Best friend seems uninterested in her toddler?

For the sake of the child I’d be playing her a bit.

”Get Dad to watch him… why should he have loads of free time and you have to scramble for babysitters? Get him to pull his weight and give you your free time…” Frame it as her winning and not letting him away with slacking rather than him winning.

If she’s in the mindset of feeling hard done by she may well go for it.

And the poor child will get more time with the parent who is interested in him.

I have little time for parents who neglect their children for new relationships (my parents were abusive and neglectful to the point I ended up I. The care of my grandparents), but sometimes for the sake of the child you have to be clever in how you approach it

Yeah she’ll be wanting all the child support money so is alienating her child from the father not letting him have his child more. Well the offshoot of that is that she is the primary carer and it’s disgusting she’s expecting everyone else to constantly babysit. Unless the father is a danger to the child they should be aiming for 50/50 custody. I personally could not be friends with someone like that and I would give her a wide berth I mean would she be giving you any money to take her child away with you at all? I doubt it. She’ll be pregnant in no time at all to the new fella no doubt, she seems the type.

Some people just want a baby not a child sadly. I knew someone who loved the attention of being pregnant and having a baby. The minute they were over 1 she lost interest and would get pregnant again.

Other people have children because they think they are supposed to but don't actually want them.

Other people don't realise its hard work. Someone at DHs work couldn't wait to be a mum. Planned on being a SAHM. Was back at work before the 12 months maternity leave was up because it wasn't what she expected.

It must be really hard being a single mum and baring all the mental load but it does sound like she gets plenty of time to herself. Even though she doesn't want the Dad to have more time it sounds like 50/50 would be better for everyone.

Probably because the majority of parents at a playgroup are mums. Dads are probably working.

It's ridiculous that she's preventing him having more access which he'd love to have when she's also foisting off her dc at every opportunity.

Tell her she needs to let the dad have more access instead of trying to push her kid onto babysitters constantly. Is it because she'd get less maintenance money if the dad has dc more?

I wouldn't care about losing a friendship with such a selfish woman and would do anything I could to help this child. Is she also taking drugs as the signs are there?

I’m guessing she’s struggling with the mundaneness of having a toddler, the boring activities, tantrums etc. it is hard especially on your own. And now she’s met someone and it’s exciting, new and she’s in lust. It probably does feel preferable but that doesn’t make it right for her to dump her toddler on others all the time. It will likely settle though, if the relationship continues it will reach a point of including the toddler , plus as he gets older he will get easier.
id try not to judge too much but also I wouldn’t be babysitting all the time either. Instead I’d suggest outings for you both with the kids so you are all spending quality time together.

DH and I had a similar experience with a friend that I made at a baby group, so not a long time friend but she had a break up with her sons father and I babysat a few times and it started increasing to full weekends. Her ex didn’t want to have baby weekends and neither did she.
What happened to us was probably quite extreme but the parents offered us money to keep their son with us because he became very attached to us and wanted to stay with us. We obviously declined money but allowed him to stay whenever they needed him babysat. We actually started to love the little boy and he became a part of our family but the parents relationship was so toxic that they started dropping him to us/picking him up/arguing with the other they should have them etc that DH said to them both that it was unfair on their DS that he wanted to be a part of our family and they’re using us like a service provider and to score points over the other one and they were fucking their son up by allowing him to be so attached to us whilst neither of them were bothering with him. He wanted something in place with proper times we had the little lad and not to be used as a drop off. He offended them both and they just blocked me and he obviously stopped coming over. It broke my heart not because I missed him which I obviously did but I hated him thinking in his little mind we’d just abandoned him. He spend over a week here once because his mum turned her phone off. (Tbf I knew where she lived. I could have taken him home) and he was starting to called me mummy like my son did. Once his mum “popped in” because he was “asking for my son” and the little boy kept getting his nappies out of his changing bag and waving “bye bye” to his mum so she would leave him here. My dc also became very attached to him. DH wanted to call social services because it was so extreme but I full of my own baby hormones and poor judgement said we’d just help them and then when we were blocked i rang my friend for advice who told me they’re obviously just going to say it was a malicious report and the best thing to do was focus on my own kids and not to worry. He’ll be a teenager now and I still think about how much I fucked up allowing a toddler to become so close to me when he needed his parents.
Does your friend have her parents? I’d stop babysitting now, the toddler needs their family to be stepping up. Mum is 28, not 18, tell her to grow the fuck up and do a Sarah’s and Clare’s law on any man shes allowing near her child since she has form for abusive partners.

I don’t know why you’re getting a pile on OP, she sounds like a crap mother. She’d rather be spending time with her new bf than her own child. Parenting is relentless but it sounds like she never has her child anyway! I’d have to say something to her, I couldn’t sit and watch. “I know parenting is tough, especially when they’re young, but you can’t keep fobbing her off on everybody else. You already get more downtime that most other parents so you need to step up again. Your new bf shouldn’t come before your own child. I am concerned that you aren’t giving your child enough love and attention like you used to.”

How unfair for the dad as well as the child.

It's the mother's fault the relationship ended. The father would love more time with his child. The mother wants less time with the child but is so spiteful that she'd rather the child be with non-family than with its father.

The father should have custody.

Even without the additional babysitting she gets a lot more alone time than many parents where her ex has him for part of the time.

Dad would probably be thrilled to have the toddler over Easter, it seems like the obvious solution

The concern here is a change of behaviour towards the child and a new intense relationship.

I'm surprised so many people are saying you're being judgy. You're not. It's clear that you're very concerned about a young child who is not being taken care of by his mum.
Help him. Talk frankly to your friend,nof you loose the friendship so be it. Talk to the dad especially.

What about the dads? Are they disengaged or is it just the mums?

'She says it's the lack of sleep, the constant tantrums, screaming and battles.'

This stood out for me, could it be it's because she isn't spending enough time with her child, that the child is crying out for attention?

I totally get it's hard but she needs to engage more with her DC for the behaviour to change, the child is just wanting to be loved by mum.

I think it would lead to a more harmonious household, make her happier & want to spend time with her child. Overtime, whoever she's with/meets will become part of their unit but I think she'll realise her child comes first.

OP ignore the sanctimonious people telling you to stop judging. The young child is always the priority and this has safeguarding red flags all over it. An overly intense relationship, a parent who's fed up of their young child already. This is exactly how many serious child abuse cases start. I don't know what the right answer is exactly but don't let anyone make you feel bad for trying to keep a child safe

No you’re not being harsh. I’m a single parent, have been since pregnancy. In the beginning I convinced myself I needed a night out a month but this quickly ended. Since then I love spending time with my son, I work full time so only get evenings and weekends but to try and get a babysitter that often a week does seem odd. Have you spoke to her about it? Would you feel comfortable saying no?

As her friend and frequent babysitter I'd say OP is in a perfect position to judge tbh.

OP was meticulous in not mentioning the child's gender (to the point of saying DC an irritating number of times).

This.
There's nothing wrong with putting your child in nursery for an extra day, I used to do the same.
Didn't mean I didn't want to be with them or whatever, just that I know it's important to look after yourself too - mums need a bit of time to themselves too.

My ex SIL started behaving in a very similar way when my nephew was 4 - kept going on about ‘now he was older she could get back to being ‘me’’ she acted like he was capable of taking care of himself and it was very worrying to observe as she had previously been a helicopter Mum. I suspect now she had undiagnosed Post Natal depression that just continued to get worse. She is now lost in Mental Health Issues and has been for years and I often wonder if we had reacted better to the signs, if she could have had a different outcome. Fortunately for my nephew his Dad took full custody when he was 8 but if you know your friend is acting out of character, please try and ask her if she’s OK and if possible encourage her to get help. Is the father aware that she is behaving differently? Perhaps he could monitor the situation more closely. And for what it’s worth, you sound concerned - not judgmental.

Don’t be ridiculous. @ready4gardneing is clearly concerned for the welfare of the child who is basically being ignored, sidelined by his mother. Poor kiddo is going to grow up feeling horribly unloved if this carries on. And I’m sure she’s also concerned for her friend too as this obviously isn’t normal happy behaviour for a parent. She isn’t being a good mother atm.

I would reach out to the dad. He can try and get more custody time, hopefully 50/50 at least.

If your friendship ends then so be it. You need to advocate for the child.

Maybe the toddler would be better off living with his dad if his dad is genuinely interested. She sounds like she needs to grow up. Most sensible people with a toddler having had a bad break up would be doing all they could to provide a stable relationship for their child not chasing a life they used to have.

Lots and lots of red flags, please please speak up for this little child. And so young! You’ll be helping your friend too really, though she’ll not thank you for it, potentially saving her from having allowed her child come to serious harm.