To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

I think in OPs shoes i would have one more go at telling him to STFU about what happens in the house when he is not there.

And i would also be telling him that from now on part of the morning routine belongs to him. I may even be generous enough to ask him which bits he is taking over.

If OP is the only one using the kitchen, then it is entirely up to her if she wants to continue her (IMO Batshit, but we're all different) way of stacking pots and putting away spoons. If they both use the kitchen? they need to agree where things go, but how they go is entirely up to whoever puts them away.

Didn't you post about this a coupel of weeks ago? Or is MN just filled with men who want to dictate how their wives look after the home, while they themselves swan in and out as per what's convenient.

As someone who hate it when the kitchen is not tidied up after Breakfast so that it's a mess when I come home, I can almost sympathise. Except.... Both DH and I, on our days in the morning routine, do our best to get things as tidy as possible. But, it's manic, and so sometimes that doesn't happen. Which means sometimes I come in and it's a bit messy or vice versa. Our approach is, "thank god they got the kids out the door on time."

As he's doing fuck all in the morning, I'd have zero interest in his opinion on how it's done in the morning. And him leaving early is bullshit. For a start - he could feed the pets then to free up some time. Of course, ifyou're leaving at 8:10 and only getting up at 7:45, then PERHAPS I'd have a bit more sympathy for him thinking tha tactually, you could just get on wth it, but I'm guessing that's not the case.

I also dont' understand why he's even having an issue with HOW you do things. You're still cleaning up.

Finally, I have spent 5 year sbeing completely gobsmacked that DH still doesn't know where the wooden spoons go. So I sympathise with him, again, on that. But, and here's the crucial difference, I'm not a dick. I have actually just shifted my expectation of where they are and take them from teh drawer DH likes to put them in now!

It sounds like he might have a longer commute too. If she's out of the house from 8.10am to 6.30pm (doing dropoffs and collections within that) that's 51hrs a week, compared to his 61+ hours a week without any childcare.

I have no clue why 2 dinners need to be made (twice the cooking, twice the mess surely).

There's definitely some things that can easily be changed on both sides to accommodate eachother. At 6 & 8, the kids can put their own breakfast ware in the dishwasher. DH could feed the pets in the AM to give the OP an extra few minutes. Just make one dinner (either reheat parents when he arrives, or reheat a portion the next day for the kids) or either parent could do a batch cook at the weekend to get back some time during the week.

One of my favourite phrases is "feel free" - every time DH tells you that there is a better way tell him to "feel free" to do it himself (after all it will improve your efficiency in so many other areas if he is taking some chores away from you). I'd also suggest a solo week away so he has to do everything you are doing - might open his eyes to just how efficient you are already.

He lives in a home where he is a father, not a hospital where he is the chief. He might like things a certain way, but it's easier to clean up after yourself only than you and children whilst getting everyone out of the house. Success is getting everyone breakfasted and to school on time, success is not leaving clear worktops behind. He'd do well to remember that and keep his standards to himself.

His way clearly isn’t better, because he isn’t actually doing it. He’s only getting himself ready and then fucking off.

No no that only counts for men leaving cups out. When women do it’s the man who’s too uptight.

some of the responses here (tell him it’s your house and you can leave a mess if you want) would be roundly condemned if they came from a man to a woman!

Re the separate dinner, please tell me you are not cooking for the kids THEN cooking for you separately?

We always cooked for us on 1st day enough for kids next day dinner (which then just needed heating up, with very little difference eg maybe portioning off their chilli while cooking so theirs wasn't as hot with one portion without kidney beans as per child's requirements, or if pasta I'd cook that freshly but use the same sauce topping as ours the day before). Saves masses of time.

Weaponised incompetence is when someone deliberately does something badly so that the other person ends up just doing it themselves. There's no suggestion here of the DH doing these tasks himself, so it's not weaponised incompetence.

Yep, particularly if

I work 40 hours and he only works 32

What would people say if that was the other way round? They'd call it weaponised incompetence.

I must admit my wife dumps all the pots on top of the dishwasher drives me mad
never understand why you don’t just put them straight in rather than stack them on top

It doesn't sound like he is doing a lot of the cleaning at all. From your description, he gets up looks after himself and leaves, while you look after the children, come home early and do dinner while Little lord Fontelroy trots home at 8pm to critique and clean up after dinner?

But be aware of things becoming more intense. Does he listen to the news a lot?
Is there a connection between listening to the news a lot and neurodivergence?
I've never heard of this before.

Genuine question: Why can't he help it?
I get that being ND may make it difficult to manage one's tendencies, but its a big jump to say he can't help it..
Are you serious in saying he has no control over his behaviour?
What if his instinct was to commit a crime?
Why would he then be able to control himself`?
I'm willing to learn: I'm genuinely confused!
If he can't control his behaviour, who is the puppet master controlling him?

just tell him to pipe down. He leaves before you and you are home before he gets back. How does you not putting breakfast things away affect him at all?

I so agree with this. You aren’t his maid, he’s not doing anything helpful, he’s just making life worse! If I were you I would feed my kids the quickest food possible, sit my backside down, have a glass of wine and watch a film with the kids. I would leave the dishes as they aren’t my sole responsibility (the children are his too!) and the world won’t end.
I would be able to do it for more than a night occasionally but it does good! I’m a bit of a tyrant for my kitchen being tidy but even I say on a Friday night the rules relax. I need the odd bit of time where it’s okay to chill.

If he likes things done his way, but that way is no better than your way, then I think he can do them himself. How does he know the house isn’t tidy in the morning if he leaves later than you? And why should he expect to come home to a clean house when you have been using the house to make dinner etc.? It doesn’t sound like he does much cleaning other than “tweaking” so I’m not surprised it’s doing your head in to be told how to do things by someone who never does them himself. And the pots he can just rearrange in his spare time if he wants

And next time you get home, relax. Have a glass of wine and do the kids dinner. No tidying. Everyone needs a night off. If he does ‘body language’ say excuse me it’s my house too and for one single night I didn’t want to sprint around non stop from the second I got home, turn him around and walk him out the door, say I want to enjoy my home and can’t do that with you putting on your judgey asshole, I have noticed it never ever comes with offering to pick up the kids and do dinner and tidy the living room and a load of washing before I get home, you’re all criticism and not much support. You’re not my boss and don’t come back inside until you’re on board with that statement.
then relax .

"How on earth do I navigate these things?"

He seems to think he's entitled to have things a certain way and is giving you feedback as though you were the au pair or cleaner who can always do a bit better as long as they're taught how to.

If he wants things a certain way, he can pay for a cleaner to come in after you leave for work, imo.

You shouldn't be on tenterhooks because things aren't the way he likes them.

I've lost my shit with my OH leaving crap all over the place on many occasions (clutter makes me uncomfortable, anxious, and unable to focus), but the way in which he's patronisingly feeding back to you, is, I think, what's causing you to feel uncomfortable.

I'm quite a bit more blunt. "You've just walked all the way over here to put that cup there, would it kill you to bend over and put it in the dishwasher?" Or "yeah I had to rewash all the pans this morning because they were still greasy."

My OH has been diagnosed with ADHD though, so he really can't remember most of these basics most of the time.

will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life

No he's not, he's trying to better his life.

Did he grow up in an exceptionally clean household?

I did, and I can tell you it's a royal PITA being an adult and trying to force yourself to live with the mess.

Even so, you're not his au pair.

And fuck running around like a headless chicken for 1.5 hours every night. If he wants a spotless house, he can cut his hours and make it so. Even in my exceptionally clean household growing up, the bulk of the housework was done on a Saturday by all of us, not by mum and/or dad every single night.

That leaves plenty to time for him to wake the kids at 7 and get them dressed and fed before 7:30. That would be his job now while I had a cup of tea and got myself ready, then id calmly wash the cups on the side.

but you have bigger issues with him so consider counselling to work through them with a third party as my explore with rage approach at his unreasonableness might not be your preferred one

Wow, you have much more patience and tolerance than me!

I would be telling him to fuck right off with his "constructive criticism " and "commentary".

And as the children get a bit older and bedtime shifts, he can do that ...

Oh this fella would love a spreadsheet 😂

Op, look online for some ideas and send them to him. Live link and then he gets constant updates.

What a friggin prick

I think there are quick wins here like putting stuff back where it belongs or putting cups in the dishwasher instead of on the side (when the dishwasher is empty).

These are things people always moan about men doing/not doing.

So he's out of the house all day, devoid of parenting and housekeeping responsibilities, yet expects a perfect house, as per his commentary?

Who is he, Don draper?