AIBU to prioritise supporting my teens over funding my mum’s rent?

Great question and my first thought too!

OP, you mum is an adult. As is her partner. You do not owe them anything. Sounds like you need to have a frank conversation with her about your fears for her future and her need to make plans for herself.

You need to take a BIG step back OP. Inserting yourself into conversation on this topic just infers that you are in some way part of the solution- the very opposite of what you want to be seen as.
Grey rock every time it comes up, offer the obvious answer (get a job/downsize etc) only and refuse to be drawn into it
They are two adults. Let them sort out their own mess

You absolutely mustn't support your mum unless you are really very wealthy!
If you have 2 kids at uni in the future, then you will be expected to pay their living costs yourself, which will be around £10k per year, each, for 3 years. SO that's £60k. What if one wants to do a masters? Or changes course and has another year? Another £10k.

If you have anything spare after that, then you should be putting money in junior S&S ISAs for them to save for a house deposit, as bank of mum and dad is really going to be the only way most young adults get on the housing ladder in the near future (in fact some reports say that's already the case)

What about your pension? You need to make sure you have enough for a good standard of living in your retirement - you need more than you think if you don't have a defined benefit pension from work.

And finally, if there's anyhting left over, contribute to a junior pension for each of your kids - then when they work they can start paying into immediately without having to decide whether to, where, how much, what funds.....

On the other hand, your mum has £90k in savings which will last a while.

She'll have her state pension - which could be above the minimum. If it's below the minimum she'll get pension credits and housing support, warm home fund etc. If her health deteriorates, she can get attendance allowance.

She might have to move, but that's normal for elderly people. As mobility deteriorates most people want something smaller and low maintenance anyway.

I really don't think you need to worry about her beyond taking her for a nice meal now and then.

If she's expecting more than that, then you should make clear now that with financial responsibility for 2 kids, you can't afford another dependant.

Out of love and gratitude for everything her mother did for her, perhaps?

Well done for opening this thread.
You obligations are to your minor children who are completely dependent on you.
Encourage your children to get part time jobs during university.
It is great at instilling time management skills and focus.
Your mothers housing is not your responsibility and being good to her is one thing and very subjective, it certainly doesn't include paying for her housing.
She needs to make provision for herself.
Do not bring up this conversation with her.

I don’t know what 90k of pension will look like annually but she will get state pension too which is about 1k a month

Pair of manipulative bastards. He's quite clearly lining you up to pay for things so he gets to doss about off your money and gets as much as he can off your Mum too; a double whammy. Shows how much he cares about you and your kids.

I'd start off by dropping some of your own hints about how expensive it is for the kids to go to uni.

If you outright say to your Mum you can't keep her will she then just pretend she has never inferred you should?

Buying a property sounds reasonable but I wouldn't do it if her partner is going to get lifetime occupancy or anything similar.

She hasn’t explicitly asked your for money, so I wouldn’t approach from that angle.

I’d have a chat with her from the approach of being worried about your own finances- redundancy, cost of university for the children.

You know she has managed to be self-sufficient and build up savings so you are after some advice about getting through a financially tricky spot.

Do you know why your mum has never paid into a workplace or private pension?

If she will only have her state pension when she retires plus her £90k savings and won't be able to afford the rent on their current home, they will have to move to somewhere cheaper.

It really isn't your responsibility to fund their lifestyle. Her partner has retired before reaching state pension age so I would be very reluctant to make a monthly contribution when he could still be working and earning.

Just leave dm and her partner to make their own choices
Unless she asks your advice dont get involved

Why is it your responsibility Op ? Your DM has a state pension , 90k and a DH with an inheritance. They need to live within their means
Don’t give it another thought unless they ask - then say no !

Your DM and her DP have made their life choices. They can live with the consequences.

I'm repeating myself BUT claim unemployment benefit.

She has 90000 paying interest each year.
Sorted.
When it runs out she gets pension credit .
Sorted.
She has a partner
Sorted.
Not your issue at all.

I mean, how wealthy ARE you? If you and DH were both on v high salaries for example with millions in savings and pension then yes I would probably help out.

I think this is good. Every time one of them brings up anything remotely financial, come back with how worried you are about losing your job and the university costs and lay it on.

If her partner dares to mention how worried he is about their financial situation, look him square in the eyes and say well, you could always get a job. Or think about moving to a cheaper area.

You are not their money tree. He's got a fucking nerve.

@Lemonspoon123 you have no responsibility here whatsoever.

She is an adult and needs to plan for her own retirement. If she cannot sustain her current lifestyle when she retires then she will need to find cheaper housing.

It is not your issue. You should NOT be giving her money!!

Your priority is your own children. Not someone who has options and needs to live without their own means.

Her savings, his inheritance and the interest on those top up her pension to minimum wage equivalent for over 7 years on the state pension amount possibly longer if she's got a private pension on top of and his inheritance amount. It could be the joint savings and inheritance give minimum wage equivalent until he retires or longer at which point 2 pensions is minimum wage.

You don't have to do either OP.

I think you need to be quite clear with her that your children are your priority and you won't be supporting her lifestyle choices.

If he's worried then he needs to get a job.

I'd be talking about how worried you are about money with losing your job and 2 children off to university and they might take the hint.

She has 90k in savings, she isn’t struggling.

The two of them have substantial savings on which they could be earning 4.5% if they shop around for a good rate, that would provide them with some income.
Or they could buy an annuity?

She should be using her £90k savings to pay her own rent and when that runs out, if her and her partner don’t have other savings and depending on their pension situation, they might be eligible for housing benefit?

The partner had not worked for years but expects you to find him when his inheritance runs out?