Best friend seems uninterested in her toddler?

YANBU to refuse child minding
YABU to judge her parenting

"She is now on about her DC having a step dad"

Urgh. That makes me feel sick

Thank you for looking out for this child. Someone needs to

This is fucking diabolical.
6 weeks in and she is bringing the guys to hers because "childcare" despite having 1.5 days per week child free and a 48 weekend every other week..

She needs to cop on

sit her down and have a come to jesus chat.

If dave is such a love match they have eternity so maybe calm the fuck down and prioritise your small child for a while.

Maybe she is a bad mother, they do exist.

I get exhausted with the tantrums, accidents messes etc… so I completely understand that perspective but honestly she sounds selfish and a bad mum. Play pens are normal, asking people to mind your kid occasionally is also normal - but all the time, having someone mind your kid every day of the week and then trying to offload a toddler for a long weekend so you can act single. We all have days where we just crave our own space but this sounds like potential neglect. I have read way too many news stories of toddlers being neglected or abused when shitty mums fall in “love”.

Why won’t she let the dad have the child more if it’s such a burden? Obviously if he was abusive that is understandable, but if it’s just because the relationship ended badly then that is entirely selfish, using a child you don’t even want as a weapon. It would be good if the kid was allowed a parental figure in their life. Do you know the dad?

It’s great parenting!

Shes going through a phase, ive seen it bfore. The new man has given her a boost and given her the excitement she's been craving. In comparison looking after her toddler from ex isnt as exciting, her mind is on the new man. This phase does not last forever, when she comes back to earth she will feel bad for her child but nobody knows how long this phase will last.
I knew someone who went through divorce, found a new man, and her child was in the 'way' of her new exciting life and she gave up custody of the child to a family member.
She was wrapped up in her new man. When they broke up she tried to get custody back but wasn't able to.

While your friend is going thru this phase her child will take a back seat, you can step in to help during this time by babysitting more. At least he will be taken care of) if you don't feel you can due to your own life commitments then there's nothing you can do.. youl have to step back and let what happens, happen.

You can try talking to her but while she's in this phase she is likely not going to listen. She wants the new exciting life and thrill the new man gives her.

That's what OP's friend should do. Not expect others to take her child on holiday with them!

How did the relationship end badly? Unless there is abuse there is absolutely no good reason this child cannot spend more time with their father. Don't complain about having no time to yourself when you're actively stopping the other parent being involved!

And she is a CF to think you should cope with 3 toddlers when she can't even cope with one.

I used to put my son in nursery on my day off as I was so exhausted. I would use that time to do housework and maybe nap. My DC was coming home to a clean home and a rested mummy. I hadn’t checked out at all, I just needed a break once a week.

She's either very overwhelmed and struggling. Or she is very selfish. I think you need to have a conversation with her. Either way the child deserves better.

Tbf we all struggle with ‘no time to ourselves’, unfortunately it’s just part of parenting. We are feel like our freedom has died because in some ways until your kids move out / go to uni it has! I’ve never really got used to it but hey ho, tough shit for me!

Anyway, if she can’t cope with one why the hell does she think it’s okay for you to cope with 3. She needs to accept her parenting responsibilities or put him up for adoption where he will go to a loving family who have his best interests at heart.

Never in my life (and I’m almost 50) have I heard of a parent asking another parent to take their toddler away on holiday with them. It’s really not normal behaviour. This could potentially lead to a safe guarding issue further down the line.

I think you could have a big, frank talk with her about this at some point but I would only do it if you can offer concrete help because it does sound like she's struggling. You could say I'll take him one afternoon a week or something but you need to shape up and engage with him, he is suffering.

If you can't offer concrete help (and you have 2 kids of your own so that is totally reasonable) I would just see how things progress and plan to be available for the kid not for childcare but as emergency help if needed.

If you're worried she's annoyed with you because you won't take her toddler on your family holiday though it sounds like you wouldn't feel comfortable having that frank talk though. I don't blame you, but then you can't do anything. Don't offer support without the frank talk as you'll just end up a doormat.

I run playgroups, and it’s honestly quite sad how many mothers I see who seem really disengaged from their children. It’s not necessarily about relationship status either...most of the mums I know are still with their partners.

I’ve even come across social media groups for people who regret having children. There's a lot. It’s something people rarely talk about because it feels taboo, but the reality is that those feelings do exist for some.

I try to understand as I know for some parents the shift in identity can be overwhelming, and it sounds like your friend might be going through that. If she’s also had to suddenly take on a lot by herself, that can hit especially hard. Some toddlers are really hard work. It could be that this new person in her life is making her feel like an individual again.

That said, you’re completely within your rights to step back if helping her is starting to take a toll on you. It’s important to look after your own wellbeing too.

She might benefit from some sort of counselling. Someone to talk to outside of her friends and family.

Most of this sounds fairly normal.

tantruming toddlers aren’t a lot of fun to be around. I had mine in an extra day at the childminders just do I could catch up on sleep and housework!

putting them in the playpen when she has a shower and similar also sounds pretty normal.

obviously you can’t take her toddler away with you, that’s totally out of the question but it more sounds like she is struggling to be honest. It’s a tough age, especially for a single parent.

Poor DC - how awful for them.

If she's your best friend, presumably you have (or have had in the past) some sort of relationship with her ex? Could you quietly reach out to him and let him know you have concerns about his child, and suggest he offers to have the child more regularly?

Poor child.

I’ve been a single mum for 6 years and I often struggle still. It’s not an easy life. People think that after a relationship ends, it’s hard for a few months only then people pick up and carry on. When you have a child it’s not like that. It is relentless and intense for many years.

People love to criticise single mums, but they wouldn’t want their life. How would you feel if your partner left one day, or god forbid died. Few people would cope well.

You say that your friend has not had a full day with her child since last Friday as if it was a long time ago, but that was less than a week ago. The dad presumably is not judged for spending 12 days a fortnight away from his child. Parents spending a lot of time away from their child is frankly normal for working families these days.

Your friend probably needs empathy more than solutions. Instead of babysitting you could offer a shoulder to cry on, maybe ask what she has tried to help the sleep situation. She sounds burned out, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to drop everything to babysit. She needs workable long term solutions if possible. If you are happy to babysit occasionally then just say that. “Sorry, I can only do XX from now on”, rinse and repeat.

It sounds like she is lost, lonely and struggling.

it must be hard to be in a relationship & starting a family & your dream/expectation is to raise the child together to suddenly becoming a single mum.

now I know most women just get on with it even though its a struggle because there is no option.

she definitely sounds like she is rushing a relationship to get that family situation back but also at the same time struggling with all the hats of mum, single, dating, friends, work, life.

I guess her wanting care for the child all the time is part of that. She needs support but maybe not babysitter support

And she wants to pass that onto someone else?

It’s hard being a single parent I’m sure but she can’t just run-out on the child every chance she gets. The more she does, the more he’ll tantrum, scream and have battles with her. He’ll be crying out for her attention.

Sounds like the DC is in the way of her new relationship, and that’s really sad for the child. She needs to give her head a wobble.

Have you asked her what’s happening or have you just judged her from a distance?