AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

In my opinion there is absolutely never an excuse for this. He had unprotected sex and knew the potential consequences. None of this is “on the mum”. If you’d normally agree I’m really shocked actually that you’d so quickly accept his excuses and think this is ok because you fancy him. Where is your integrity?
How would you explain this situation to your own children as they’re bound to ask eventually. Be careful what message you’re sending.

“it wouldn’t be easy for him to step up”
as she lives on the Sussex coast. So a 60 minute train journey once a fortnight?

How easy has it been for the (single) mother to step up to raising his child 365 days a year?

What is he doing with his life that justifies that he is not ready to have regular contact? Does he not have enough time drinking with his mates, playing computer games?What does ‘not ready’ even mean?

A decent human being would make the minor adjustments necessary to see her every couple of weeks. It is a huge red flag imo.

So what's made you change your mind?

I have a cousin who dated a guy with a similar story. No prizes for guessing how often he sees the child she subsequently got pregnant with.

OP, he hasn’t answered your question about WHY he doesn’t see his daughter.

“…he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood.”

“…always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is.”

It’s absolutely ok for a young man to not be ready for the responsibility of fatherhood before he has children. But your fella is a father. He has that responsibility whether he feels ready for it or not! His “feelings” in the matter are irrelevant.

So, your question to him shouldn’t be “Why don’t you see your daughter?” It should be “Why are you not stepping up to the reality of your responsibility to your child?”

He was also 23 - a grown man who chose to run the risk of pregnancy.

If he had been 14yo then he’d have the excuse of being young and dumb but he was literally a grown adult.

You know if you get serious and he moves in, your kids are gonna hateeeee him

OP you are being naive here.

He doesn’t want anything to do with the child but is on the BC, pays maintenance and regularly messages the mum - how does that make sense.

Sounds like he wants to be in a relationship with her but she doesn’t want it and that’s why he’s not seeing the kid.

I wouldn’t get with any man who doesn’t want to see their children.
Every child deserves to know who their mum and dad are.
But he is worse and I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

It’s not about his ex and her choices, though. You can disagree with her decision, but that’s irrelevant. She could be the Wicked Witch of the West and it would be irrelevant. What matters is that there is a child out there that is 50% him and he has nothing to do with her. How fundamentally broken as a human does a person have to be to not want a relationship with their own child?

You have children, can you imagine a world in which you wanted nothing to do with them and never saw them? Can you imagine how a child will feel, growing up knowing they have a parent who has no interest in them? Not a random hypothetical child, look at your child and imagine how they would feel in that circumstance. How does this not horrify you?

No way are you not only defending this man but also blaming/judging the mother for going ahead with the pregnancy

Men have the choice not to ejaculate inside a woman's body. If they choose to do that, that IS consenting to a potential baby.

But he knew that there was a chance she could get pregnant by having sex with her in the first place. It's kind of the risk you run.

I said yanbu by accident I meant YABU . Get rid for sure . It’s the absolute height of selfishness that he would do this to his own child .

This " nice guy " has already let down his own offspring op and doesn't seem to even like women and respect them as equal human beings, you think he is your next prince? Go ahead be stupid and come tell us how he lets you down in the very near future.

Run for the hills.

How utterly selfish of him. Ask him how he'd like it if his dad said that to him?

It's very unattractive .

'His mum wanted to meet her grandchild'. Wow, how could she do that and then agree to walk away? She is as bad as her son!
How will he explain himself to his daughter when she chooses to find him.
Imagine letting the child grow up knowing her dad doesn't want her.
Dump him.

My ex was like this man. We were together for eight years and he left when I was pregnant. He didn’t pay maintenance and DD will be 29 this year - he saw her a handful of times but not once in the last 25 years.

DD has never known him so I suppose she hasn’t missed what she never knew. I stayed in contact with her paternal grandmother and aunt, and DD’s father pretty much discarded the rest of his family later in life too. It’s unlikely to be a one off - looking back, ex was detached and lacking in emotion (obviously he had good points too).

Also, just to add to this, I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant with my DD, DH was 23 and really we barely knew each other.

I asked him what he thought we should do and he said he thought it might be better to have an abortion , but he supported me with whatever decision I made. Obviously I chose to have my DD, flashforward 13 years and we are very happily married, have another DD, have built an amazing life together and he is the best dad you could possibly imagine.

Neither of us were really ready, but we bloody did it anyway and our children have an amazing dad. Unfortunately we also have many members of our family who were unlucky enough to have children with absolute dickheads like your fella, and their children are growing up with dads who literally don't give a damn about them, probably wouldn't even recognise them on the street.

I met a guy when I was young. Think we were both 22. I was just out of an abusive relationship and he treated me like a princess so thought he was the One. He'd just come out of the forces and had 2 kids he didn't see. I was told it was because the ex wouldn't let him. Who knows.

We all lived in the same town. I later heard the ex wouldn't let him see the kids because of me. As far as I knew they were over when we met and I didn't want to be involved in his kids lives.

I never wanted children so didn't think about him not wanting to see the ones he had. I'm not sure now looking back if he even paid maintenance. We married quickly and divorced just as quick. As far as I know he never had a relationship with his kids afterwards.

I didn't/don't see a problem with dating a guy that didn't see his kids but now know as a mum I don't think I could, and I certainly wouldn't involve someone in my kids lives who chooses not to be in their own kids lives.

OP my partner became a dad at 21. Unexpected, unplanned. He woulf hsve preferred not to continue but she did. They stayed together and raised the child til he was a teen when they split. He actually became the primary parent. That's a decent man. Your bloke didnt have to stay in the relationship but having no involvement is reprehensible. That child deserved an involved father.

My ex says shit like this. The reality is he was told to stay away, he was abusive and is now no longer able to see the kids unsupervised. He chooses not to see them at all.

I'd be looking into a clares law application. Can't hurt to check

If he didn’t want to be a dad he should have used a condom , frankly @Enrie you are just making excuses for him by saying he was upfront that he wouldn’t be involved . Does his mother still see the child or is she as flaky as the son she raised ?

If the dad of your kids suddenly decided to abandon them because he decides he doesn't want to be a dad anymore what would your opinion of him be

He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.

How can you not see that ^ as a massive red flag? He's basically saying he doesn't believe women should have bodily autonomy, a man should be able to make medical decisions on behalf of women, that's what he's saying. He had a choice to wrap it or abstain but he chose to take the risk of a child being conceived instead and then walked away from his responsibilities and in doing will no doubt at some point cause this young girl to have emotional issues over the abandonment. Yeah sounds like a great guy.

Also every man I've known that doesn't see their children have been very bad news.