AIBU to ask DH to step back from MIL’s health anxiety?

If he goes to stay with her, that will set up a whole new set of expectations from her. She's not going to let him leave, or if he does she'll be calling and insisting that he comes back.

It's quite incredible that he's not even thinking about what you'll be having to deal with when he's gone, and the financial hit of his plans. I'd seriously be reconsidering the relationship.

When someone mentioned carers, you said she's not old. That's not the point (and if she's in her 70s, like me, she's starting to get on a bit). But carers can also be emotional supporters. And having someone come every day that she can moan to, might buy you space, and give her the attention that she craves.

Yep. Psychiatrist of 30y here and I agree with you.

When someone is like this, clear boundaries are needed. The poor husband rushing over will not be helping at all. It will perpetuate the issue. A different approach is needed.

One possible suggestion is a meeting with the GP, mil and you both. To clarify the current health issues and make a plan. To write down when she should or should not call an ambulance.

Does the GP have any support services, peer coaches or social prescribing? Someone to meet with mil once a week to offer distraction and another way to look at her life.

I would also call Age UK. They have some brilliant services.

If she is calling ambulances and going to A and E repeatedly, she will be flagged and there may well be a professionals meeting organised.

OP, you do need help. And your husband needs to be with you.

She only rings her relatives overseas because she knows they will be desperate to pass the buck to your DH and keep ringing you.
Is there any relatives of yours nearby you could stay with? You need to prioritise your needs so that you and DC are taken care of because your DH isn’t going to step up.

I think trying to get him to understand he's feeding her anxiety rather than helping is your best way forward.

All your other points are entirely valid but if he thinks he can do it all (you know the truth) then it's not going to work.

AI was helpful in explaining this. You could get him to do that:

Does constant reassurance and help improve health anxiety or feed into it?

Short answer: it usually feeds into health anxiety over time, even though it feels helpful in the moment.
Health anxiety (often linked to Illness Anxiety Disorder) runs on a cycle:
You notice a symptom or thought
Anxiety spikes
You seek reassurance (Google, checking your body, asking others, tests)
Anxiety drops briefly
Your brain learns: “I needed reassurance to feel safe”
The next worry comes back stronger or more often
So reassurance works like a short-term relief, long-term fuel.
Why it can make things worse
It prevents you from building tolerance to uncertainty (“maybe I’m okay without checking”)
It reinforces the belief that something is wrong
It often leads to needing more frequent or stronger reassurance over time
But it’s not black-and-white
Some reassurance is appropriate and necessary, especially:
When symptoms are new, severe, or clearly concerning
When advised by a doctor
The issue is repetitive reassurance for the same fear after it’s already been checked.
What actually helps more long-term
Gradually reducing reassurance-seeking behaviors
Learning to sit with uncertainty (“I might be okay, and I can handle not knowing for now”)
Approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, especially exposure-based work
A helpful way to think about it
Reassurance is like scratching an itch:
Feels good immediately
But makes the itch come back worse

Perhaps you should call MIL and the overseas relatives in the middle of their nights saying you need help!
Seriously you need a calm discussion with your husband about balancing needs both financial and practical. Suggest that this current situation cannot continue so how are we going to approach it.

I’m a psychotherapist and regularly treat health anxiety. Family members are often unwitting participants in the maintenance of the problem. He’s ‘helping her’ by giving her comfort and reassurance. She will keep needing reassurance and increasingly so. He actually needs to stop rescuing her to help her in the long run.

@OriginalSkang I also suggested getting medical services involved, not just walking away without a care and not have any contact.

But all the running to her now isn’t helping her is it, he spent hours with her the other day and she still called an ambulance after he left. All the energy he is putting in (at the expense of OP who isn’t well herself) is not helping.

He is BVU. Completely completely unacceptable.

The OP needs to put her own family and babies first no matter how sympathetic she may be to her MIL.

I 100% agree they won’t get rid of her. At some point the husband will need to go back to work. Then OP will be ill AND have a newborn AND a toddler AND a demanding MIL to contend with

I'm not going to keep reading this now, so you can all go back to saying what a bitch this mentally ill woman is

Sounds horrendous. Do you have the sort of relationship with her where you can tell her how badly she is affecting her son's family by her behaviour? Or would she take that as a personal slight, as selfish neurotic people can do. This obviously should be a task for your DH but it sounds like he won't be effective which is pathetic.

I'd suggest that the boy who cries wolf might apply and if she ever needs an urgent ambulance for genuine reasons one may not turn up.

Its so, so similar though that its hard not to.

Sorry, I forget how mumsnet feels about mental health issues until I read something like this. Its just pure ignorance of what it means to be mentally ill. People don't think clearly.

No one is calling ambulances daily for fun

Zero compassion on here when it comes to mental health. Its ridiculous.

She sounds mentally ill AND manipulative.

Meanwhile, somebody who really needs an ambulance has to wait longer because she's wasting their time.............perhaps point this out to your husband too?
This is a very difficult situation for you.

You are his family, and with babies and your injuries, you need to come first. I understand he's torn between the two and I feel sorry for you all.

Sounds like his mum though would be beyond his actual help, she needs professional, full time help to get her through this escalation in her mental health. I don't think going around babysitting will help her in the long run, may even make her worse and to be honest, I think she needs to go to hospital and let them take over for a while to try and get her back on track.

You need to stop projecting. Not everyone’s experience is the same. There is nothing here to suggest that the mil is ‘semi-catatonic’.

But him pulling back without getting her the help she needs could clearly tip her over the edge and would be immoral.

I think I would be suggesting that his mother goes on a long term visit to the relatives overseas.........

You really, really don't need to tell me what people who have been in a severe mental health crisis feel. I'm sure she feels sorry but she probably can't help it. She may also be in a semi catatonic state.

I would be suggesting a paid companion carer to go in to her to take some of the load, you need your husband

People with anxiety or other mental illnesses don’t all lose the ability to feel empathy or feel sorry for any trouble they cause. Often quite the opposite.

@OriginalSkang if mentally ill she needs medical help. OP’s DH isn’t going to be able to sort this out, he is not qualified.

@Stripedpyjamass can DH speak to someone who is qualified to give advice, and then pass over to medical team. Him running to her, speaking on the phone with her etc is obviously not alleviating her symptoms/anxiety

If she moves in with OP, they'll never get rid of her. She'll guilt trip the fuck out of OPs husband when they try to send her home. He already can't say no to her.