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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

168 replies

NeatCyanSeal · 25/03/2026 17:58

I’ve been with my oh for over 10 years and I just need to see if I am being unreasonable and a cow.

So since having kids I’ve put on a significant amount of weight. I’d like to go to the gym but everytime I mention it or bring it up, he starts or gets funny.
He goes to the gym, goes football , goes boxing etc literally comes and goes when he pleases.

I do absolutely nothing for myself nada not one thing. I haven’t left the house without my youngest since he’s been born. I do nothing without my kids. I’m literally last in the running. It’s the kids him me. I haven’t bought myself new clothes in years I look like a fat tramp everyday and I’ve got some issues going on which the doctor has told
me changing my lifestyle and losing a bit of weight would benefit me.

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?
AIBU to suggest that he’s not allowed to go to the gym football etc if I’m not allowed to do anything? I did mention it and he said he’s not being controlled by me, but isn’t that what he’s doing to me???

edited *** I’m not sure if he’s insecure but I have no idea why I’m a fat slob so ain’t noona gonna be looking at me 🤣

OP posts:
Dodorogers · 25/03/2026 20:55

NeatCyanSeal · 25/03/2026 18:44

Kids are 2,8 and 10

i think it’s just cos he knows where I am at home and he said to me I wanted kids so I have to deal with it.

Me wanting my own time doesn’t mean I don’t want my children at all

He sounds horrible and this is abusive

Morepositivemum · 25/03/2026 20:55

Ah op wrongly I hope he’s just lazy and can’t handle the thought of staying with the kids as opposed to wanting to keep you home/ not going out. Do you have family nearby? You need to start at least getting out x

damsondamsel · 25/03/2026 20:53

If he has two gym memberships for himself and you can't even buy yourself a new pair of trousers, then he is financially abusing you. If he is unhappy with you having a life outside of being a mother, even just going to the gym once a week, then he is coercive and controlling.

Please consult Women's Aid or Refuge for support. It's alarming how casually you mention these things and how long they've been going on. He is an abuser. You deserve to enjoy normal things.

Scarydinosaurs · 25/03/2026 20:51

I think the money and exercise can be split out.

you don’t need to exercise only in a gym. I would set a goal of walking steps and do that in the time he comes home - just leave!

The money issue is totally off the wall unfair. You should have equal spending money. You deserve new clothes.

Yardbrushes · 25/03/2026 20:49

This is what coercive control looks like.
You are in a controlling abusive relationship.
You are also being financially abused.

Coercive control is a crime.
You desperately need to contact domestic abuse charities and the police.

This is not a good man.
Your poor children.

Namechangerage · 25/03/2026 20:39

BeRoseSloth · 25/03/2026 18:45

I wouldn’t tell him in advance. Just wait til he’s back home after work and is getting changed or having a cuppa and just say something like “Right, I’m off out for an hour. There’s a spag bol to reheat for dinner. See you later”. And just go. Even if just for a brisk walk and a cuppa somewhere.

Show quote history

YES YES YES

Screamingabdabz · 25/03/2026 20:37

Are you in the UK op? Has he always been like this?

SSAW2026 · 25/03/2026 20:32

NeatCyanSeal · 25/03/2026 18:07

that’s the issue I can’t. We don’t have anybody and I need him to watch the kids while I go. He won’t he will make plans himself if he knows. As it is I’m going out for the first night next month for years (concert) and that’s been a palava hes not too happy about that but I’m going. He doesn’t drink at all hes more into sports so he goes to sporting events a lot and does his own thing while I just stay at home. I don’t drive due to a medical condition.

erm he’s a bit stingy on what I buy. I have my own money but we put it together and he’s like the spending police. He’s signed up to 2 gyms, but I can’t even buy myself a pair of new trousers cos that’s not a neccesity apperently

Show quote history

He sounds awful. He spends joint money but your not allowed to. He has lots of time fir hus interests but your not allowed to. Does he buy clothes and you don't?

Hes selfish and unreasonable. You are parenting your children whilst he lives his separate life.

popcorn215 · 25/03/2026 20:29

Just read your reply to someone, you can’t buy a pair of trousers? Fuck him right off.

popcorn215 · 25/03/2026 20:28

You NEED to make that time for yourself. Even if it’s for an hour in the evenings now they’re lighter for a walk, home workouts or say I’m going to the gym X times a week at this time.

If you feel that way about yourself he should be encouraging you to do more for you, not shooting you down.

you deserve to have a life outside of being a mum.

He is totally unreasonable and selfish.

wyntersun · 25/03/2026 20:27

You've bigger issues than not being allowed to the gym...

BernardButlersBra · 25/03/2026 20:26

Batties · 25/03/2026 18:04

This sounds abusive and controlling.

This. Every update demonstrates this more and more

TheBlueKoala · 25/03/2026 20:26

NeatCyanSeal · 25/03/2026 18:44

Kids are 2,8 and 10

i think it’s just cos he knows where I am at home and he said to me I wanted kids so I have to deal with it.

Me wanting my own time doesn’t mean I don’t want my children at all

He's horrible but you're enabling him. Why would you live with someone like that? What does he bring to the table? He's basically single in his mind coming and going as he likes. As a sahm when the dc were younger my dh took them out the week-end in order to 1. They got to spend time together and 2. I got to rest.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 25/03/2026 20:21

He's a controlling, abusive prick.

One thing that stood out for me from your post is you're calling yourself a 'fat slob'. Don't do this. Praise yourself to yourself. You're a busy, hardworking mum who wants to be healthier. Keep reminding yourself of that. Keep reminding yourself of the important things you do, the good things you do. Remind yourself that you deserve better things in life, you've earned them.

allthingsinmoderation · 25/03/2026 20:21

What do you mean exactly when you say "he starts or gets funny"?

TrashHeap · 25/03/2026 20:15

You've got yourself a controlling prick there. Frankly, I'd be planning an exit.

Isittimeformynapyet · 25/03/2026 20:11

@NeatCyanSeal you say you have no-one.

Does this mean he's also keeping you isolated?

That's another tick on the coercive controller checklist.

Please look it up - it's been illegal for years now.

IrishSelkie · 25/03/2026 20:11

ValidPistachio · 25/03/2026 19:53

To be fair to him, I doubt all these behaviours are new, but you went ahead and had 3 kids with him anyway.

I’m sure he coerced encouraged her to be pregnant or breastfeeding for the majority of the past 10 years with 3 children. Abusers love their women pregnant and trapped at home.

acorncrush · 25/03/2026 20:10

He’s financially abusing you

Isittimeformynapyet · 25/03/2026 20:07

ValidPistachio · 25/03/2026 19:53

To be fair to him, I doubt all these behaviours are new, but you went ahead and had 3 kids with him anyway.

Why would anyone need to be fair to him?

No need to be an arsehole yourself.

Isittimeformynapyet · 25/03/2026 19:59

Anyahyacinth · 25/03/2026 19:41

Someone I follow on insta goes to David Lloyd gym and her son loves the childcare there….agree so much with everyone he is getting off on limiting and controlling your life ….AND having children with zero effort

Other, cheaper, gyms are available with crèches.

Many people I know in real life go to them.

PinotPony · 25/03/2026 19:56

So you’re basically a cook, a maid and a nanny? And I’m guessing he wants to have sex with you from time to time, even though you don’t really want to?

Honestly OP, this isn’t what a loving relationship looks like. You deserve more than this for the rest of your life.

It’s scary as hell to even imagine leaving when he is the breadwinner and controls all the money but it is possible. He’d have to pay you spousal maintenance and child support. In your shoes, I’d be seeking some initial legal advice to find out what my options were, and making plans to leave. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 25/03/2026 19:56

There's a lot of problems here but one thing at a time.
When the older 2 are at school, put 2yr old in the buggy and walk. Is there a nice park within walking distance? Somewhere you can feed the ducks? A local "big house" where you can walk round the grounds for free?

Stop giving him access to your money. Buy some trainers & trousers/joggers & get walking.

Isittimeformynapyet · 25/03/2026 19:54

Tacohill · 25/03/2026 19:22

Surely he’s home by a certain time most evenings to put the kids to bed?

So just go to the gym once they’re in bed.

If he doesn’t let you then you’re in a controlling relationship and need to separate.

Surely he’s home by a certain time most evenings to put the kids to bed?

You are being facetious aren't you?

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