AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

I really couldn’t respect a man like this, and a man who can walk away from his own child will have no issue walking away from you when it suits him.

If he was absolutely sure he didn’t want children then he should have been taking responsibility for that himself and wearing a condom, not expecting his partner to take 100% responsibility for contraception AND expecting her to have an abortion.

The distance being an issue also makes me laugh.

I know a man who does Birmingham-Glasgow every third weekend to be with his Dd. He does FaceTime multiple times a week. Uses all of his annual leave to spend time with her in the school holidays.

It’s not easy, but distance doesn’t prevent a relationship. That’s a choice.

HRTFT but put yourself in that child's shoes. Where's daddy?

He doesn’t understand why a woman has more of a say in an abortion than a man — that alone makes him a poor prospect. He just sounds like a bit of a loser overall, are you able to have much respect for him?

@Enrie your ex is a decent dad and co parent?

Now imagine if he wasn't a good dad? Imagine you had found out you were pregnant, you were scared and unsure but instead of supporting you he fucked off and left you, never to be seen again.

This is your new BF, congratulations. He's a catch.

Christ, he's a peach isn't he.

I didn't want to be a Dad. DD happened anyway and so for 18 years I've been the best dad I can possibly be.

Your boyfriend took absolutely no responsibility for contraception, and when faced with the consequences of his actions, took the easy way out.

He knew the possible consequences of having sex, and he was unwilling to meet them. He's not a good guy, frankly I think he's scum

How is it any different than women who give their child up for adoption?

They don't see their child.
They don't raise them or financially contribute to a child they made.

Plenty of women have sex and decide they're not ready to be a parent, or just don't want to.
It's the exact same thing.
Men just aren't given the option to legally abandon their unwanted child like women are.

that makes me feel really sad for his DD, his ex and his Mum.

He thought at times, he would like to meet her but...
Then he thought better not. Hmm.

He doesn't want children in his life and you have two.
If you continue the relationship and move in together or marry he will be a Step Dad, technically. Would he resent making room for them in his life? I think you'd have to be very careful in considering whether to have your children living with someone who doesn't want children in their life.

Others have covered your direct question quite well enough so I'll say this: pregnancy is inherently unfair. Of course it is. A man's choices begin and end with deciding where to put his penis whereas once the woman is pregnant she alone can make choices that influence whether or not the pregnancy will result in a live birth. So yes, it is unfair. But any man who does anything but accept this fact and resolve to make good choices about where he puts his penis is truly one to be avoided.

My DP has a daughter in her early 20s. She was a result of a one night stand when he was working away. He stepped up and tried to make the relationship work with her mum. He moved permanently to her country.

They did split up when the kid young but stayed in that country till she was a teenager. He moved back to the uk. But made a massive effort to see his kid in holidays and weekends each month. Even travelling Fridays and back Sunday night.

even though she now has her own life he sees her lots. He admits he didn’t want her and definitely wasn’t planned. But had to step up and be a presented.

For many women an abortion is not an easy option. It causes mental health issues that can last for years. I’m tired of men thinking it’s fine to expect women to have an abortion just because it suits them.

I realise this is not the case for all women. But presumably this woman knew his stance and still decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. So there is a very high chance that she did feel an abortion would take a huge toll on her. Why should she put herself through that just for him? He had options and chose not to take them. I have no sympathy for any man who becomes a father but chose not to use condoms and then complainants wasn’t ready. He made a choice.

And now he is letting his daughter deal with the consequences of that choice and coming up with the lamest excuses in the world. He is not a nice person. He’s also waited until he feels you are invested before even telling you about the existence of his daughter. What a prince.

I would absolutely end this. Otherwise when your kids are not cute and adorable but hormonal teenagers with their own opinions he will be straight out the door. Think of the impact on them.

Men are more likely to have contact with sons than daughters. I’d wonder if that played a part regardless of what he said.

If you are having sex, is he using condoms? If not he and he hasn't had a vasectomy he's learnt nothing has he.

It's up to you if you keep seeing him but personally I wouldn't be able to get past it, and as time went on it would gnaw away at me. I'd lose respect and there couldn't be a long term future. Somehow paying money but showing no interest seems all the more insulting, like he's buying his way out. I know that's not entirely logical as he very much should pay.

He's older now and distance is a very poor excuse.

Does his mum see her grandchild? Sad if not.

And that is what men like him rely on.

You had your opinion on men like him for a reason. Now you’ve let him talk you round into how he’s different from all the rest, even though the story is as old as time - accidentally pregnant (which is a surprise despite using condoms), told her to get rid so it’s her fault she didn’t, went on the birth certificate entirely at her doing, etc etc.

He’s no different to any of the rest of the deadbeat dads.

Me pre kids I would have thought this was ok. Me as a mum, I can’t understand his viewpoint. I couldn’t imagine being friends with him let alone dating him.

He's a shitty person and deadbeat dad. He's shown you who he is. Why do you want a relationship with him.

OP normally I would have said its a massive red flag, a man who doesn't see his children
But, IF his story is true I would not necessarily rule him out
he believed there was no risk of pregnancy (true, a condom would have been a wise choice, but they can also fail)
he was up front with the woman about what he was prepared to offer, so she made an informed choice
he has supported the baby financially
he was only 23

I would ask for the contact details of the mother of this child and find out if all these details are accurate. If they are I would proceed with caution.
If they are not, dump him immediately

Is this some kind weird reverse where you're the deadbeat dad trying to come up with an excuse for abandonment that you think will pass muster with a woman with two kids?

Because you say you have 2 kids and how do you think they would feel if their dad just fucked off and never saw them again?

This guy doesn't think women should have body autonomy. That's a big red flag and you don't seem to grasp that concept either.

Parental abandonment harms children who did nothing wrong. That's the bottom line.

And you're here twisting yourself into knots trying to defend the indefensible.

I mean I (kind of) understand not being ready to step up to fatherhood… but not seeing the child at all? Surly some contact just so the child knows who her dad is would be better than this? Doesn’t mean he has to be dad of the year but he should really take some responsibility or at least have a bit of consideration for his daughter?

Throw him back…

He had to physically be there to put himself on the birth certificate though - she couldn't do it for him

I can't really vote whether you are being U or not, because it's a decision only you can make.

Actually, no. I can. YABU. He's a twat, a total deadbeat. And women like you make it possible for men like him to behave that way. Perhaps if women stopped dating these cretins they'd realise that it isn't ok. That's not to say I blame women for men's behaviour, but at need to stop condoning it.

She fancies this one and wants to pretend it's ok so she can keep seeing him...

Men don’t have to bear the burden of many things in life so the least they can do is wear a condom. He failed to do this, she got pregnant, he should deal with the consequences but instead he ran like a pathetic man child. He’s grim, I don’t know why you’d want to see him again.

This.

Dump and run.

You will be the woman in 2 years times wondering why he doesn't step up and he will say 'Well, I told you I didn't want a baby'.

He's scum. Nothing more. As a mother yourself you must realise this.

You’re a mum and your ex behaves reasonably. You seem happy for this ‘man’ to behave terribly to his child. How can you think this is okay? You don’t know if what he’s telling you is the truth, but you should surely know it’s not the right thing to do by his child? He was equally responsible for the conception and it’s not his decision about whether to continue with the pregnancy. What will happen when this poor child is an adult and comes asking for answers?
Agree with pp do a Clare’s Law and get out of this relationship.
Finalky. If his judgement is so suspect in this he’ll not step up and support you when you need it. So what’s the point of continuing?