AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

sorry in my mind he is spouting absolute rubbish and you are falling for it, any man who has fathered kids and doesn't see them and admits they wanted the mother to have a abortion has abandoned that child because they are still a child themselves. from what you have said he blames the mother and is playing victim. says he pays for the child i bet he left her and told her she was on her own and my guess is the mother had to go to the child support and claim. I have no doubt that he didn't offer to pay. east Sussex is not that far from London. its just lame excuses. i would dump him personally my daughter had someone do the same to her and he has told the new girlfriend the same sort of story your being told. if you chose to continue dating him please do a Claire's law and sarah's law through the police to maintain the safety of yourself and especially your children.

If he can treat his own child like this, I’d hate to see how he treats yours. Good luck for the future if you go long-term with this man, you’ll need it.

Or not. Kids often don’t need to meet the biological dad if theres no secret or drama about him. Especially if they don’t know any different or have a decent step father.

Growing a baby inside your body is entirely different to contributing a bit of sperm which would be chucked away otherwise.

A Disney dad was my worse nightmare. Why would you want a man that didn’t think his child was the most precious thing,in your child’s life?

Dickblindness! 😂😂😂

Well, yes. If one parent doesn't want you to be a parent, then problems will be caused. The mother knew the situation and chose to go ahead.

But, I’d just do what you want to. The past of him, in this situation, isn’t your problem.

@Enrie Unfortunately I have direct and ongoing experience with a man like this. It’s complicated as down the line he became a brilliant dad in lots of ways. He’s not a ‘bad’ man in that he has decent traits and of course nobody is just one thing. People are complicated and I am sure there’s lots you get from this relationship otherwise you wouldn’t be contemplating staying in it. I also think people can change and contexts change people too.

However, one thing I can say with certainty that a person who is capable of not being in their child’s life and can otherwise get on with their life and pursue a relationship, for example, has the ability to be extremely cold (understatement).

You may be lucky and never be at the receiving end of it. But make no mistake that he’s capable of objectively dark and deplorable behaviour and you are always at risk of being subjected to that if you stay with him. It it was me, I’d not want him in my life. But it’s not me. I’m just sharing my experience.

"he's a lovely man...treats me very well"

Versus

He is not man enough to step up and be a parent

Yet another male that has taken no responsibility for their actions

He is unkind

He has no redeeming qualities

Why would a man who doesn't want children and takes no responsibility for his own other than financial get together with a woman with children? Is it because the kids are someone else's responsibility so he doesn't have to deal?

Why would a woman with children want a relationship with a man that she knows from the getgo he's at his core so dead selfish he's abandoned a kid?

Then, what if something happens to the mom? Would he leave his kid to the not so tender mercies of the foster care system? It sounds like he would. He feels his abandonment is justified because he couldn't force his gf to have an abortion after having unprotected sex with her.

Aren't his selfishness and lack of responsibility and views about the body autonomy of women deal breakers for you? Do you seriously think a man with those values can make you happy? You really want him modeling that for your kids?

Men absolutely have a choice about pregnancy prevention, but the timing is different: they can choose to have sex with a condom…or not. If he’d wrapped it up, this wouldn’t have happened. He chose not to take any responsibility for his own fertility, and dumped the entire burden of birth control, the decision to get an abortion or not, and then raising the child on his ex GF.

Since he doesn’t want children and has a poor track record in this department, I’m curious if he’s taken responsibility and had a vasectomy. If he’s still putting the burden of pregnancy prevention on a woman, run.

I would also worry about EVER introducing him to your kids. I know your kids have a father but as they are young, if this relationship ever went further... it sounds like he'd have zero interest in them? You could never live with him realistically because he'll just resent your children's existence. What would you do for holidays like Christmas... just have him sit at home alone so you can be around your kids?

It's one thing to know that you probably don't ever want kids, it's another to actually have a child you have nothing to do with and then try to date someone who has kids?

He may seem kind and friendly, many many people do when you first meet them. What people are actually like is a lot harder to know- it takes knowing them for a long time, going through stressful things together, them seeing you at your worst and still sticking around....all these things take time. In your case, I would argue this action, of not having a relationship with him own little girl, despite knowing the effect this is likely to have on her, through absolutely no fault of her own- is a nice little short cut telling you exactly what he's really like. Your judgement will naturally be clouded by the fact that you want a relationship, and fancy him, and want to somehow make this ok when it's THIS person- it really isn't ok. He is not a good person.

There was nothing pick me or lacking in self esteem about it at the time. Women can and do have sexual preferences too. I also preferred sex without a condom, so we made a mutual choice not to use them. My agreement to no condoms was nothing to do with his pleasure, it was me saying "I prefer sex without condoms, if you also prefer sex without condoms then we don't have to use them". The idea that only a man would prefer sex without a condom just isn't true.

He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.

Well, there are only two ways to change the law to make this fair:

1. if a woman wants to abort with the pregnancy and the father doesn't, she's banned from an abortion

2. if a woman wants to continue with the pregnancy and the father doesn't, she can be court-ordered to have an abortion (not sure how you would enforce this - literally strap her down?)

Which does he think is the better option? What changes to the law does he want?

I’m probably on the other side of the fence, I had a baby at a young age , the “father” was open and said he didn’t want the child. I carried on and had the baby, he’s never seen nor paid financially anything towards the child. I’ve heard from people he tells them he doesn’t have children & on dating apps has put no on the child question.

He’s been decent and told you he’s got a child, if you aren’t planning on having more children I don’t think there’s anything wrong with continuing too see him. I agree it’s one sided if the roles were reversed he’d have no say either way really , he was honest and upfront and she chose to go ahead.

Absolutely 💯
I did say earlier that she was also responsible. The difference is she stepped up... she knew there consequences and is dealing with them.

The child's mother knew her birth control wasn't going to be as effective when she was sick too. She could have refused to have unprotected sex.

Well yeah but she knew the consequences would be at her feet in the event of pregnancy, whether that was termination or birthing the child, she didn't just shrug knowing someone else would deal with it.

The child's mother knew her birth control wasn't going to be as effective when she was sick too. She could have refused to have unprotected sex.

IDK about anyone else but when that happened to me, partner either wore a condom or took care of himself. I also got pregnant when a condom split during a change of birth control.

Your boyfriend thinks a child he created because he didn't bother to wear a condom is disposable.

And you'd be cool dating a man who was so hopeless that his presence in his child's life would be a net detriment to that child?
Raise your standards.

Agreed with this. As part of being pro-choice, one needs to respect women's choice.

The man's choice is whether to have sex, and whether to use barrier contraception.

No, a man who sticks around isn't immediately a decent man. Nor is a mother automatically decent for bringing a child into this world.

But lots of different things add up to being a decent person. As far as we are aware, the OPs new man didn't walk away because he was a drug addict... he walked away because he couldn't be bothered with a condom and couldn't be bothered being a Dad. Not even contemplating making any effort aside from throwing money at his ex. That's not decent.

OP, why would a "man" who has met his beautiful, innocent, precious newborn baby daughter and walked away from her, not walk away from you without a second glance?

I could never, ever, ever do it. Regardless of what he says the circumstances are. I just couldn't believe a word he says. Does his mum have contact with her granddaughter, or the rest of his family?

I'm sorry, no, an abortion is not a choice for some women. Abstinence is always a choice.

He had full control of where he deposited his sperm and that's where his choice and control of becoming a parent ends. A man cannot expect an abortion to be on the table as an absolution to his responsibility, that's bullshit.

He has ruminate at all, he has excused himself.

Not necessarily a deal breaker for me.
I'd want his version of events confirmed though. Most definitely.

Some men are such shit fathers that the kids are better off without.
For example, the (unwanted) child borne from a cannabis addicted cocklodging waste of space who refuses a job would be better off if he hadn't stepped up to the plate as he is likely to cause a lot of issues and invite chaos and drama.

So the idea of making every man stick around no matter how shit he is is bonkers.
He's stuck around so he's decent! Pull the other one.

The OP's boyfriend has a certain level of awareness to realise that he'd be no good for a child he didn't want so that's a plus.

Cool so you would have an abortion so he didn’t have to wear condoms? The pick me girls are out in force today. Where did everyone’s self esteem go?!