What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

I’ve just had a thought 💭
Your husband is doing a lot but so are you .
Since you have health issues? ( I think you mentioned that ) could you use nursery one day per week for your 18 month old ?
Is that possible ? Then you’re not asking more of him but that gives you some downtime

OP - I do sympathise as having little ones is tough and broken sleep is hideous. However, I do think your DH is a gem and already doing a bit more than his share. Coming from someone who has always done the lion’s share with no external support until nursery and school. My partner works away a lot so am doing 100% on my own for nearly 50% of the week.. with 5 and 6 yo boys. He’s tired and stressed when he is home so I still do more…
You are incredibly lucky.

it sounds like you’re a good team, with him stepping in more than many dads due to your health issues.

Hang on in there - things will get much better when the children are a little older. Try to remember that the sleep issues don’t last forever and once the sleep is better, things will be easier for you both.

Meant to click yabu

OP, you should get one lie in each.
The 4 year olds melt downs need dealing with.
I had 4 children and melt downs were not tolerated.
It is setting a very poor precedent IMO.
She needs to be sat down and told clearly the consequences if this happens and stick to it.
Keep reminding her.
She doesn't get to choose which parent.
Parenting involves laying down firm boundaries and this is not one to negotiate.
Your health is critically important to the family, far far ahead of a 4 year old getting to choose parent.

The lack of sleep does terrible health damage, so everything you can to help balance and compensate for this, do it.

My friend who suffered badly paid her niece to take the children on a long walk and a visit to granny. The 4 hour break for both her husband and herself on a Saturday with bought pizza for dinner was their highlight during one brutal year.

Take any short cut to get through this time is my advice.
Good luck.

I would switch it around and have a look at how much free time you both have to relax and do things for your own well being eg exercise meeting friends etc.

Sounds reasonably fair.

Your DH does a lot, but maybe you could do with taking on some different bits in return for him doing some nights, if it’s night that you struggle with? It doesn’t sound like you get any unbroken sleep or lie ins, if I’m reading it right?

Also, I wondered if you could take on walking the dog in exchange for him doing whatever childcare bits / housework you do at that time, as it sounds like you could do with the space of that. Walking the dog can be good for mental health, whereas it strikes me that a lot of the bits you have are the mentally draining bits - constantly with the kids (or at least the youngest) and in charge of the life admin. Whereas his bits are a fair amount but perhaps the more discrete tasks/ mentally more satisfying. And he has more variety in his life.

Also he could do some more bedtimes and you do some of the clearing up in peace whilst he does it, with music / the radio on?

I think it depends what his job is, my ex used to work on a day job involving night call outs, which happened often so I did all night feeding and most of the housework and cooking, he did decorating and gardening, which suited us at the time. Now DH cooks, deals with gardening and house maintenance, and I do the washing, ironing and some cleaning (we have a cleaner in for a couple of hours each week). DC are adults and we both work FT.

I'm currently a SAHP with a 5yo and a 6mo I have mental health issues and pregnancy has caused physical issues that the drs are struggling to get it the bottom of.

My partner WFH 1 or 2 days a week and in the office the other days. Office days he is up and out at 6.30 and gets home at between 5.30 and 6. On WFH days he does the school run in the morning and then works 9 until 5.30. My dad does 1 school pick up a week and then looks after the 6mo whilst I have an hour with just the 5yo. My mum does a pick up another day and take 5yo to her swimming lesson. I do all the other drop offs and pickups

My partner does the majority of the cooking, I do the food shopping and the laundry. Other bits we split but depends on how busy he is and how many physical and mental health are. He cooks enough on his WFH days so that the days he is in the office don't require too much cooking. On good days I can manage pasta and a simple sauce but bad days even this is beyond me. I have burnt a lot of pasta and rice over the last 6 months as I've been able to put it on but then not been able to keep an eye on. When he wfh he cooks us lunch as I struggle to get lunch, the other days I have something that can be put on toast without cooking or cereal bars unless I pick up a lunch from the supermarket when I do a shop

I do all the nights, my 5yo only reliably started sleeping through a year ago. My partner does all the weekend mornings. He is doing most of the bedtimes at the moment but only because the baby is currently feeding at the same time. We try to alternate as much as possible

My partner does some work during bedtime. My daughter routine includes 30 minutes of an audio book followed by guided meditation. He sits in the study upstairs whilst this is on.

For us it has been about finding the things I can do without draining all my energy and what can fit around my partners work patterns. At the weekends we split the time based on what work or housework needs doing and try to have a day for family time and the other day is flexible and sometimes doesn't involve my partner.

Good God, have I opened a page on 1950’s housewifery?! ‘Lucky you! Your hubby (barf) is doing so much!’

He’s doing a decent shift. Not more than his ‘fair share’ - how is that even calculated? And how are the ‘important decisions’ he makes at work more important than looking after very young children?

I’ve never been a SAHP but it’s not servitude and it should be mutually beneficial.

I don’t think mine is a good example, I’m not happy with the split that much. But just so you know what else is out there….. it could be worse!!

5 yo and 2 yo (nursery) and 0

me: all school and nursery runs. All extra curricular activities. All cooking during week and half weekend. All night wakes for the baby. All grocery ordering. All house cleaning.
all laundry for me and the kids. Majority of childcare solo at weekend

husband: cooks one family meal at the weekend. 2 x unload dishwasher a week (it’s on daily) 2 x hoover the downstairs.

Lie in every day on weekday while I get all kids breakfast and dressed and to school. He doesn’t come down until after we leave.
he has a lie in both days at the weekend, perhaps once a month he will give me a lie in but won’t take the baby.

He will do majority of toddler night wakes (only wakes when ill and needs calpol).

cleans the car mows the lawn. Washes own laundry

will look after older 2 kids for 2 -3 hours total at the weekend

Sorry didn't realise you have such health problems but your DH is still doing too much with not enough sleep.

Your DH stays up until 1.00 or 2.00 am to work, he shouldn't be asked to help during the night with DC and should be able to have a lie in at the weekend unless you want him to burn out, you are bu and should do more.

When I was SAHM Ihusband was military worked 8.30-6 when not away. I did everything in the home ie cleaning, shopping, cooking, packed lunches. Laundry. Husband washed dinner dishes and packed away his own laundry dry. He did bath time and bed time( every other night) as he like having time with kids. Weekends we decided on a day each to have a lie in which would alternate or flexible depending if we had a later night the night before.

Just as an aside you don't need to be bathing them every day unless they are both getting particularly filthy?

The only times I have been a SAHM are twice on maternity leave for 6-8 months, but the second time I had a 2 year old at home full time and a newborn. I did pretty much everything domestic as I was home while my husband was either at work or working from home. I had plenty of time around outings and playing etc. I work part time now and still do the lions share - all the cooking, food shopping, washing, school runs, life askin and cleaning. But my husband does do small things like hang out washing, unload the dishwasher, help clear up after meals. He also does all the gardening and the maintenance on our land. This is a fair split for us, we also equally split the evening sports training for the kids (as we both coach different sports).

Equal leisure time

My DH WHF 1 day a week and is in the office the other four days. He usually puts our 2yr old to bed after I’ve bathed 2yr old and the 10 month old. That’s pretty much it. He’ll occasionally take one of them to the park and will occasionally give the toddler breakfast as he has flexible working and tends not to head into the office early. Doesn’t do much housework or cooking.

If I ask, he’ll try and settle the baby or will occasionally get the toddler up in the morning.

@Selin91 I hear what you're saying about broken sleep. My DC1 didn't sleep through the night until he was 10 (autistic) and it's a killer. My DH worked and I was a sahm so I always let him sleep in during the week-end. I did everything concerning our 2 dc, cooking, cleaning and he did the weekly shopping.

What saved me was to have a nap every day. With one of the dcs when they were younger (I had them with me until they started school). DH made sure that I got 2 hours in the afternoon to lie down and not be disturbed. It was a lifesaver.

I‘m sorry to hear about your health issues OP. Are you on any treatment for the POTS? I hope you get to the bottom of the pain too.

It does sound tough for you. I am sure your DH wouldn’t mind taking the kids over tohis Mum’s from time to time so you could have a rest/break. And then if he could cook and help out with chores at the weekend that my help.

I do agree with the other poster that maybe going back to work would be more restful! If it’s a desk job? Then using that money for extra help in the house. But you may not be ready to yet and that’s also understandable

He does more than his fair share.

Would you consider going back to work, it does sound like part of it is you don’t enjoy being at home. Which is no judgment, I couldn’t do it, but one child is already in nursery so put the little one in and maybe you can afford a cleaner? Sleep will work itself out.

working till 1-2am cant be healthy.