What is child maintenance for?

No she's not 'fortunate'..she works bloody hard and made decent choices to be in that position. I know that its not always someone's fault if they can't do that but let's not pretend its just random luck.

She's getting 200 a month cms and most of her uc is on childcare. I think she'll manage once her three children are earning their own money and either moved out or paying rent.

I spent 8 years of my life robbing Peter to pay Paul. Got in debt, got out of debt, had 2 jobs. Went back to uni, got a degree, went out there and made life happen. I had 3 kids under the age of 8 living hand to mouth and I didn’t want to be like that. I made it happen for myself.

But you’re are fortunate to be able to do that. Some woman struggle to make ends meet on their own.

direct pay is where the parent with care is paid directly from the absent parent. this can still be monitered and done through the csa so that if there are any problems you can switch at any time to collect and pay. the cms handle collect and pay. they charge maintence plus 20% to absent parent and take 4% from receiving parent. its worth staying within the system even if doing direct pay as it leaves little room for ex's to financially abuse you

Yeah, it's totally fine.

Of course you are.

Whayever you like. Goes in your pot.
But plan ahead how will you support yourself when dc are adults?

Do you have a court order? If not I'd just stop making the kids available and let him have them EOW, he can take you to court if he wants but he would never get every weekend in court, only EOW

Yep that’s exactly what my ex thinks. He stole £20K from our martial funds cost me £60K in court and barristers and he didn’t pay maintenance for 6 months. He then paid extra into his pension to reduce his salary and reduce his CMS. He had the nerve to ask my 12 year old to ask mummy for a breakdown of my maintenance when he asked to go to Lego land as that’s what maintenance is for (apparently) and not my mortgage. I printed off an excel sheet showing it didn’t even cover breakdown and afterschool clubs didn’t even touch the sides £200 a month for nursery costs etc

I pay every single bill, meal, school trip, clothing any expense you can name out of my own salary I use his to save for a rainy day. I recently renovated the children’s rooms so it went on that. He pays the bare minimal required by the CSM according to his salary and he’s in the salary bracket of six figures. I could go to court for more but don’t want the hassle. Am also in the position financially where when his money stops as youngest leaves school or hits 18 it won’t inconvenience me. It’s not an endless life long pot and some receiving parents should remember that.

There is no need to justify/provide receipts to your ex. He wants to argue with you and wants you to provide ammunition so that he can pretend that you’re fleecing him.

He has a legal obligation to financially provide for his child. That is all.

Put it this way - a child takes time and money to raise. If one parent is giving 100% of the time, I think it's fair that the other gives 100% of the money - and that this is on a continuum from 50/50 care and costs (in most cases)

It's not 'his' money you're spending. It all goes into the pot and is spent as needed. If he wants to offer up more of his time instead, then he could do that.

He shouldn't get to have all the fun time while you get the daily routine. Tell him you want every other weekend with your DC and he can have a week night.

I think the payment goes out of his to theirs. Then you

so you would get your money

tho he pays a little more and you get a few pounds less bit it’s guaranteed

the child maintenance system is meant to be changing in 2027/28 that if you have a existing case open with them, they are switching everyone over from direct pay to collect and pay if you stay within the system. they will take 4% off both parents. so the paying parent they add 4% onto maintenance and receiving parent has 4% deducted not sure 100% when its starting

My ex did this too. The money was apparently paying for my lifestyle. I didn’t go out socially, didn’t drink, got my nails done 3 times in my life, no hobbies at the time because he left me to look after the two young children while he swanned off shagging OW. He had two more children with her and doesn’t see them much now they’ve split up. The maintenance is a staggering £36 a week when he earns over £40,000. DD’s share of rent, bills, food comes to £200 a week. These men are a joke but so is the child maintenance service who calculates such low figures.
Ignore him OP and do what you think is best for your dc.

I think thats an important point..many NRPs think that they should only have to.be paying any 'gap' between the RPs entire wage and the household bills, so if they pay maintenance and as a result the RP has money left over for something of their own, like a haircut, that's 'spending their money' . No, its spending their own money that is available because the children are being supported by both parents.

Exactly this.

Men coming out with this sort of nonsense really pisses me off!

When I was living with my husband, we had a 3 bedroomed house. We paid bills on a 3 bedroomed house and we raised 2 children.

When we split up, the bills didn't really change. Rooms still needed to be heated and lit and food still needed to be stored in the fridge/freezer and cooked in the oven. The children still needed clothes and to have their bedrooms decorated and furnished. They still did activities. It still cost the same to do those things. The only bills that changed were food shopping and CT. Nothing else changed.

He paid a decent amount of maintenance for the children (one of whom was his step child), was never late in paying and never questioned how it was spent. He moved back in with his parents for a couple of years so, if I wanted to go on holiday with my friends, he'd stay at mine so that the children could continue to live in their own home. He provided for them during that time and never quibbled about maintenance because I was still paying for the utility bills whilst I wasn't there and they all were.

He also contributed 50% to additional costs for trips and school uniforms.

We didn't go through the CMS. He used the CMS calculator and I didn't question it because, when he got a payrise, he told me and increased it and, tbh, I got enough. I wasn't interested in seeing whether I should have got £20 a month more.

Maintenance isn't 'fun money'; it's his financial contribution to raising the children, supporting the household they are raised in and to maintaining their lifestyle. If he wanted to buy them anything extra, he did. Just like I did.

My exh saw his responsibility to continuing to raise his children to also include me having a life outside of them because he believed that if I was happy and fulfilled, I would be a mentally healthy and a better mum than if I were constantly stressed, worried about money and socially isolated because of it.

One of the holidays I took was a week in Italy with a man I was seeing. He moved in to mine for the week and never once questioned whose money was paying for it. It wasn't his directly but I couldn't have afforded to go if he hadn't contributed to the household financially because more of my salary would have gone on the everyday stuff.

He could be a dick in many ways (and has turned into a monumental one since he remarried!), but only to the children. I have nothing to do with him anymore. But he was never a dick about that.

I have no time for men who begrudge supporting the family they created and I wouldn't be in a relationship with one either.

Why not? Should a father never buy his child toys? The whole system is a joke.

@fireworksandflowers I guess this all just an extension of control and abuse you experienced during your relationship with him?

My ex used to be like this. I pointed out that if I lived alone like him I wouldn’t need a 2 bed so could live considerably cheaper. I wouldn’t need to pay 100’s in childcare, could work full time and have full pension contributions, wouldn’t need to pay for things like swimming lessons, uniform, clothes, toys, extra food, heating etc.

It just goes into the same pot as bills so may be used for that, may be saved, may be fun money, may by uniform etc. it’s non of his business.

You can spend it on what you like, as it’s just money to help raise them and that includes a roof over their head. Why would be know what you’re spending it on anyway?