What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

What are you struggling with exactly? Would you find it easier to put the 18 month old in nursery and work yourself?

Tbh as a sahm and then as a PT worker, I did everything house related. DH was very hands on with DC, bathing bedtime etc in the evenings, but it made sense to me to get the jobs done during working days so that evenings and weekends could be family time without chores. For me, that was the main benefit of being a sahm

The only 'fair way' is for you to match his wage earning time with childcare and domestic work, then whatever doesn't get done in your work hours gets split between you.
So he works ten hours at work, you contribute ten hours in your work.
Its all a bit clinical of course, but if you can't settle organically into something that doesn't leave one or the other feeling they've got the rough end of the stick, I'm not sure how else you can do it.
I'd start by telling him how my day was spent, including time taken rather than just task completed so it was clear why you were tired and/or there were thing outstanding still to be shared out.

Your 18 month old will get there with sleep eventually but as he has a lie in once a week I don't think it is unreasonable for you to have the other day.

I've never been a sahm but my dh has always done at least 3 night shifts a week with the kids despite working full time. Whilst on maternity Monday to Friday I would have cooked before he got home but on the weekends we got a takeaway on one of the days or he cooked both days. If chores aren't shared 50:50 on the weekend then as a sahm when do you ever get respite?

You could do things to make your life easier by cooking less often but larger meals so you have left overs for the next day. Batch cooking so you have meals that are homemade in the freezer when you just don't feel up to cooking. You could do an online food order which saves you traipsing the kids to the supermarket and most importantly your time.You could get a dog walker or just decide having a dog doesn't work for your family at the moment. As for bathing kids and laundry you could consider doing laundry on set days or bathing the kids every other day (just suggestions of course,I realise we all have our own non negotiables). If there is money available you could get a cleaner in once a month to do more of a deep clean.

I'd just sit and talk about how your health issues are impacting you and how his work hours are impacting him and look at how a better balance could be achieved for your whole family.

Also this. Working all day until 5:30pm then up to 1-2am? That’s like a 16 hour day potentially

Bang on the money. Sounds pretty fair but I agree with you. Weekends OP should get Saturday morning lie in and Sunday DH gets a lie in.

DH could perhaps do the cooking at the weekends or 2/3 days out of the week.

Weekends should be 50-50 and that means childcare and cleaning cooking etc x

Just thinking practically. Your health is really important. The 18 month old needs to sleep more - can you do any sleep training? And the 4 year old should not be screaming for you in the morning and not letting you rest occasionally at the weekend. Can your DH take them out one morning at the weekend?

If money allows get a cleaner once a week?

You don’t say what your health issues are but don’t run yourself in to the ground and end up with chronic fatigue.

I’m a SAHM since having my third child.
It sounds like your husband already does a lot. Him staying up working until 1-2am at the end of his working day sounds like a lot and not sustainable for him ?

You should each have a lie in at the weekend. He should split the cooking and cleaning at the weekend too.

The way I see it - in the week you both have full time ‘jobs’ him paid work you kids/house. It’s great he’s parents and chips in with that. But the weekend you both need equal downtime. So everything split 50:50 at the weekend

I hope you can sort out something that works for you both op,

And indeed that you can both get more sleep!

My argument is that he would presumably make dinner and tidy up afterwards and make breakfast and lunch for himself at weekends too as a single person without a family?

The only difference is that he is tidying up toys.

Pet ownership is a joint decision.

Look it depends on how everyone views this but I come from having lived in Germany a while where the attitude was doing an 8 to 6 paid job is classed as “working” as is looking after an 18 month old and a four year old all day (and some of the night).

The house work should therefore be shared equally with the person who is at home perhaps doing a bit more but not substantially more.

There is a reason why childcare is expensive and that’s bc it is a demanding job too if you are doing it right.

Op, this might set the cat among the pigeons but.. sleep train and once you're getting unbroken sleep you won't know yourself.

She also said "he will always tidy up after dinner when he gets home and tidies the kitchen/play area before bed. On weekends he sometimes also makes breakfast and lunch"
As well as walking the dog. So it really sounds like he's always taking part in what needs to be done whenever he is home, and then works very late. It doesn't sound at all like he's just sitting around doing nothing while she runs around doing it all.

I think you have to take the health needs and sleep needs into account rather than looking to be equal. Personally I have low sleep needs and it's normal for me to be up until 2am and awake at 6.30am. I'm the sahm in our relationship and I use the time to do my finance admin and batch cook as the dcs would sleep through and I had uninterrupted time. It was my normal sleep time pre-dcs too, for decades. It won't lead to burn out if it's your natural sleep cycle.
DH needs to be in bed by 10pm and was always wrecked when dcs woke in the night although he would do all he could in the day. Sounds like OP is more like that and is struggling because of sleep/health needs rather than DH not pulling his weight.

OP we started our dcs in a preschool from age 2.5, just 3 hours a day, which was a good way to get a break. Your youngest is still a bit young at 18m but you could look around to see if there 1are any in your area and start them a bit early.

Why is he working till 1 or 2 and also getting up with the kids? He must be shattered.

I have no idea what you’re asking?

So your DH works FT in a demanding job and shoulders the entire financial load. He also does a lot at home when he’s there which you freely admit.

What is it you want to happen?

I’m going against the grain here. Whilst he is at work you are also working looking after one or two children and cooking/cleaning. When he is home duties should be split so in evenings/weekends you should both be doing an equal amount. Not fair for him to be watching tv whilst you clean if you have had the kids all day/cooked dinner/not stopped

so as long as in eves and weekends the domestic labour is shared then that is fair.

”more than most husbands” doesn’t cut it for me as more than zero is still zero.

That’s all well and good if the extra hours in the evening are necessary. What can he be doing between midnight and one or two though that is effective really?

It sounds like he is trying to get his evening “personal space” back after he has “helped” with bath and bed and when you have young dc you just can’t do that. You have to prioritise good sleep so you can step up the next morning.

Does your 4 year old sen as if not they need to pack in the tantrums and are old enough to amuse themselves for a short time

I think he's doing a lot but if you are struggling talk to him.

Maybe he's happy to give you a lie in each weekend to rest and spend time with his kids.

The little one will hopefully start to sleep better soon

well it sounds like he works long hours and evenings as well but pitches in when he’s there.

Are you saying that because your dh didn’t contribute sufficiently that everyone else’s husband shouldn’t?

Its sounds fair to me.