To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

I thought she said he leaves before her

But given he gets back home after her Im not sure how he knows or sees the stuff left out

We have a rule in my house that everyone pulls their weight but if one person thinks that something should be done then they do it.

Well, there was a woman who broke up her marriage and family because her husband left a glass out. That seems unreasonable to me- I know some people have OCD, but I feel sorry for their partners and kids too, if they are that extreme.
Especially if they live together first-that should be the time people agree on what they're happy with, and if they are that extreme, they should be honest with their partner, not spring it on them after marriage.

Yes! Please write it all down for him ... your very long list of morning 'musts' versus his. Then tell him to pull his weight or fuck off.

Presumably because he leaves before they have finished using the stuff? He leaves 40 minutes before the OP she has said.

I can't quite work out how he knows / how it affects him though if the OP has it cleaned up before he gets back?

Why cant he load them into dishwasher before he leaves seeing as he only has himself to sort in the morning when you have yourself the kids and pets. If he is leaving them for you to do, and than saying that he is annoyed its not clean before you leave the house he is a moron

I can see why you're frustrated OP. I can also see why he his, though I don't think that excuses his "advice" to you when you've told him you don't want it.

I would probably argue back on the putting things straight in the dishwasher. I find this much less efficient than stacking stuff on the side and loading the dishwasher all at once as you aren't opening and shutting the door constantly and you don't have to do as much moving things around at the end to make best use of the space if you stack it all at once. Putting stuff in the dishwasher as you go is more about out of sight out of mind and having a clean look than efficiency.

But though I'd argue back, I don't think that's necessarily useful advice for you. This isn't a logic argument about the best way to keep house. This is about him trying to control how you do it. I think generally with living together there need to be some compromises. If one person likes things neat and the other is a total slob you need to meet somewhere in the middle for it to be a life you both can tolerate. But that isn't what he's after here.

Have you talked to him about you thinking he may have ASD? Specifically pointed out that what he is doing is the beginnings(?) of being controlling? That even if he were correct about one way being more efficient than another, that isn't your priority and it's controlling of him to try and insist it should be? Suggest some therapy aimed at helping cope with his feelings that things need to be so particular?

😂 I'm autistic and of course I know that my way of stacking the dishes and putting the cutlery into the dishwasher is much the better way. I do occasionally mention it as well. However, I am an adult also and understand that perhaps I am not always right (of course I am but I've got to let the less organised people have some hope 😉).
OP tell him straight - that's your way but I have my way. Like it or leave.

I would tell him that you'll learn to do things his way better by observing him doing it.

So, you get up and do your hair and make yourself a cuppa while you observe him doing everything you normally do of a morning, including getting the kids up, fed and ready.

And then tell him you're still not sure how he does it so will observe him until you've fully learnt it...should take you at least a month! 😁

'feel free'

I'm using this

😂 Gold

Try telling him to fuck off and do it himself if he wants it done a certain way and you don't ever want to here his criticism again or he gets the lot on his own.

My husband has done little things like this in the past and always got that job all to himself. The last one was sock paring, the pure look of dismay the minute the words left his mouth made me chortle. He got stuck with those for ages.

If you want something done a certain way then you do it yourself. It's as simple as that.

How does he cope with pet mess or are they fish so contained?

You are totally minimising what you do in the mornings. I'd actually write in down in two columns and hand it to him.
YOU
Get yourself washed, dressed and ready
Make sure you have everything you need for the day.
Get DC up,
Supervise them washed, teeth, dressed
Supervise them gathering any items they need for the day
Do DC's Hair,
Make everyone's breakfasts
Feed the pets
Supervise the DC getting out of the house with correct belongings
Factor in time lost in sorting any last minute DC issues/concerns
Get the DCs out of the house and ready for journey to school.

HIM.
Get himself washed and dressed
Eat his Breakfast
Leave house.

Add in the full list of extra things he expects you to do in the mornings.
In conversation.. it doesn't come across how daft his demands are. On paper its obvious.

Also point out to him that a few dishes and crumbs in the kitchen which can be cleared up on your return are minor compared with making yourself and the children late for work or school.

Be firm on this.. He sounds lacking in understanding and should do more himself if he wants a perfect house with young children.
I very much tended towards the opionion that the children were more important than housework and an immaculate house at all times and I did cleaning when I had time. He doesn't get to dictate your timetable or argue about your priorities.

"I'm your wife, not your maid."
"It's my house and family, too, and I have my own way of doing things."
"Fuck off and do it yourself if you want it done differently."

Do you know about OCD? It's very very prevalent among the ND community. It means that it is literally impossible to 'talk yourself out' of things. You can KNOW absolutely that nobody in your family will die if you don't perform certain rituals. It does not stop you from doing it. Because you feel you HAVE to, it's a compulsion.
And if he watches a lot of news and is taking on board that the world is a mess, then his need for control will increase. He can't control the world, he can only control his very tiny part of it. So he may tighten his control on those things that he CAN have control over, because it helps keep the fear of being utterly out of control in the rest of the world at bay.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave.

Then tell him he can stay until you're done sorting yourself and your mutual children BY YOURSELF and pitch in. Wanker.

"He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient".

But he doesn't do it more efficiently, He gets up, he feeds and showers himself and leaves. He leaves it all to you and then critiques you. Nope you are not being unreasonable, the house CEO is.

Maybe ask him to unload the dishwasher before you both go to bed. It really isn't hard just to put things in the dishwasher if it is empty. We have a cleaning rota at work and there is one person who leaves the spoon they have made their drink with on the worktop rather than put it in the dishwasher. Every day. Drives me mad.

You are so right about stress making it worse. I’ve just realised that!

Hmmm, I’ve got one like this. Was brought up by high ranking Army man whose standards were super-high. They still are, but he’s in his 90s so has to depend on others - who work at their pace, not his!
DP tends to want to regiment things, as that’s what he knows but I won’t allow him to, it drives me bloody daft. He has to have everything timed out and planned to the second, even stuff that hasn’t really anything to do with him, like the Ddogs feeding times and bowel habits😁
He tries to interfere with stuff like the washing (I’m old now and might just have an idea what I’m doing…🙄) and when I last hoovered the stairs.
I just shut it down.
Lifes too short for that level of faff!

This sounds insufferable.

I actually think you need to go away for a few days and leave him to do all of it - and try and achieve what you do, give your children the care and attention they need (rather than the fecking cupboards). Perhaps he will see that you are doing what's right and what actually matters. But, perhaps he won't.

Either way, he probably needs to hear how serious this is - it's not a flippant thing on your part that he is not listening to you. I presume he manages to hold down a job and isn't micromanaging his team? Because if he is, he can control this, and this starts to make it feel like a very different conversation.

It needs to be had though however difficult, because you can't live like this, and this kind of rigidity will be impacting the kids.

DH doesn’t like the way I load the dishwasher so he’s in charge of dishwasher, I’m not at all particular so everything else is shared.

Leave him a lovely long list of things to do before he leaves. Sounds like he will enjoy it 😊

@NotMajorTom but she is not leaving a mess for someone else to tidy up, she is leaving some cups out (after doing everything else in the morning) and then putting them away when she gets home.

The time when women complain about men leaving a mess, or leaving things near but not in the dishwasher is because that is the only thing the man (or woman) does.

OP does pretty much everything. Her DH just seems to direct her or goes over something she has already done as not up to his exacting standards

My husband can be like this - and gets much much worse if he is stressed about other things

However - the difference with what I read here is my husband does a huge amount of housework - I'm baffled reading this as you are doing far more childcare/cooking/ tidying - and yet he is dictating how its done?