What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

He does sound like he is doing too much and could do with less to do in the evenings. Could you take some of the dog walks in the evening/weekend perhaps? It would also get you out of the house for some fresh air and time alone in your own thoughts. Also maybe not ask too much of him at the weekend in the day so that he gets some down time there too.

i do however think it’s fairer to have a lie in each a week (or at least once a fortnight) as doing overnights you deserve a rest every so often. Sunday may be best to give him Sat to recover from work. It’s not forever, they get to an age where they can get themselves up and go watch tv by themselves and then you can both have a lie in.

Honestly, in theory it sounds like you have a good balance. But, it's clearly not working for you.

Can you identify exactly what you need? Is it more unbroken sleep, more time alone either in or out of the house, a weekend nap, less mental load, a weekly cleaner, more communication or appreciation, are you worrying about his late nights or finances?

These will all have slightly different solutions and may not require him doing more, just different. I suspect you don't feel seen/ appreciated or feel you have the right to voice your needs (that's not necessarily a comment on your partner, I think as girls we are conditioned to put others first and I'm sensing that tenancy in your posts).

You've got a good partner, you're a team, I'm sure he wants you to be happy.

He doesn’t need a lie in all
weekend! Take turns! You have Saturday he has Sunday. You’re both working but he gets paid that’s the difference

At the moment it sounds like he has less free/chill time than you since he has to work until very late in the evenings and that would seem to indicate you should be taking on more. Although your health issues may mean that's not reasonable and he does need to bear a bigger proportion of the load.

I would worry with work hours like that he'll burn out, though.

Listen, there is no objective "fair" amount for each of you. You're a team and you want to try to both not feel utterly exhausted and miserable, both spend some time with the kids, both spend some time doing your own thing (your kids are still tiny though that last one might not be realistic). If you are tired and ill you allow him to do as much as he can to get you through with the understanding he will tell you if it's too much for him. If he works long hours in a hard job the same goes for you.

People love to slag off sahms on here and tell you you're lazy but it is hard exhausting often thankless work and you are a team. You should be having this conversation with him not us, especially as he unusually doesn't sound like a feckless wastrel but a perfectly reasonable person.

I'm a sahm.

I do all the shopping and cooking and most of the cleaning and tidying. Most child related admin. Bedtime 5 days a week.

DH washes up, sorts bins and sometimes DC's breakfast if WFH. Also does bathtime.

I did all the night waking until DC was 3. I exclusively breastfed so for the first year I had to. After 3, DC sadly stopped sleeping through the night unless in our bed. I was happy to keep them with us, but DH wanted them in their own room, so the deal is that if DC wakes up needing someone DH sorts it out now. Because it's his choice to put DC in their own bed.

At weekends we both get one lie in.

Your DH sounds like he does a lot.

Could you have one lie in each over the weekend? I do think its unfair to ask him to do more overnight, when you do specify that you get more sleep than him every night.

I'm not saying he should do it regularly, but once in a while, on a night when he's not working the next day. All parents need a night of unbroken sleep on occasion.

You are a partnership & that doesn’t always mean it’s 50/50. Sometimes one picks up extra to help the other like when you are not feeling your best.

you sound lucky, you have a hard working DH who still does his bit in the house and doesn’t leave it all to you.

you will get wacky answers asking this on here cos the ‘can only see black & white’ people will tell you everything should be exact. If he has a night off to go to the pub you must take the exact same amount of hours but thats just not how real life works.

like I said, you are lucky & I bet if you ask your hubby for help when you need it, he will gladly do it & if he doesn’t or complains then you can have a talk about if you are asking to much but I have hopes you have a real good one there

I don't really think it's reasonable to expect him to get up in the nights when he is regularly working until 1/2am and then getting up for work. The OP's sleep is broken, yes, but she has said that she still gets more sleep than him overall. Plus the youngest child is 18 months, so even a terrible sleeper isn't going to be waking up like a newborn baby.

My first thought is why is he working until 1-2am? Every night? He’s either inefficient, running the country or having some free time. Are you going back to work? If so he needs to look at his hours otherwise you’ll be doing what you do now and working.

I think it's less to do with what you each do, and more do to with how much free time you each get. While he sounds very busy during the week, presumably you are also pretty much flat out with things during the week, doing all childcare, cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing, admin etc, plus having broken sleep at night - but how does it work at the weekends? Are you still flat out while he does very little? Or do you share all chores and have equal downtime at the weekend?

To me, I think you should each have a lie-in at the weekend. And do you never get any unbroken nights? Perhaps he could get up in the nights on a Friday night or Saturday night, at least once in a while, if not every weekend.

Sound like he only has one in the original post?

@Selin91 can't you both have one lay in each at the weekend?

it’s not a competition. It’s just life with two young kids.

He does heaps .

I'm a sahm and your dh is doing alot. I like that he walks the dog. I wish mine would be home every evening to walk the dog. I don't cook on the weekends at all and if dh doesn't want to cook we'll eat out - if that's a suggestion for you?

Can you do the clean up from dinner and clean/tidy before bed while he does bath time etc? That way he gets time with the children, but hopefully gets to bed a bit earlier? Its a lot for him to be staying up until 1 or 2 to work. I don't think it would be fair to ask him to get up in the night if he's awake until 2am working and then going to work again the next day.

Each person should have a lie in at the weekend

I'm a sahm and DH works ft, he probably does more than that, but it's partly out of choice as he sees play time and bathtime as fun rather than a chore. DH works in the office 5 days and is home by 5.30pm. We eat around then so I cook dinner every day. He doesn't do any work once he's home. We each have a fair bit of life admin and we deal with our own.
He gets the dcs up and ready for school and we drop them off together before he goes to work. I pick up dcs and take them to clubs. DH cleans up after dinner and preps snacks for dcs and packs their school bags. We take one child each for bed time, ours are older and both sleep through. We don't have
a pet. He deals with the bins. I do the shopping online, and usually get it delivered when he's at work, if he's home then he'll help unpack. He supervises most homework and music practice. I do most craft/presentation school prep. We both play with the dcs at evenings and weekends, and go out on trips at weekends, and I look after them on my own in school holidays but they often do drop-off activities. I book days out, he plans holidays. We don't have weekend lie-ins as we're both up for dcs activities. I get more leisure time than him right now as youngest is in preschool pt, but they were both with me 24/7 before they went to preschool. I'm pretty happy with our split, it works well because we chose not to live far from DH's work so he doesn't spend hours commuting and we knew his job wouldn't involve lots of evening or weekend work when we decided to have a family.

I'd be thinking about what you want to do when you go back to work and slowly work towards that. Otherwise you'll end up doing the same and working.

Honestly he’s doing a lot but if it works for both of you great

I think you should both get a lie in, take it in turns on the weekend.

Also I think you need a break from cooking dinner every night, either DH cooks or get a takeaway or quick ready meals.