Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

What a twat.
Sign up for a gym membership tomorrow and book a slot with one of the PTs for an induction. Find a weight training plan that will work for you based on the number of sessions you'd like to fit in a week. 3 would be a good start. Tell him that you are going to the gym 3 days a week and tell him that he'll need to make sure that his gym sessions and yours are prioritised equally.

And stop giving him control of all your money!

He sounds like an utter knobhead. Who the fuck does he think he is telling you, a grown woman, that you can't go out? You know this isn't right OP. You only get one life don't waste it.

You are certainly not the arsehole here, had you asked the question...Am I the doormat, the answer would be yes.

He doesnt want to take care of his children.
He doesnt want his life affected in any way. He wants to come and go as he pleases.
You wanted the kids so they are your problem is basically what he told you.
Jesus.

I would begin to question his sexuality tbh because why is he preferring to be around strange men than his own female partner and kids.

Ltb tbh girl - he's controlling - financially and by stopping you from going out. Something really needs to change and it wont be him x

Nor is subscribing to 2 gyms! Just go. Start going out, even if you just sit in McDonald's or a mate's house drinking coffee. Is he out every night?!

He said to me I wanted kids so I have to deal with it. He's either an unbelievable idiot or he thinks you are and wants to take advantage of that.* *Unless there's some huge backstory that they are not his children, it's irrelevant whether he wanted them or not. He HAS them and he's responsible for them.

During the times when the children are not in someone else's care (e.g., school, organised activity, daycare, etc.) OR doing a planned activity with BOTH of you, you should each be responsible for them roughly half the time. The balance may be different - for example, if one of you must spend more time than the other in necessary outside activities (not social or hobbies or sport) like work, school, commuting, caring for extended family - but start with 50/50 and adjust. However you split it, you each should have about the same leisure time in an average week.

There's no need (and probably no ability) to stop him from going to the gym, but you have to stop watching his children for him during your leisure time. This is not unreasonable, and you are not an arsehole (although it sounds like he is, to have been letting/forcing you do his childcare for him all this time). Of course, getting him to live up to his responsibilities if he has no decency or common sense at all isn't going to be easy and may not even be possible, but stop letting him pretend YOU are at fault here and he's not.

He sounds like an absolute dickhead. Stop letting him tell you, you tell him what you're doing.

Did he want children, OP? Not that it matters because he has them and has to step up, I was just trying to get my head around his thinking.

I would do what someone else suggested: don't tell him you're going out/to the gym, and just leave when he's at home. What can he do? Have a mantrum? Sure, let him.

Whenever my Husband was being unreasonable in the early days (not in this way, but in the way people just are sometimes), I would just carry on with my day as normal, talk as normal, come and go as normal, it generally soon subsided and eventually when he realised he wasn't ever going to get the reaction he wanted it stopped. The same way you treat a toddler whose mood swings you ignore.

Obviously, this advice only works when all things are equal, not in the case of abusive relationships, etc.

Just get on and do these things, OP. Don't ask and take no for an answer. It's happening. Be brisk and organised with your DH - and out you go.

This is no life OP. He is an abusive shit.

You don't need your husband's permission to go to the gym. Just go!

If he keeps getting arsey over perfectly reasonable things, I'd be questioning the future of the marriage.

Best of luck with getting fit and shaping up. Treat this as a life overhaul when you start focusing on yourself; look at your diet, your skincare routines, your sleep and relaxation and you will soon start to look and feel better.

He's a selfish pig.

i think it’s just cos he knows where I am at home and he said to me I wanted kids so I have to deal with it.

Have you asked him if that means he didn't want to have kids? If not, then why did he (presumably) agree to have them?

Either way, he sounds like a total arsehole.

My gym has onsite crèche

i am sorry but this man is highly controlling and and absolute asshole

so he wants to be a father and husband in name only? Because in reality he is none of those things

he treats you like an unpaid nanny and cleaner, depriving you of clothes, leisure time and money whilst he has everything that he wants and needs

I am not sure what he brings to the party?

havd you considered a trial separation just so you can hand the kids over to him and have a break for a few days?!

Do you work? If not put the 2 year old in childcare a few hours a week and go teh gym.

If you work then you need to find another good time

Get a membership at a gym, same as he does.
If you need clothes etc but them.

Split the week evenings and claim 2 as your own. He can't be going out every night. Pick two.

Go the gym go for a walk join a club or see friends.

Claim your life back.

You are only last because you put yourself there.

What’s happened when you have been ill?

I wouldn’t tell him in advance. Just wait til he’s back home after work and is getting changed or having a cuppa and just say something like “Right, I’m off out for an hour. There’s a spag bol to reheat for dinner. See you later”. And just go. Even if just for a brisk walk and a cuppa somewhere.

2 year old ever go to nursery?

do you work? Could you go during lunch break?

but basically he’s a horrible twat and you hate him so this is side issue

Gym while dc are at school?
Gym with a creche?
Take turns with a mate watching the dc while the other has free time? He wants you fat and stuck at home so no one can help you see he's a cunt...

i think it’s about clipping his wings with having no babysitter when he wants to go out

there nothing better than something visual to demonstrate a point get a calendar
Just say which 2 nights do you want me to go to the gym and you can have the other 5

There’s an arsehole here - but it’s not you OP.

@NeatCyanSeal this is where you need to grow a spine and TELL him that on Wednesdays and Fridays (or whatever you will be going to the gym so he will need to be in.

Its a relationship so you need to work together. If he cannot do that then I suggest kicking him out. With 50/50 childcare you'll then get plenty of free time!!