/03/2026 08:17

You need to be very blunt and clear, no ambiguity.

"I am not interested in your feedback. I am not your employee. This is my home too and I will do things in my own way."

I have a ND spouse who can be a bit self absorbed so I do get it. Clarity and consistency, broken record technique. Don't expect him to understand your point of view, just tell him straight and repeat until he gets it.

Myskyscolour · 27/03/2026 08:17

Tell him that you would have time to load the dishwasher if he was feeding the pets and handling the kids breakfast.

hearts1989g · 27/03/2026 08:17

if he thinks he can do it better or his way is better or preferred then let him do it. Simple as. Then see where you land.