AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

Urgh, sulky people are very boring. Carrying on a sulk for years, ignoring your own child, because a woman disobeyed you, is for me indication of a man with skewed moral compass. But, it's up to you OP. Everyone has different priorities and defects they are prepared to overlook in a partner.

This would put me right off him, he’s a selfish prick and it says an awful lot about his character. Why haven’t you dumped him already? He must have a gold plated dick.

This is highly uncomfortable to me, I absolutely cannot agree with anyone who thinks a man should be able to relinquish his responsibilities towards a child simply because he wanted the mother to have an abortion.

if he’s old enough to have sex, he’s old enough to to take responsibility for any child conceived. Sex isn’t mandatory

men (and women) who insist that men should be absolved “because maybe she said she was on the pill!” are so incredibly immature and ignorant

My brother did this, years ago. He paid maintenance for 18 years.

Never met his first child.

I judge him for this.

It's just so avoidant and cowardly, and assumes the mother will step up.

"he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood."
I know you say you don't want a dad for your children, but this statement to me suggests you're at different life stages and want different things out of a partner and relationship.

"but has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is."
Yes it's better he's not in and out of the child's life, but this seems an immature response to me - he should have stepped up.

"she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up."
That's a really weak excuse, it's not that far! Close enough to see the child weekly if he wanted.

Each person has control over their own bodies. That means men get to control their dna only until they deposit it into a woman. Then she gets control. If a baby is born, the baby then has autonomy. Such is life.

his baby was born and he felt able to walk away. Paying maintenance isn’t enough. If he isn’t there changing nappies and wiping noses, that tells me what I need to know about him as a person.

It doesn’t matter if he was ready to be a father. The child still needed a father and he failed.

And don't forget how unfair it is. I mean if he wanted the baby and she didn't, for some unknown reason she'd have more say in the matter! I mean why shouldn't a woman continue a pregnancy she doesn't want because the dad might feel like stepping up!
🙄I mean this poor man has had such a terrible time of it....

Dump him.

If he doesn't like kids and doesn't want to see his own daughter, then there is no future for you and your own kids, is there?

Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned and when there’s a child involved it’s up to the adults to be adults.

Your BF failed this basic test, and keeps failing it everytime he chooses not to do better.

I can’t fathom why anyone would find this appealing, unless their self esteem is on the floor.

He’s happy to cause psychological hurt to another human being.

He was also happy to hide this from you .

yuk

But the child was born and is here.
I was a single parent and it would immediately change my view on someone who chose not to be involved in their child's life.

Doesn’t matter, it’s his child whether he wanted her or not. I wouldn’t have anything to do with him.

The child will be curious to meet him at some point. Is he really not going to make the first move and be involved before she knock on his door. Has he thought about the future at all?

No

No

No

He chooses not to take responsibility for his child, another human??

Not for me

Nailed it.

He isn't a good person. If he is selfish towards his own child, he will be selfish with you. You may not have seen this yet as he is trying to impress you currently.

You should end this as he is an unpleasant person.

I know two fellas who had kids young (younger than 23).

One, it was young love & they tried to make it work but it didn’t once the baby arrived. His mother was a good granny, but he went on to have more kids he wasn’t involved with.

The other, it was a one night stand. He stayed friends with the mother & had been there for his child since day one. He got married, so did she. She had more kids, he didn’t.

Anyway, it’s his choice to be a dad or not.
It’s good that your kids have their dad, OP.

If he didn't want want to be a dad that much he should have taken care to use his own contraception.
Personally i can't imagine how any parent could not feel anything but love and devotion to their child, even if the circumstances they became a parent weren't ideal, and I think not doing so is a big red negative character flag.
Even if you don't want/need him to be a 'father figure' to your kids, if you were to settle down with this man, live with him etc, he would still end up being a key presence in their life and it really doesn't sound like he would be suitable for that role.

No because his choice was made when he had sex without a condom. Simples. If he didnt want the responsibility of a child he should not have risked pregnancy. Men know they get no options over abortion their choice is earlier and he made the choice to have unprotected sex.

I can agree that it feels unfair that his ex could continue the pregnancy without his consent. It’s an unfortunate inequality of nature. However. When he found out that she was going to continue, he knew that his child was going to be born. His choices were the step up and be a parent, or walk away and leave a child who would grow up feeling rejected and unloved.

Does it suck for him that those were his choices? Yeah. But they were the reality and he made his choice. And he continues to make that choice every single day he doesn’t start a relationship with his daughter. That says everything about his character.

I think that besides the fact he doesn’t see his own child, he doesn’t want to be a dad. Im not sure how you could have a fulfilling long term relationship with someone who feels that way, as he won’t be interested in your young children at all. I know you don’t want him to be a dad to them, but you’d expect a partner to be a part of their lives in some way, and I don’t think he could be.

I agree @AllosaurusMum

What an absolute "Fuck You" this thread is to anyone who has been adopted. How do you all think children become available for adoption? Mostly because their mothers don't want them. Whether it's because they aren't ready or refuse to stop taking drugs or living with abusive men. They still don't want the child and don't pay maintenance either.

@Enrie Personally I wouldn't date any man who has children, whether he sees them or not but if otherwise he is a decent man, only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. As a future partner, living together, would the maintenance payments mean you had to pay more (above the extra for your children) into your joint household for example?

Not for me, I don’t care what age he was, he created a child who he now has nothing to do with.

id rather be with a man who looks after his responsibilities than a boy.

But she’s not you and she has every right not to go through a procedure with risks involved. She should not have had to have an abortion because a man told her he wouldn’t step up if she continued a pregnancy that could only be stopped through medical intervention.

All men know they cannot make a woman have an abortion yet he still had sex without a condom.

and in those 4 years every single day he still hasn’t stepped up. He hasn’t even tried, I couldn’t be with a man like that.

How anyone can want to be with a loser father who doesn’t see their kids is beyond me. The biggest turn off I can imagine. Poor little girl with that as a dad. OP if you stay, shame on you. Nothing like solidarity, is there.

also - you’ve basically said his daughters mum should have had an abortion. Lovely.

It screams ‘selfish prick’ to me. Likely you’ll never be able to live together. Is that what you are looking for?