Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

wtf - you’ve chosen to stay with this twat? Poor kids - they will think this is normal behaviour. Raise your bar OP.

Start documenting now. You might not be ready to walk away now, but one day you will. It took me years.

I’m so sad for you. You need to take some control back. Firstly print off the info in coercive control. Show him. Tell him you will be reporting him if things don’t change. He’s a bastard and won’t change without the threat of consequences. If in a few days he’s made no effort then please speak to your local police, they WILL listen. This should not be happening, it’s been illegal for several years now x

It’s very sad that you have to come on here to ask if you are being unreasonable - you really should know that his behaviour is wrong.. He is behaving in a totally controlling and abusive way. I would say it could potentially controlling and coercive.

OP do you have any support IRL? Parents, siblings or friends who could look after your children in the meantime so you can get yourself healthy? He is seriously abusing you. Please reach out to womens aid. Xx

His behaviour is so shocking. Im so sorry. It's really sad that you live like this and have been railroaded into accepting it. He is an abusive arsehole.

When you're in the depths of these types of relationships, you don't always see it. It becomes your reality, your normal. You're doubting yourself (which is what they make you do) but listen to that bit that you're questioning that he's controlling you. That's exactly what he is doing. He's not a partner. Because a partner would want what is best for your health, your partner would cooperate with you.. your partner would care for you. Maybe reading all these posts will give you a clearer vision. It's not about the gym anymore.

This is so sad to read, and I am really sorry he treats you that way.

I am a SAHM. I pointed out to my husband that I needed more time to myself and he - reasonably - helped me figure out ways to do that. He also looks after both kids full-time on the weekend so I can work.

It'll be a rude awakening if you split up and suddenly, he has to have the kids EOW. (But I bet he's the type to palm them off on his mum?)

In the meantime, can you take the toddler out in a pushchair for a daily walk to help with the fitness/health issues? An hour a day would make a huge difference. Does the toddler nap? Would a pushchair lull them to sleep? If they'd sit happily and quietly looking around, you could always stick an earphone in and listen to a funny podcast as you walk. Sometimes, that really helps me in the day. I understand it's not always that simple, though.

buy a treadmill and prepay a gym membership. Find a babysitter and start paying them so you can leave the house for a couple of hours

@99bottlesofkombucha do you think she should stay with him?

What about secretly planning to leave him with support from Women's Aid and keeping him none the wiser?

I'd say she needs to put money aside to help her start over, not splash out on gym membership, treadmill and babysitters in the short term.

@NeatCyanSeal needs to be careful until she can get out or he may well get worse.

I also think you should contact Women’s Aid.

This is very controlling behaviour and not doing your health or self esteem any good.

I really hope you start to see yourself in a more positive light. Self care is important - it’s clearly important to him for himself. You deserve that too.

Oh, OP. This is sad.

He’s not lazy, he’s just a garden variety asshole.

The fact that you have health problems and he is blocking you from an activity which could imply our health is shocking.

This is an abusive relationship. He is nota good man

He is keeping your life small. He is keeping you unfit and unconfident in your body. He is actually keeping unhealthy/unwell given your updates about your health issues.
He is not a good man. I know it’s not always as simple as LTB but honestly, I don’t think I could find any love or respect in my heart for someone who treated me this way. You don’t have a life, you’re just a servant. You shouldn’t have to beg or negotiate to have a night out or go to the gym, it should just be something you do without drama or upset.
In terms of your health issues - start small. Healthy meals and regular walks with your little one in the buggy. Maybe some home workouts on YouTube if you can fit them in around your dc naps or playing. When you start to feel stronger physically maybe it will have an impact on your mental strength too and you’ll find the motivation to put him in his place or even better, leave him. Such a lack of respect and equality in a relationship isn’t good to model to your kids. i really hope you can find a way to improve things.

This is 100% coercive control and financial abuse op. Have you access to money and just feel like you need permission to use it or have you no access? Set up your own bank account and make sure your bonds income only goes there. Then if you have access to joint funds immediately use them to buy a treadmill and prepay a gym membership. Find a babysitter and start paying them so you can leave the house for a couple of hours to start establishing some independence, it will help you think clearly. Reconnect with your friends. Call women’s aid and explain how he is, you will find they say the same thing re abuse.

him saying something doesn’t in any way make it true. In your head think of him like your toddler. ‘Men should be the ones to go out to work’. Yes dear, you can use the free crayons.’ Women with no support and a financially abusive husband absolutely need their own lives and jobs. If you are ever frightened of him, call the police.

@NeatCyanSeal I just read more of the thread. This reads to me as financial and domestic abuse. Coercion and control.

You are the victim of domestic abuse time to make him your ex Life will be better without him .

That man HATES you. Can you not see it?
You probably do all the cleaning, cooking, washing and childcare leaving him to do as he pleases.
He treats you all like an inconvenience rather than his family.
Wake up OP. You deserve to be healthy and happy. And your children deserve more too 💐

Yabu to be so derogatory about yourself. Please be kinder yo yourself.

Yanbu to kick his useless lazy arse out the door. Ensure he maintains contact so that you get your free time when the kids are with him. That would immediately lose you at least what, 70-90kg for the average guy?

Leave him. You're already living the life of a single mum. Even if he only sees the kids once a week for a few hours, you can do what you like then,

Go to mother and toddler groups/classes. I know where I live there are some exercise classes that you bring your preschooler to and do things together.

He is an abusive piece of shit and everything he is doing is to control you so that you have no life outside of him. But you CAN have a life outside of him and you deserve so much better my lovely.

You have a much bigger problem then getting to the gym OP. Time to have a hard think about the future and what sort of relationship you want. He sounds awful - abusive and controlling. You know what sort of man he is. Start planning your escape.

Why on earth did you have children with this prick???

This

Sensing loss of control can set men like him off. If he's this bad already when you're toeing the line, it might get much worse. Nothing justifies even a iota of coercive control. He keeps you small, isolated and unsure of yourself so that you stay, but you don't have to listen to him. You can make plans to escape the situation and you won't have to do it alone.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

exactly this.!

Sorry I should have included some practical advice too - find out if there are any mum/baby or toddler work out groups in your area. This is one of the first things I did. Then you can take your 2 year old and it's a good way to get started x

Oh man here we go. Please please get away from him. He is abusive. You need to politely wake up and see what you’re living with. You are a servant to him nothing else. Where is your family and friends? U need to get rid of him asap. Believe me he is abusing you and you don’t realise. He is kicking off as he doesn’t want you to wreck his cushy little life that he has. What a complete dickhead. Poor u and poor kids. Get tf away from him.

YANBU

What a prize this guy is - not. An embarrassment of a man, a partner and a father.

For context, reading the beginning of your OP felt like I was reading my own story - I've got two under 3s, have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding non-stop for the last 4 years, weight ballooned, sleep deprived and now health issues on top. Had a wake up call in January when a normal virus wiped me out and triggered a few things.

I've decided it's time to reclaim my body and look after myself. DH has been super supportive - runs the household on Saturday morning so I can go to Slimming World and stay to group. Does half the cooking and follows my plan so it's easier to incorporate to our every day. Does bath and bed time when I want to run, or gym, or whatever. Happy to take both kids to soft play every weekend so I can have some downtime.

He also gets his run/gym nights, we take it in turns now.

I already feel tons better and lighter.

A partner should want the best for you no matter what. A partner would try to make things equal. A father would not complain about parenting his own children.

I wish men would feel shame but I doubt someone like this would even care that so many people think they are a loser.