Husband doesn’t see what I do as a contribution

Remind him that his salary wouldnt be possible without your childcare contribution and sacrifice. Or just divorce the prick for having zero respect for you and thinking he is better than you.

Well are you honestly not able to do all this stuff on the days you aren’t working as agreed? If so you need to sit down and discuss how the things you can’t manage are going to get done. If you could get them done (eg text about birthday present plans, or dropping present at local relatives, sorting pack lunches, catch up “meeting” about what’s going on this month) then just get on with it.

I think you’re finding your role more irksome and the drop in salary more upsetting than you expected. You can change it if so.

Our school offers activities within the wrap around provision so kids of FT employed parents still have the same chance to attend a range of things. Does your school offer something like that?

With great respect, if your marriage is shaky it might be best to focus on improving your earnings and compromising on activities which are nice but not essential.

Your H may have genuine issues with memory and executive function which is characteristic of ADHD, but nobody here can know that. I have to do a lot of the thinking for my ADHD spouse but the crucial point is that he is never an arse about it. Being a self absorbed and entitled knobhead is not a symptom.

When he says that you wouldn't have the house of it wasn't for his earnings, tell him he wouldn't have a family if it wasn't for what you do.

If you can't go back to full time work because of his hours, then how would he even see his dcs if you split up?

He takes you for granted but is it out of ignorance ? Call his bluff and pretend to be contemplating full time work, and sit down with him to sort out who takes the kids where when etc and see if his attitude changes.

When you sadly part time what do you mean? 8hrs a week or 30?

I get what you mean though- he did the lunch but you have to double check it. He sounds checked out of family life.

I’m not sure why three of you would go?

I’d stop buying for his side of the family, he clearly isn’t bothered so why should you be?
I didn’t see how old your dd is but if she is at school then tbh I think you should be doing most, not all, of the house jobs and management.
Perhaps go back to work full time with the understanding that he does more, then if he doesn’t you will be in a better position financially to think again about staying together or not.

I’m also on the fence here a bit. Why on earth buy your child’s gifts in secret waiting to see if he mentions it. Yes it appears he is forgetful or not paying attention, and clearly it worries him enough to see a doctor, but you seem to be passively aggressively trying to test him and looking for failure so you can have a go,

this is not a marriage it’s a competition.

Overall, I completely sympathise with your frustration at his lack of memory and needing to be reminded. From my own journey to ADHD diagnosis, there is no way I would have had the time to pursue it when I was working full time. I was always almost drowning and setting up doctor appts and pushing for an assessment felt impossible until I was not working (job loss). Your DH has a demanding job with evening and weekend hours.

If him getting to grips with why he struggled with remembering things, then perhaps help him with that?

In addition, I think it is odd you bought a birthday gift for a distant relative on his side of the family but have said nothing to him about DD’s birthday? It seems like a deliberate sit back, let him fail and then watch him feel like shit and DD feel like shit.

I mean, if we are completely honest here dropping off a gift to a family member or worrying about no nut school is not the most exciting stuff for anyone to be interested in. I am not defending him, he sounds like an absolute dick but I also think it is understandable that he doesn't want to concern himself with the mundane when he knows someone else will do it.
I am more surprised that you agreed to pick up all of these jobs to begin with.
If I were in your position, I'd be looking to get back to FT work ASAP. You can't possibly be spending more times with kids when they are at school for the vast majority of the day. Which means, as far as he is concerned, you are just sitting around at home. So go back to FT work and make sure all other chores are split equally when you do.
If that doesn't work, divorce is a perfectly viable option.

I’d get back to work full time and start planning a divorce. This man is self centred and shows contempt for you. There’s not much you can do to come back from that tbh. Once he has to remember this stuff for himself without a wife to do all his thinking, it will become clear to everyone else what a waste of space he is, and that bringing money isn’t the only thing required for a functional life.