AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

I think women who defend men like this with the argument of "he told her he didn't want the baby as soon as they found out about the pregnancy" "if the roles were reversed she could get an abortion and he wouldn't get a say" really need to think about what the alternative is...forced abortions? Can you even imagine? Being forced into a medical procedure to end a pregnancy on the say so of some bloke?

This argument is not the get out of jail free card these people seem to think it is. The kid is in the world now, the abortion argument has been and gone, he can't ride it forever.

In your shoes I'd also find it icky your kids are the same ages, if he was around long term he'd be there for the same milestones (say, starting secondary school) for your kid whilst being completely absent in those moments for his own.

Does his mum have a relationship with his daughter?

I know men walk away... I get it happens in the abstract but for some reason i find this jaw dropping

Either:
His mum has a relationship with the child while hes there with his hands in his pockets whistling and looking in the opposite direction
OR
She met her own biological GC and said "yep. Seen her. Thats enough for me!" And then carried on with her life as if that child didnt exist....

Both these options just seem unhinged to me....

It doesnt matter that he said he wasnt interested. There is a child here. Now. Requiring a father. He's not 15 hes a grown ass man. You step up and act like a man and like a decent person even.
Kind of shocked as a mother yourself you want to justify this shithead behaviour... also amazed he didnt wheel out the Jess Glynn "ma mental helf" defence to explain why hes a complete deadbeat.

Tbh OP your replies just sound like a parrot of those men that want to absolve themselves of any responsibility and still come out of it as a nice guy.

Women have the abortion rights. He knew that when he fucked her. And its absolutely disgraceful that he he wants to navel gaze about not being ready when there is a real little person out there who is missing out in her one chance to have a daddy.

He may not like how she came into this world but what's done is done and yeah, I'd be dumping him.

I'd normally say imagine how your kids would feel without their dad. But tbh I think you're making a strawman argument to promote menz rightz.

Absolutely not. Plus you don’t want more kids but is he sure he never wants anymore? Some others to leave to a woman to raise but he can be on the birth certificate for? Or has he realised because he can’t be a good Dad to this one not to have anymore?

No way could I be with someone so selfish. Whats his plan if something happened to the child's mum and shs was incapable of looking after her?

OP you can try and convince yourself til the cows come home but you know really that it’s shit behaviour.

He wanted his ex to abort but she wouldn’t so he dumped her and has never had anything to do with his child. There’s no way of dressing it up. He’s a cunt.

It’s all about him isn’t it? He’s full of shit and full of lane excuses. I would be out of there

Ah, bless.
I think you two are great together, so carry on 👌🏾.

Well, you know, let's say I was willing to forgive him for not wanting to see his child given that he was honest about that with the mother from the start.
However, there are further two red flags here:

1. It "didn't occur to him" to wear a condom.
2. He is spouting manosphere-adjacent nonsense about how unfair it is that if the roles were reversed blah blah blah

So basically he helps make a baby. Then says, no thanks and runs away but thinks it's OK because he sends money out of obligation? But he's not at fault because he said he'd do that if the mother didn't do what he wanted?

He's a bit pathetic really isnt he?

He's let a child down that he helped to create because he wouldn't step up. What makes you think he'll step up for you?

The father of my child has never met DS. We were together 8 years when I got pregnant.

He asked me to abort and I got as far as the clinic bed when I thought “fuck him”. He was saying it for his own selfish reasons not mine or the baby. I’m more annoyed he asked me to do that then actually leaving tbh.
Anyway I was eternally grateful he never saw us again ( although he did start maintenance payments when DS was 7 when the CSA found him). I think in some ways he was stronger to resist the middle class pressure to do the “right thing”. Made my life easier. I think he’s actually a decent man and I am sure on some level he must feel guilty his son is out there. But who knows really. I sometimes wonder what he told any new girlfriends or wife and what she thinks.
I don’t think anything is as black and white as we want it to be though.

It's a pretty shit thing to do and would define him morally, to me.

I'd definitely be dumping him.

Not a chance from me. Especially with him basically saying that bodily autonomy is a 'little unfair' despite it apparently not even occurring to him to use a condom.

Also, what will happen if he becomes ready to have a child if you don't want more?

he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is. He also explained she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up.

London to east sussex less than two hours
Come on op it is pathetic
He could have moved to e sussex to be near and commuted to london

What planet are you on? Far far more men give up on their children than women giving children up for adoption. Far more men fail to see them, fail to pay maintenance, fail to acknowledge the expense of time, effort and money that goes into raising a child. And how exactly is it just the woman giving the child up for adoption in your argument? The child has two parents. The father could raise it.

The world is full of single mothers working full time and raising children alone. Very few men do the same and those who do are seen as saints.

If he brought this up with you organically, rather than because you found out, I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't have wanted to be a parent at 23 and would have opted out. I think it's a massively sad situation but I don't think he's inherently a bad person because of it.

My mum did. Only found out years later that the reason he didn’t see any of his children (and now grandchildren) is because he was convicted of sexually abusing one of them. He has abused other children since. She stayed with him though because apparently he is a ‘good man’ (also very wealthy). All her children and grandchildren are NC with her now. Don’t bring losers into your kids’ lives.

You lost me at the point where you said he explained that he thought it was unfair that if she had wanted an abortion but not him she would have been able to have one anyway,but in reverse he got no say. I mean,WTAF? Not much respect for women's bodily autonomy,has he?

He’s 27 now and still doesn’t quite feel he’s ready to step up- if you see this going anywhere surely this leaves your kids at a huge disadvantage? Even if you don’t want him to be a father, can he show any amount of the maturity required to help them
in daily life?

If he still isn’t ready to meet his child again then he certainly isn’t ready to date a mum with two children.if it ever started to get serious he would run for the hills because he can’t commit

If he really didn't want a child he needed to take responsibility for contraception or avoiding the possibility of pregnancy. Of course he doesn't get to dictate because it's not his body. This child will have to come to terms with a dad who couldn't be bothered to have any role whatsoever. It's so unattractive!

This is abhorrent to me. I understand he didn’t want to be a dad upon finding out his ex was pregnant, but his daughter is here now, and he is choosing to be absent from her life. Sorry OP his actions speak to his character and if it had been me he had said that to I wouldn’t want to date him anymore. In fact I wouldn’t even want to know him

He's not ready to be a dad? He already is one just an incredibly shit one.

It's very much up to you at the end of the day and no-one can tell you what you should do.

I can only speak for myself and I would definitely not want to be involved with a man who didn't see his child. I'm afraid I would lose all respect for him. Whether he 'feels able' to be a father or not, the reality is that he is a father - just an absent one. That little girl is going to have to grow up with and come to terms with his rejection. For me, this would be a dealbreaker.

It doesn't matter whether it feels fair that the mum made the choice to continue the pregnancy, what matters is the child who, whether he likes it or not, exists.

I would have no respect for someone who chose not to parent their child. So no, I would never date someone in that position.