Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

This is horrific abuse! I’m a SAHM and stories like this make me understand why people have concerns for us.

Just to highlight that what you’re experiencing is not in anyway normal or okay… with my situation I am absolutely in control of whether I work or not, I have access to money, what I spend is not monitored and my husband is happy and more than capable of getting our young children to sleep if I need to go out or I start a new hobby, I’ve actually taken up hobbies or gone out on my own in the evenings far more than he has!

Please contact women’s aid, this isn’t a life and you’d be so much happier without him.

Thats called financial abuse.

lose the man! That’s the best type of weight to lose

You're in a financially abusive and controlling relationship. Seek help. Seriously. Call Women's Aid.

Well he either doesn’t want to look after the kids or doesn’t want you to lose weight and look/feel better for some reason. Either way he’s a shit partner and a shit dad.

So many posters going down the "tell him this", "just do that" route. No!

@NeatCyanSeal please call Women's Aid when he is at work and you can concentrate.

Get yourself together quietly and secretly without rocking the boat.

As pp have suggested, try to put money by and photograph relevant documents. Make notes of his behaviour.

Don't confront him or make him suspicious or he might tighten the screws and watch you like a hawk, making the whole thing more difficult.

Above all be safe. He's abusive already - you just don't know what he's capable of when he's actually threatened.

Seriously abusive and controlling. Leave him. What a dick.

OP, I feel like you need to hear this…

You do not need his permission to look after yourself.

If you want to go to the gym, go for a walk, go for a drink, anything really, be ready for when he walks into the house then pick up your keys, walk out and do whatever you want to do.

If you want to buy new clothes, go online right now and order some.

Stop asking for things. Live your life how you want to live it. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave.

😂

He's got you where he wants you, everything is taken care of homewise and kid wise by you and he can come and go as he pleases. No wonder he does not support you making positive changes in your life because it wold mean him having to participate in family life instead of living like a single man.

You don't need a gym or leave the kids to get fit. Not saying you shouldn't be allowed, but that shouldn't stop you.

Op to start I would find a gym with a crèche or go when lo is in nursery. I was married to someone like this but not any more. The best thing I did was go back to work and I gradually made my escape. Having your own money is essential. He is trying to make your world smaller because of his own issues. If you are at home you can’t meet anyone else. The same reason he is stopping you go to the gym. Definitely contact womens aid,

Take back control OP. He needs to be dumped. Bad bad bad man. Genuinely.

Exactly this. ☝️

Except take the kids with you, and never come back.

This is no life, OP - I hope you can begin to see it, and find a way out. Make plans quietly.

You're always going to be fighting a losing battle trying to win even tiny victories with someone like this. And it will get worse with time, I'm afraid. 💐

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?

Because he resents you.

Because he doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself.

Because he doesn’t want to parent his kids by himself for a couple of hours.

Omg op this is bloody awful he thinks he back in the 50s where women are tied to the kitchen sink. You need to put on your big pants and tell him he’s abusive and controlling and you’re no longer accepting it just like you can’t control him and his freedom. Op if you can’t go out when he gets home can you pay for childcare a couple days while he’s at work to get out. Your best bet would be to leave tbh but understandably not everyone can do this. I would get a job get your own income and bank account and tell him your risking your life by not getting healthy and the kids need you alive and well seeing as he doesn’t want to look after them. Honestly please get help you are trapped in a horrible situation.

I'm sorry my previous reply was written before I read this. His behaviour is way worse than I acknowledged. This is abuse.

Not allowing you to work, controlling and abusive.
Not sharing finances, so you are only living off bonds you personally have, financial abuse.
Only allowing you to go out once a month, and only to his approved location with his approved persons, controlling and abusive.

He appears to be a narcissist, only concerned with doing what he wants and having you at his beck and call, trapped at home with your children and no support. Talking badly about you behind your back if you do go out is another classic sign.

Please don't continue to put up with this behaviour. Contact your local womens aid charity and leave him. Its time to make yourself a higher priority

Bloody hell Nora .

Do you want to spend the rest of your life being unable to do what you want when you want? Going out for bingo once a month? With his mum?! I'm fucking infuriated for you . Op tell him to get out and leave .

This is no life.

I left my dds dad when she was 1ish, he was similar, I have built my life up over the last 11 years dd and my life is fab enhanced by my amazing dh (dds dad would have ended up killing me) .
I go to the gym and yoga now and have my own friends. My dh has supported my going because it massively helps my mental health and my immune disorder.

You could honestly call the police and say he won't let you leave the house and he'd get investigated.
This is really serious .He's an absolute shit .please pleeeaaaase pleasasse consider leaving this shit stain of a man. Do what I did , create a secret folder with documents in yours and kids - put money aside secretly and then just go one day. It must feel so scary and over whelming and I'm so sorry your going through this but the more you say the more I think he's holding you prisoner. I'd also put money on you getting better once you left him unmumsnetty hugs and support

This is dreadfully sad to read. Please contact women’s aid, you and your kids deserve better than this.

Yes, it is controlling behaviour. There's many reasons he could be doing it, selfishness on his part (not wanting to sacrifice his hobbies), controlling you, jealousy, narcissism. You should absolutely confront him about it, but be prepared for him not to change.

He shouldn't be banned from doing exercise/sport, but there needs to be a compromise to give you time too. He can either pay for childcare, or look after his own children a few times a week, or if he refuses to you may have to consider if you wish to remain in this relationship long term being disrespected as you are now.

In the meantime, it is more difficult, but try and do what you can with your two year old. I have a toddler too, so know it is hard, but put them in the pushchair and go for walks/jogs. If they still nap, try and do a home youtube workout. Or put them in front of the TV for 30 mins while you do a quick bodyweight circuit a couple of times a week. Its something to get started with until you get more regular childcare.

Best of luck!

Sorry, he really is controlling. Can you get yourself a plan to get away? It won't get any better...

You really need to contact Womens Aid, you are being abused BADLY.

What he is doing is the dictionary definition of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour with a good dose of financial abuse thrown in there too.

What he is doing is illegal, quite apart to the threats to your health if you dont get more exercise.

https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

He is being selfish. If he kicks off at the suggestion then he has to explain why. Doesn't want to look after his own kids? Selfish. Doesn't want to have to stay in for a few hours a week? Selfish.

Just go. See if can book a babysitter for an evening if need be. While you're at it, go see a friend for a catch up one night as you never seem to have any freedom without the kids whereas he has loads. Go get your hair done. Go shopping. Do anything that makes you smile again.