What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

Stop using the word help.

OP, is your medical condition being properly managed by your GP? If this isn't adequately addressed, no matter how many chores you load onto your husband, your underlying fatigue will not be resolved.

My first husband cut the grass and emptied the bin. I did everything else and worked.

Hello, I have almost the same set up as you (my youngest is 14 months) We also split in a similar way to you but we take turns to have a lie in at the weekends. But working til 2am regularly doesn't sound sutainable. My husband does this very occasionally but I would be worried if it was often.

Something I think posters are missing is that your husband probably wants to be with you and the kids and thats why it has worked out this way. My husband does but I have noticed with friends a lot of men want to work and then have time on their own. It's great that you are a real partnership and you shouldnt feel bad for leaning on him when you need it.

“I think the issue is sleep. I need a lot more than he does especially with my health problems and that’s always been the case but I can’t ask him to help when he’s barely sleeping as it is and I worry a lot about his health. My youngest is up every night for a minimum of 1 hour. I can never have a lie in because my 4 year old has a meltdown if I’m not there in the morning and it’s not fair to ask him to deal with that.”

Just on these practical points: it’s hard but i think you need to take matters in hand a bit. When my younger went through a phase of waking in the night at a similar age, i would climb into the spare room bed with her so i was at least horizontal and usually drift off while she was chuckling and chatting. She would fall asleep at some point and we would wake together in the morning. You don’t have to be up with your child in the middle of the night just because your child is awake. Similarly you don’t have to pander to your 4 yo because she has a meltdown. Children have meltdowns sometimes but that doesn’t mean they get what they want. It is fair to ask your DH to deal with that at weekends. Your 4 yo will learn to get over you not being there in the morning from time to time but only if that happens sometimes.

Another thing I would add, contrary to the MN consensus. Having a 'stressful' job where you do loads of hours outside of the contracted, needs to be reviewed when you become a parent. I changed my job when I had my 2nd DC, as it wasn't viable.

Likewise, I expect my DH not to let his work completely engulf our lives.

I would recommend getting back to work if you can @Selin91. I mainly WFH, although it can be intense and a busy role, not having to travel makes it much more manageable (i have a long term health condition too). When DC were small, it meant I could pay for childcare, which gave me the ability to take an AL day to myself sometimes and it worked out that we had contacts for weekend or evening babysitting too.

Am I missing something?

The dh does the dw in the morning (10 mins max) and feeds the dog (10 mins?) and wash bottles (10 mins) so that’s under 30 mins at most and he only does those tasks on the days he goes to the office.

And he sometimes helps his wife get the kids up in the morning when he is wfh,

And he helps with bath and bedtime. He doesn’t do it alone.

Sorry but I don’t see that as particularly fantastic! Why are people saying he is doing loads?

As a single person he would have to do the minium of cooking for himself most nights, emptying the dw and bins , at least two hours cleaning a week, plus food shopping and laundry, And that’s before dc were on the scene! Why should a married working man with dc do less than when he is single?

I don’t understand why everyone is saying op’s dh is contributing enough when he is working very inefficiently and doing the bare minium of housework and childcare by the sound of it.

Does your young one have worms? Earache? Poor quality nappies? A cot without comfortable temperature?

Problem solve the sleepless nights.

Team DH with the older child for getting dressed etc until they work really well together.

Life is tough when sleep is broken.
You might feel more refreshed if you do more active tasks in the early mornnig - almost like exercise - and also get some outside time with the children during the day.
Try a couple of half hour super bursts of cleaning/washing in the mornings. A super kitchen clean at night while DH is bathing the kids could also be beneficial.

Walks with the pram will give everyone a boost.

This might mean fewer chores later in the day and less stress when kids are tired.

Give yourself a lie in on the weekend too.

Mmmm so you are doing all nursery drop offs and pick ups, all night wakings, virtually all of the cooking, virtually all of the cleaning and all of the food shopping. Do you do the laundry too? And the majority of the childcare when your four year old is not at nursery.

I think the replies you get on Mumsnet are never very sympathetic to sahms tbh! And frankly I am surprised at the low expectations people have of their dh’s on the domestic side of things. It not occurring to your dh to see to the bin or empty the dw before work is not something to be celebrated!

Presumably men who are single manage to look after themselves and do some domestic chores?

Tbh I think you are both doing a lot. Part of it is because you are in the very worst of the parenting trenches atm. Things will get better gradually but not for a few years yet. This is a marathon so your arrangements need to be sustainable.

My dh has a seriously big job too but in thirty years he has only stayed up until 1 or 2 am working about three or four times when there was a dire emergency. And he managed to do a lot more around the house than your dh does.

For a start he took over the cooking at weekends and cooked Sunday lunch and either got us a takeaway on Saturday night or put together a fakeaway type dish. He always did a food shop during the week too. Mind you he enjoys cooking. He would also take the dc out by himself for a weekend morning or afternoon so I could catch up on sleep,

My point is that you both decided to have dc and the dc are both of your responsibilities.

So I think this is about time efficiency as well as hours by the clock. Your dh is a family man now, he can’t expect to continue to work in exactly the same way he did before you had children. Him going to bed so late has a knock on effect on you all. He should be able to do a reasonable job within a 7 am to 7 pm time slot. Can he work during his commute on the days he doesn’t wfh?

On your side, can you tackle why your 18 month old is waking every night for an hour? Are they hungry? Can you give them an extra feed or snack before bed? They could be going through a growth spurt? It is reasonable to expect them to be more or less sleeping through the night at this age. I know it’s not always easy but don’t allow that to become entrenched. Sleep is so important.

And why is your four year old having meltdowns in the morning if you are not there? Surely this is a sign that your dh is not involved enough? Sorry but you simply both have to power through that as a couple until your four year old is equally comfortable with both of you. It may be difficult the first couple of times but it isn’t going to improve if you don’t try.

The key here is working smarter not harder and sorry, unlike everyone else on here, I think your dh could share more of the domestic grind at weekends and he definitely needs to sort out his work hours. Sometimes just swapping roles is a rest!

So I definitely agree with pp too op that you should start gradually preparing for when you go back to work, if your health condition will allow this, so that these patterns don’t get too entrenched, and your domestic and parenting tasks and earning capacity, get split more equally in future.

I agree it sounds pretty fair. You should each get a lie in at the weekend though.

I think working on the kids sleep schedules is key, why is your child waking foe an hour every night, what time do they go to bed, when do they get up? What happens during that hour?

X-posted with Lottie!

He does lots. Put it this way, DH and I both work FT and he would not think to do any cleaning before leaving in the morning unless prompted, and even if prompted he’d often forget. He needs a list in order to even know what he should or shouldn’t be doing around the house, like a baby. Your DH sounds like a great husband.

It's your health issues OP. I get it as was a SAHM too and struggled with my health and DH working long hours and often away with work too. I had no family help either but is that a solution for you?

I still for some reason feel guilty now (I shouldn't) but I did get help from a childminder when my health was really poor, just so I could have a break, which DH was happy to pay for.

I also think you could ask DH to take a couple of hrs leave every now and then and do a night for you. Even once a month or something. Sometimes you just need a reset and that's okay.

Talk to him. I think you both sound like wonderful parents and your dh does what he can, but it's okay for that not to be enough and for you to still find it hard.

For me the issue is why is he working so late. Is that out of choice or necessity?

If the former then boundaries are required, if the latter perhaps look for a new job as that's not sustainable with being a parent.

Lots of sensible things said here already. I wanted to pick up on the bit where you said your 4 year old has a meltdown if you're not there in the morning, and you don't want your husband to have to deal with that - I have a 4 year old and she is definitely old enough not to have a tantrum just because she doesn't get her way! I'm sure he could deal fine with your 4 year old if you need a lie-in. You need to put yourself first sometimes. I do agree with the bits that your DH does quite a lot already. I imagine you're enjoying being a SAHM, but if you do just need a few hours a week, could you find a gym with a crèche, etc? At that age, I found a nanny who was happy to do 3 hours a week of housework and looking after the baby, which meant I could have a few hours to myself (my DH is away a lot with work). It is hard if you don't have any family help nearby, and especially if you have health problems, then it's worth considering solutions that don't just increase the amount your DH does.

Sorry, that sounded harsh. I didn't mean it that way. Its just that your days would be manageable to me (have done very similar, maybe more as a SAHM) but his days would probably exhaust me to tears - don't think I could handle his days at all. The 1-2am bedtime is really not good for him and seems he's constantly racing around and busy.

I never had lie ins when my dc were small, and still don’t! This isn’t me being a hero, it’s just that my body clock is set to 6am ish and I can’t just decide to lie in. DH can lie in at will though. As such, I ‘did’ both the weekend mornings but at some point during the day would go back to bed and have a nap or just some chill time. Or fall asleep on the sofa. DH would take over with the kids to let me have that catch up.

He is doing WAY too much. And i dont think i have ever said that on one of these posts before!

All I'm going to say is we have more kids and I still wouldn't expect my hubby to do all your saying especially working full time. Never have I wanted him to wake in the night I just get on with it he leaves the house 4am to start work at 5. He will always tidy before bed, dishwasher and even hang clothes out unasked before he rushes off to work he will cook clean if needed but I never ask and I actually make absolutely sure he gets lie ins at the weekend tho to him 9am is a lie in being up usually at 3:30am. But I try to have everything done so he doesn't feel he has to. I get myself a lay down on sofa in morning while our toddlers play around me if I feel exhausted

He might be an academic, you do the day job of teaching and administration tasks and then need to work all hours to fit the research in (which is the bit anyone cares about)

You don’t work and only really have one child at home most of the week whilst he is working 5 days carrying the financial load and stress for a family of 4 which is far more stressful than the mental load of food shops and cooking ….

yes he’s doing plenty

@Selin91
Can you start sleep training your DD?
That way you'll start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel....

We (when kids were younger and I was sahm), always did one lie in each, you said you’d go to him having two lie ins but imo he doesn’t need two lie ins and you deserve one! Plus it’s good for the kids to see him up and about in the morning on the morning he doesn’t work. Other we than that I think it’s sahm does what needs to be done for house and kids while other working and imo night stuff unless they need help with it eg excessive waking or child being upset a lot, then other parent helps in the evening and everyone works together at weekends to get everything done so there’s more family time