AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

I’ve found often over the years that when I have an uneasy feeling or worry about a situation potentially occurring in the future, I’m prone to read too much into off the cuff remarks and fill in their potential meaning with the narrative I’m most worried about.
Often completely without cause.

If he's worried, he can get a job then! Plenty of 65 year olds still work. Even if he worked for just a few years it would help to build their savings pot.

whats your instinct on there housing situation is it too big or perfect for their needs? Expensive retirement property? You can offer some practical help researching options to cheaper rent but assuming they are expecting you to pay sounds like a big leap.

She's going to have to be looking at downsizing.

Would you seriously deprive your kids of necessary financial assistance for higher education to fund your mom living beyond her means? Letting your kids assume so much school debt cripples them before they even get started .

Your mom's a big girl and she and her partner are ridiculous if they expect you to fund a lifestyle where they want to be but can't afford at the expense of your kids.

Has she talked about this with you?

I think a lot of older people don't get how student debt accumulates and how much it puts young people behind in life. Add the cost of living and housing to that and young people are screwed.

If you haven’t had the conversation, how do you know that there is an assumption that you’ll be paying?

Have you always been an interfering busybody OP? Your mother is a fully grown adult, as is her partner. It's up to them to make decisions about their lifestyle, not you.

Has she actually asked, or is this all in your head? I wouldn’t bring it up, tbh. She’s an adult with an adult partner. They can make their own decisions. If she asks you, that’s different, and I wouldn’t have any problems explaining why you can’t subsidise her for the next 20 years or more. But right now, it’s only your problem if you make it so.

My dilemma is that its been apparent for some time that it will be on me to financially support my mum when she can no longer work, because her pension wont cover her rent.

No it won't be on you ....why would it be?

I am retired and have no expectation that any of my AC might take any financial responsibility for me.

I can't imagine why you think it is down to you .... or has she asked for this?

Address two birds with one stone.

Rented extra-care if possible, they're old enough to be the able-bodied element & if they decline, they have support.

They cannot stick their heads in the sand & if they won't address this, than that's their choice.

How do you know it is assumed that you will help? Is it possible your mum has her own plan and no intention of thrusting herself on your charity at all? On the face of it, it sounds a bit of a mismatch with someone who's still got the capability, drive and self discipline to be still working FT at 73. Definitely something to explore with her.

Of course you may well be right, but I would just say tread carefully if there is any doubt. My parents would be deeply offended if I assumed they were expecting me to pay their rent.

Any chance of looking into cheaper property for them? But I get that families help each other is this just a result of your DM worrying about not working? I’ve not really heard of adult children paying their parents rent but cost of living has maybe scarred her to think her money won’t last.

Agreed. It’s really not any of your business OP
Has your mum actually broached this with you? It doesn’t sound like it from your posts

Has your DM actually said that is what she expects or are you just assuming? If she’s told you that, then you just make it clear that actually no, she needs to work out how she supports herself - with her savings, his savings, their pension and by moving.

If you’re just assuming, then stop. It’s not your responsibility and no-one expects it to be.

Hold up. Why do you need to be telling them anything? What has their living arrangement got to do with you?
Have they asked for your help?
Have they asked for your opinion?

They are grown adults, self-sustaining their own lifestyle. Why do you have any say at all?

why would you pay rent when she has savings. I dont get this with a certain age group. I saw this at work probate. Elderly person died leaving substantial savings, family no idea as they were constantly saying they had no money, pension wouldn’t stretch etc etc.

@Lemonspoon123
It does sound a bit like it is you who has got the idea about subsidising them.
It’s difficult to see here why you would think this, although you probably have your reasons.
They will make decisions based on what they have when the time comes.

Sheltered housing and pension. It’s not clear where you live but up here in West Yorkshire there are lots of council bungalows one bedroom for pensioners. She needs to get her name down for something like that. You shouldn’t be paying for her op x

Who assumed this? Did she? You? Some other relative?

My mum stayed home with us so has a bit of a challenging financial situation in retirement (my parents divorced when I was a teenager). We treat her to things when she comes (we live overseas) but I would never think her day to day expenses are up to us. She has a small flat that she likes and is careful with money and is fine. If she genuinely couldn’t eat or something like that I’d have a serious chat with my husband, but it doesn’t sound like your mum is anywhere near that situation for years and years if ever.

Sorry but she can't be choosy where she lives if she has rented all her life and has a partner who could be working and saving the inheritance for their dotage, or better yet pool their money and buy a small one bed flat somewhere cheaper. It's one of my fears as i rented I'm London a long time and moved away because I do not want to be renting into my old age and couldn't afford to buy in my naice area. You absolutely shouldn't be funding anyone but yourself and your kids.

They have to move, that’s what I’ll have to do when I retire.

She really doesn't seem to be struggling now @Lemonspoon123 . She has considerable savings, a job and a partner.
He may not work, but she's made the choice to accept that (I can't think of anything less attractive... Unless we're talking millions in which case I wouldn't be working FT at 73!!).

I really think you can lay this burden down, it's not yours to carry.

Have you heard of Codependency? Something I realised I have after some counselling sessions. I feel the need to fix everyone's problems even when they haven't asked and don't expect me to...

Given you're financially well off and your mother's £90k savings, have you considered buying a property together? If you feel like you could end up paying rent in the end, would a mortgage be preferable, and leave you with an asset that will hopefully have risen in value and possibly be passed to your children in future?