To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

He’s trying to better his life not yours. As long as the cups end up in the dishwasher in a reasonable timeframe who cares about the precise sequence of activities? I would not entertain his nonsense on this.

Well yes, it’s much easier to do those little extras when you’re literally only getting yourself ready in the morning. Maybe he gets the kids ready too and then clears up, for a change.

You’re being waaaaaay to nice.

next time he says something laugh and tell him to piss off.

So i am your husband in this scenario in the sense that it really triggers me if the dishwasher isn’t loaded before i leave the house, it triggers me if stuff isn’t clean, wiped down, i will hoover every morning before i leave. And it triggers me that my husband doesn’t do any of this. I have an irrational fear of someone turning up (even just parents/family who are in and out most days) and thinking my house is a mess or that i’m not coping.

BUT i recognise this and try really hard to not nit pick because it is 100% my issue and not DH or the rest of the families. I just crack on and do it myself and don’t make any issue of it to anyone.

Occasionally i might snap at DH if i get in from work and the house is upside down, but i do always reflect and apologise as he does share the load and do things to an average persons standards.

it also helps that he gets up and goes out on a morning to work, and i do the breakfast, kids sorted, dishwasher, hoover before work so for me my anxiety is relieved. It is unfair to inflict his standards onto you as im quite sure you clean and keep your house to a perfectly reasonable standard, it is 100% his issue to find a way to cope with.

The example you have given is specifically one where you are doing a different job to him. Is he also like this about things like vacuuming/housework? Is any of it actually about efficiency or is that just poorly disguised code for him thinking you are doing things to a too poor standard?

It does sound like it's a control thing, as in an autistic/anxiety MH thing. Tackle it in a way that is sensitive to this but bearing in mind he might not be aware of any shift. His feelings are still his feelings even if his boundaries have changed - he doesn't owe it to you not to care about something he now finds wildly irritating just because he was fine with it in the past. But equally it is your home too and if you want to leave some mugs on the side with a plan to deal with them later that is your prerogative.

You both need to really listen to each other and find a way forward that takes both your feelings into account. Eg DW could be his job, maybe DW could shift to an evening job, or plates could go in a bowl under the sink in the morning. But I know this is just one example you gave and it's a much bigger problem than plates. I don't think just going in saying it's your house too will help much if this is an autistic overwhelm/control thing but equally you're not his carer, you can approach things sensitively without just falling in with all his demands. Living together takes compromise from you both, and sometimes with ND you might need to find some unconventional rules and systems but it always comes back to how do we make this work for us both without one person just imposing rules and demands on the other.

DH will get up, feed himself and leave

Well then he can get to fuck with his constructive criticism can't he. "You do it, I'm busy." On repeat.

I don’t really have much advice but my dh is like this and we suspect he’s autistic too. I’m just always very direct that I don’t appreciate his ‘feedback’. The good thing about him though is he will laugh about it - like sometimes he comes up to me on the kitchen and I can tell he’s desperate to say something and he’ll just say ‘is it okay if I just make one tiny sugggestion’ and then we’ll kind of laugh about it.

He wouldn't want to live with me. I can currently see dust, bits on the carpet and last nights plates still in the sink! It will get done, eventually!

Another one who wants to know why he isn't doing his share in the morning.

Sorry if you’ve already answered this but why isn’t he doing his share in the mornings? He could get up earlier, do the jobs to his satisfaction and just let you ‘get up, feed yourself and then leave’.

I absolutely hate it when things arent put away properly, the pan thing would drive me round the bend, also spoons not being put where they live because then I cant find it

Interesting.
I'd reply to the OP in 2 ways.
One - your house too, and his commentary isn't helpful.
Two. I'm slightly team DH here - I also want my DH to stack the pans in ascending size and put the wooden spoons in the right place. It really takes no longer - similarly I cannot understand the logic in stacking dirty plates next to the dishwasher - just put them straight in?
Maybe he has a point?
But equally - unless he's doing an appropriate share of the life load he doesn't get to tell you how to do yours 'better'

Tell him for the next month it's his job to get the kids ready, and you'll just look after yourself and do things exactly as he wants.

He'll soon learn his method only works because he's doing the work of one person, not three. Many ND people are only really able to understand things they have directly experienced - so let him experience it.

Agree. I have a similar experience with my nd spouse.
"I'm not the maid"
"I'm not your employee"
"We are not the same person"

But most importantly "you're making me anxious" . He is putting his anxiety onto you and now causing anxiety for you.

He needs to manage his own anxiety instead of offloading it into you and expecting you to pander to him to soothe him.

Then buckle up, because it's likely to spread to a lot of other areas of your life, and it might be worth trying to find him some help before he spirals into trying to control the minutiae of your lives and your children's lives.

It's not his fault and he can't help it. But that doesn't make it any easier to live with.

“I am not interested in your feedback. I am not your employee. This is my home too and I will do things in my own way."

Love this!

@Pigsinbl4nkets12345 do you leave the stuff on the side because you don't want to load the dishwasher yet, or is it full of clean stuff? If it's full of clean stuff, you could suggest that if DH can fit in unloading the dishwasher in the morning, then the dishwasher can be loaded as the day goes on.

I don't load the dishwasher, generally, because DH likes it a certain way, so I let him crack on.

We have had this type of discussion earlier in our marriage. Essentially I am better at cleaning but I’m not as naturally tidy day to day as DH. The established rule now is ‘if it bothers you, do it yourself’. Left to him, our house would look surface tidy but most cupboards and drawers woukd be rammed and nobody would be able to find things. But if I keep things tidy on the inside then we’re basically fine.
The most important thing is to knock the idea that he is somehow entitled to ‘manage’ you because that’s about a lot more than just the dishwasher.

So all he’s doing is getting himself sorted and out of the house and he’s criticising you?! Fuck. That. He’s an arse.

Sounds like my ex husband.

He used to make me 'put away my handbag' because it bothered him. Then instruct me on how to better clean the kitchen surfaces.

I'm cleaner than your average person so I didn't take it kindly. It strays into controlling you as well as their environment.

Tell him he needs to find more effective ways of managing his neurodivergence so that it doesn’t negatively impact his family.

Im failing to see how his way is "more efficient" it will take the same amount of time in the pm as in the am. Difference is there is time to do it in the pm not so much in the am.

Also doesnt sound like the chores are that well split in the morning. If he wanta the house spotless in the am he has to take on nore responsibility to support this.

The answer is staring you both in the face. He needs to contribute more to the morning tasks, not just "feed himself and leave" while you're buzzing around like a blue arsed fly trying to sort yourself, two kids and pet.

Also he needs to accept that he doesn't get to give you orders. My husband does the thing of leaving cups and plates on the surface above the dishwasher until he finishes work, then he will load them all at once (he doesn't leave it for me to do). I hate that as I much prefer to put stuff in dishwasher immediately so I don't see the kitchen untidy every time I go in there. But I don't moan just because we are different. I either leave it or just do it myself if it's bugging me.