To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

Your DH sounds like a bit of a control freak.
You are not his housekeeper/nanny/cook!
Its your house too and it sounds like as well as almost working a full time job you are doing the lions share of the household stuff too - I am including childcare (school runs, breakfast, hair, showers, bedtime) in this.
Does your DH ever actually see his children during the week as it sounds like hes out of the house from 7.30am before breakfast and back home as 8pm, after 7.45pm bedtime.
You both need a radical rethink on how your household functions x

So how does he know things are left out when he isn’t there when you leave?

Is there a reason he can’t put the cups in the dishwasher in the morning @Pigsinbl4nkets12345

Yes, we are doing the same posts. 8 hours per week is a little more and an hour a day. She is feeding the pets, getting the kids ready, cooking their meals. She is easily doing her “extra hour”.

if he wants things done differently, he can do it himself.

OP works 32 hours to his 40 so of course she has 8hrs per week of household chores to do before they are even

This is an absolutely nauseating comment. Straight off the bat she is doing breakfasts, school runs and feeding pets every morning. She also has multiple instances of being home 1.5 hours before he is home where she is dealing with the children, making their dinners, organising bath-time and trying to tidy up before he gets home. It sounds like they're pretty 'even' on that basis alone.

If it's indefensible to leave cups on the side then HE can rinse them while she's doing all the other things she's doing in the morning while he is doing fuck all.

He has unreasonable expectations of you, it's as simple as that. It's not reasonable for him to expect everything to be clean and tidy when he gets home. It is reasonable for him to expect everything to be clean when he leaves in the morning IF he is facilitating and contributing to that. This isn't about being clinically clean, it's about unreasonable expectations. He needs to address this, not you.

He's barely doing anything, you're doing most of the work and he's criticising how you do it?! How can he justify his position??

The general consensus is that I’m a bit uptight and very defensive

you mean you both think this?

just noticed this part

He has stopped mentioning so much because he see’s that some things such as not putting the pans from largest to smallest occasionally or putting the wooden spoons in the wrong cupboard,

Putting pans in order is helpful so you can see what is available, surely? (mine are in a drawer, they are stacked inside each other so i am having problems imagining putting a big pan in front of a small pan in a cupboard)

But putting things in the wrong place? i'd be annoyed at that too. That's not how things work in our world. Everything has a proper place, otherwise it's anarchy. (early on my DH was like a pp: shove things in the nearest drawer, regardless, so surface tidy but who knew where anything was. A couple of times of me looking for something i had left out because i was going to use it again and then dumping the contents of drawers on the sofa until i found it, cured him of that)

In what universe is leaving an unwashed teacup out for a few hours indefensible, disgusting, or likely to lead pest infestation??

I think you have a major problem.

Sounds like you and this man should shack up together!!

The OP working 32hrs to the partner’s 40hrs mean she does her 8 hours getting the kids ready, dropping them off, picking them out, sorting their food, getting them ready for bed. The husband isn’t doing any of that shit. When they are both home, they should split household work equally. Doesn’t seem like that is happening either. Procrastinating and being inefficient. Oh wow wow wow. So harsh. Are you here for the drama perchance? Or are you red pill 4eva??? 🙄

I leave things above the dishwasher then load a bunch all at once. It's because you put things in different places depending on what else ends up going in. It's way more efficient than realising, oh, there's a massive pot that needs to go in so everything in its place now needs to come out.

Anyway yes the solution is always "if you are fussy about how this chore is done then feel free to do it - otherwise leave it to the person whose job it is to do it in their way".

So he does fuck all but expects you to have the house as spotless as an operating theatre?

That's not just different standards; that's outright selfish unreasonableness. I have different standards to my DP too but we both pitch in.

Time to lay it down to him.

Brilliant.

@FiatLuxAdAstra I bet OP does more housework, parenting etc than 8 hours difference.

We have a dishwasher, but there are things that don’t go in there. We wash up once after the evening meal, so those things will sit by the sink during the day until we do the washing up.

Maybe OP is running round like a headless chicken because her DH opts out of doing any of the morning routine unless it relates to him

Have only read OPs posts.

At the risk of being the 94th person to say this: if he is so much more efficient at mornings and dinners - he can do them.

IMO the finickerty one does the thing they are most fussy about and the rest of "chores" are divided to everyone's satisfaction. In my case: i do bathrooms and toilets, DH does Kitchen. The rest we share, or the one who is off/not working does the most (except that i always do bathrooms and he always does kitchen)

It does sound as though something else is going on though, and you need a calm but frank conversation about that. Marriage (especially with children) is a series of compromises.

It’s interesting how when it’s a man leaving a mess when cooking the posts always say he should do it as he goes along, and when a bloke leaves cups on the side he’s thoughtless

there’s probably some middle ground here between the op’s partner being an arse, and her being a bit untidy.

To me its a deal breaker but you have already got kids

He is a control freak. So glad I got away from someone like that as then they will be doing the same negative bs to your kids. Eg good way lets do your homework then you can do some gaming. Bad way its morning. Why have you not done your homework!!!. You are not a child though just tell him to f off and stop being a jerk

I think showers and bedtimes should be after 8pm so he sees his kids. They aren’t babies. You can take turns doing showers and bedtimes with the other one tidying up after dinner.

My partner is exactly the same and is diagnosed ADHD and Autism. Hes also spent 16 years in the military so I suspect this has a lasting impact. However, I am also on the diagnosed AuDHD and very clean and tidy myself, i like things certain ways and dont push this onto others so i sort it myself. But simply put, If its not how he would 'do it' or 'like it done' then he is told to do it himself.

I think you need to rejig duties a bit too. In the morning I always do the school run before going to work so DH gets up makes the kids breakfast and empties the dishwasher. I then get the kids ready and make sure the house is tidy before we leave. I’m like your DH and like everything just so as does my DH but he needs to help out in the morning if he wants this so you have time to pop the dishes away.

it sounds like he might need some therapy

Are we reading the same posts?
OP works 32 hours to his 40 so of course she has 8hrs per week of household chores to do before they are even. Why should he do half when she only works part time? Plus OP has said he does all the actual cleaning while she does kids, laundry and cooking,

Secondly, leaving dirty cups all day on the countertop when it takes two minutes tops to rinse and put in the dishwasher is indefensible. It’s disgusting. It attracts pests into the house.

Thirdly, putting clean spoons away in the wrong cupboards after living together for at least 9 yrs (you have a 6 and 8 yo together) sounds like weaponised incompetence to me. You know where they go, it takes just as much time and energy to put things away where they are not supposed to go as it does to put them in the usual agreed on place in the kitchen.

If you’re running around like a headless chicken, then it sounds like you’re procrastinating until the last minute and you are not being efficient.

Why cook TWO dinners? That’s the epitome of inefficient. Cook one dinner and save back yours and his to warm up for later.

If you can’t trust that your husband’s advice on how to be a bit more organised and efficient is well intentioned, then what is the point of being in a relationship? Otherwise, you are simply being contrary for the sake of it.

A lot of people seem go be focusing on the "mornings" issue but that’s not really the basic problem.

He may not like the way you do things but he needs to accept, however reluctantly, that your way is not wrong, just different, and just as valid a choice as his way. It’s not as if your way is unsanitary or unhealthy.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Your way of living annoys him and his way annoys you. So if you’re going to have a good chance of living together happily, you just each have to accept that you do things differently. At the moment it sounds as if you accept his way (when he does things) but he doesn’t accept yours.

It may make him feel better to be able to impose control on whatever he can, but he is being unreasonable to extend that to cover your actions as well as his own.

I’m diagnosed autistic, and I am particular about how I do things. I do have strong opinions on what is most effective or efficient (that I mostly keep to myself, as inside thoughts!). However, I do those jobs where it’s important to me. I’ve taken on the lion’s share of domestic work for this reason. My husband does odd bits that I don’t really care about, such as putting clean clothes away or emptying bins.