To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

In a marriage, neither party gets to critique the other’s way of doing chores - that’s a recipe for disharmony. Each party gets to do an equal amount of the chores, unless there’s a big discrepancy in the time spent out of the house doing paid work that prevents this.
So here, if he wants it done a certain way, he does it. Your morning routine can certainly be split more evenly between the two of you. Either he does another task that needs doing to free you up the time or the answer is that you don’t have time to load the dishwasher so can he do it when he gets in.

It may be he needs to properly u derstand just how much you are doing each morning - perhaps suggest you swap roles for 5 days as you are ill and need to rest longer/need to work away etc..

Give him some constructive criticism.

Absolutely.

Honestly , why on earth do you put up with this shit?

Even if he is neurodiverse, that’s not an excuse to behave like this. why does his pseudo-anxiety, which is really control, dictate what happens in your home?

You are not a slob. You are a hard working, busy mum, who prioritises. Honestly, get him telt as my granny would have said.

He's an arsehole. I don't know how you've lasted this long.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

I'd be telling him that I'm not his employee. Stating I didn't ask for, don't want and won't be taking constructive criticism from him. So to STFU and if he thinks my response is rude, he needs to take a look at his sense of entitlement. I'd be pointing out that it's not ok to treat me, his wife, as if I'm a project for him to work on. That this is itself rude and I don't owe rude people politeness. If he ever mentioned it again it would lead to a row because there's no way I'd tolerate this behaviour from him. If it didn't stop I'd have to divorce him.

The fact you're worried about his reactions to you doing ordinary things shows this situation is already veering into coercive control territory. It's not wrong to nip it in the bud or if that isn't possible, to leave him due to it. It would be wrong to gaslight yourself that things "aren't that bad" and to remain with him, being made to feel anxious in your own home even when he isn't there.

The cause of his behaviour is irrelevant. It's a him problem so he needs to fix it (and not to attempt to do that by expecting you to pander to his expectations). His worries are his and he needs to find a solution that comes from him and doesn't involve you changing yourself. If he doesn't like you as you are, then he doesn't like you.

If you were slovenly or a gambler or a cheat, then asking for and expecting you to change isn't unreasonable. But you're not acting in any kind of unreasonable manner within this marriage, so he has no business expecting you to change. He is the unreasonable one, he is the one who needs to change, by ceasing trying to control you. If he can't see that then you don't have a cleaning problem, you have a husband problem.

Oh my god, OP, that's insane! He's moaning at you about a few things left on the side after breakfast EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T SEE THEM MOST OF THE TIME!! HE JUST 'KNOWS' THEY'RE THERE!.

You must realise that this is totally unreasonable?

Honestly, this is no way for you to live. Or your DC.

You have a choice.

Your DC won't.

They are going to have his micromanaging obsessive 'do it my way' tidying inflicted on them as they get older. They will be around him more, they'll leave things out, they'll maybe be a bit arsey with him - imagine how horrendous life in your house is going to be?

OP, you need to really get in touch with your anger over this, and start expressing it.

Personally, I would tell him to fuck right off. And when he got there, he could fuck off some more.

Why would you get a sharp scoff OP?

He works 40+ hours outside the home + clears up after adults dinner .5x5 = 2.5.
Total = 42.5.

You work 32 hours outside the home.
Plus you do probably 3.5 hrs x 5 inside the home, which is another 17.5. Total = 49.5

Then whatever happens at weekends (childcare/chores/cooking).

He's really not doing more than you.

Scoff back.

Do 'we' use them every day, or as the only one cooking do you 'you' use them every day? If he's not cooking it's fuck all to do with him where you put the spoons that you use.
Honestly he can just fuck right off. Fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF! He isn't your boss and even if he was this miserable, nitpicking, demoralising, micromanaging, pointless shit would make him a terrible boss.
Gather your strength, start telling him no and really think about if this is how you want to live because it sounds horrific.

@wracky , the wooden spoons have a place. OP's DH wants to change where they are.

XP decided to rearrange the cutlery drawer in my house. I unarranged it immediately. I no longer live with the cocklodging shit.

You're not wrong but ultimately wooden spoons go in the wooden spoon place.

Apologies if I have skipped an update on this but surely DH could completely avoid this being an issue if he just emptied the DW every morning rather than leaving it to you OP. Then it would be trivial for you to put the breakfast plates straight into the empty DW. Two birds killed with one stone, job's a good'un. If it's such a tiny trivial job to empty the DW (while also juggling kids, hair, breakfast, uniforms, teeth etc) why isn't he JFDI?

Does he genuinely think he does more @Pigsinbl4nkets12345

You’ve listed what you do for the household, what does he do? Does he need to get home so late if there are times he can come home at lunchtime?

I knew he would be wanting the spoons in the wrong place! Wooden spoons are utensils not cutlery

How often does he use utensils @Pigsinbl4nkets12345

But that "sharp scoff" is so unfair.

All it means is that you are not allowed to defend yourself against these stupid allegations. Because he dismisses what you say before you even start really.
God. How very dare you put him right and say that you do more.

You do, do more!!!

And by god that "scoff" is working. Because it makes you freeze up. That says to me that he employs that technique every time.
And it means that you cannot discuss anything with him because it will be dismissed

What a damn bully.

I suppose you could try couples counselling so that this could be show to him by a third party. But he'd probably scoff at that too.

Wooden spoons are utensils not cutlery.

But you do do more in the morning. Suggest you swap morning routines one day.

So he comes home from work for lunch... and doesn't sort it himself?

@blackpooolrock maybe DH thinks they should go in a different cupboard to what OP does, even though he doesn't seem to do any cooking. Same with pans. Maybe they aren't stacked and sometimes OP just puts a pan away without rearranging the other pans, and so when she comes to take a different pan out she may have to move another pan, so not as efficient. But again she is the one cooking, so if it doesn't bother her, not a problem.

DH moved into my home when we first got together. He had to accept the kitchen layout even though might not be how he would have had it. When we moved in to a new house, he arranged the kitchen cupboards more to his liking, but he then took on most of the cooking duties so that was fine in my eyes.

pots and pans can only go one way when put away? surely everyone stacks pots in order of size?

And how can you put spoons in the wrong cupboard after having a kitchen set out as you want it for 9 years? surely everyone has a cutlery drawer they keep cutlery in or if they don't things like wooden spoons all go together? I don't understand how someone could forget where things go after 9 years.

Life is too short to put up with this.

This is the bit I'm struggling to understand too.
If it's tidied up before he gets back, he can't possibly know about it? Unless of course... teh OP is lying and it isn't tided away.

I always don't see how the kids can't be responsible for popping a bowl or plate into the dishwasher themselves.

This
he sounds controlling never mind on the spectrum

Tell him that he doesn’t get to criticise and impose his standards on you if he doesn’t fully pitch in.
‘I don’t have time to load the dishwasher before we leave in the morning. If you want it done that way then feel free to do it. Otherwise it will wait till I get home’.