Husband doesn’t see what I do as a contribution

Yes, I don’t understand how picking up a package from a shop is a family event. I would try and get of having to do this too!!

Why would the OP have to get up at 3am? That seems excessive. This doesn’t sound like a great relationship or good role models for the children to grow up with. I would be making plans to go back to work full time and losing the husband.

30 hours across 3 days is barely part time, FT is just 5 hours more. I think most people would assume PT is under 20 hours (or maybe that's just me!). You're putting 10 hour days in 3 days a week, he can't be doing much more at work than you- 10 hours more? And you're responsible for literally every "life admin" task and household chore as well? Of course it isn't fair, and of course you're going to feel resentful. I'd imagine at 30 hours a week you're contributing your fair share financially so his bollocks about "not having a house without him" is just that, bollocks.

I don't have much advice because I live in a similar situation, except I work FT. DH would never think to plan birthday/christmas presents and trips out, nor would he think about nut policies at school. He doesn't really know much about DC's school events unless explicitly told, despite them always being in the google calendar. It's frustrating so I get it.

I agree with this.

It's just not necessary for both parents to get involved with everything. As plenty of people have said, it doesn't need 3 of you to pick up her communion dress, and if he's happy for you to take the lead with present buying, and you're happy to do it, then it doesn't need you both to get involved. I think it's worth working on communication. At the moment you are "expecting" him to pick up on cues and getting annoyed when he doesn't. For example if you say "I'm going to pick up a few bits for DD's birthday", why not just tell him what you are getting, rather than getting annoyed because he doesn't spontaneously ask?

I adopted a similar approach with my husband. I told him he was entirely responsible for x, y and z (I picked the things I cared less about). And then I left him to it. Yes, there was a brief period of him getting things "wrong" or missing things because he was picking up unfamiliar tasks, but he soon got used to it. And, if it wasn't done in the exact same way that I would have done it, that was actually ok.

The thing is, in relationships / marriages, you tend to have to divide and conquer. There's no point saying "I'm so upset my husband isn't interested in coming clothes shopping for our daughter" if generally you're the one who does it. I honestly don't know any many men who would leap at the chance to go and pick up a dress from a shop 😐

All the stuff you say your husband doesn't pay attention to are all the things my DH wouldn't be interested in either. Not because he's cruel or heartless but because those are the things I take responsibility for. Likewise if he came to me and said "do you want to come and have a look at this leak in the shower?" or "do you want to give me a hand making Sunday dinner?" I would say no thank you, those are your jobs!

I suppose you need to look at the bigger picture here. Is he a good dad and husband generally? Is he caring? Does he take an interest in their hobbies? Does he have fun with them?

To me, those are all far more important than whether he feigns interest in birthday presents or communion dresses....

Keeping an able bodied adult afloat?

She works and looks after 3 children and runs the household!

Are you ok? Who is being kept afloat here?

Well then remind him that without your flexibility he wouldn't be able to do his job.

Ask him how he'd manage without you there? How would he manage child care, after school clubs etc.

In my experience nothing will change until you drop the rope. Don't organise gifts for his side of the family, that's for him to do. Don't remind him about anything "him" - car insurance etc.

Alternatively, the kids don't have to do after school activities, or he rearranges his job to do some of the after school activities? (That's never going to happen but its an example of how things rely on you). Let him know that if you two separate you expect 50:50 custody and how will he manage his job then?

Or work out how much he'd have to pay via CMS and show him!

I dont think there is any need for both of them / all 3 of them to collect the dress.

I think @summervibes26 is talking about a general pattern of him lacking interest in family events, perhaps? That is how read it.

Honestly go back to work full time and let him pay for the au pair.
he’ll soon be begging you to go back to part time. These people do not get it! Just becuase you’re not getting paid doesn’t mean you are not contributing! And this is why childcare professionals are also not taken seriously. It’s a job that should be respected as much as any other.
let him learn, let him find the au pair. You go back to work. Be petty.

I'd stop buying g the Granola bars then he can't send them in. I'd also not buy gifts for his distant relatives but would buy for mil, sil/bil and nephews/nieces if they were nice people.

I don't know how you think the rest of us manage?

But if you don't want to go back full time, then either get ready and leave him or just drop the stuff you don't need to do for you and the DC?

Buying gifts for his family? nope
Washing, ironing, cooking for him? nope (this is a kind of strike... so be prepared to do it fully or not at all) Then when he notices tell him how much (or none) of this stuff you are prepared to do in the future

Etc etc. He is a grown man with a job. Does he forget the boring details at work?

Sorry but it seems to me like you're creating problems. Why on earth would all 3 of you need to go to a shop just to pick up something you've ordered which you're going to be taking home anyway?!

I've had similar with my DH and it has got better over the years. The crucial thing here is to remind him that you wouldn't have that life style if it wasn't for YOU, too! Your childcare and housework enables him to work full time knowing that stuff is taken care of. It almost used to feel like a competition. Once we started being like a team playing different positions, things got better. Once we started thanking each other for what each other did, it really improved. My DS16 has learned this and thanks both of us for meals, lifts etc

It can be easier if you divide up the jobs completely so that you have separate responsibilities. One person deals with laundry and another one with food shopping and cooking kind of thing. If you are partially responsible it is easy to forget and get in a muddle.

Eh, he cannot be forced to take the children, unfortunately.
He may be forced to pay.
I understand the work and mental load of the OP, however, speaking for myself, I would massively resent keeping another able bodied adult "afloat", if they earned three times less than myself.
Sorry.

He thinks being the main breadwinner is fulfilling his role as husband and father and you should be on your hands and knees being eternally grateful. Everything else falls on you and he’s sick of you not recognising he is king in your marriage and you’re just the maid who is responsible for running his household, looking after his children etc. He thinks you have it easy in comparison to him and resents you when you expect him to remember or care about granola bars or presents as it’s beneath him.

It sounds like both of you are playing who has the worst life. You are disappointed with his contributions he then feels he needs to act superior to dispel your dissatisfaction.

You could try having a heart to heart and working out how to be a team if you think he’s up for it.

or you need to accept you can’t change him you can only change you. Drop anything for his family/friends and stop caring how it looks. Drop anything house jobs you don’t care about or can live without not being done he will do them if it bothers him. If he’s responsible for something don’t remind him/ critique him. Leave him to sort it. Make sure you get some time for your self and enjoy it.

Can you afford to go on holiday for 2 weeks and let him see what you do?
also stop buying gifts for his family for him. Like seriously he’s proven that’s wasting your time.

Why on earth would both of you need to be there to sort a dress?

With great respect, if your marriage is shaky it might be best to focus on improving your earnings and compromising on activities which are nice but not essential

This. It's time to start problem solving a way to get back to working full time

3 kids, youngest is 6, so this isn’t a new thing, is it? He checked out ages ago and the job is an excuse. You’ve carried him and he’s become entitled.

I both DH and I work more than full time, across international time zones, both travel (I’m away at least half the month) and we’re both capable of buying birthday gifts and adhering to school policies.

There is currently no benefit to him in doing more. So you are going to have to force it. Stop making life so comfortable for him at your own expense.

You seem to be creating a lot of unnecessary "work" in order to justify being part time

Lots of couples both work full time and manage birthday presents etc without lots of drama

Stop buying for his side of the family for starters - that's a him problem .

I am in the process of divorcing my exH and this is the thing I'm most looking forward at not having to do anymore. All the mundane, boring stuff that's essential for a smooth life. We are still living together, for various painful reasons, but I'm moving into my own home in few weeks time.

I am dreading how filthy the family home will become though, he hasn't swept or mopped a floor in months. Doesn't do laundry until the basket is overflowing, not changed either child's bed unless they've had an accident.

I cannot wait to only be responsible for the kids and I.

Yes I know I shouldn't be doing all the cleaning, and I don't do his laundry, however, I do all the kids laundry. I have picked my battles and am placing my mental health over picking fights about housework. I know I've set him up for failure as he figures stuff out on his own, that is quite satisfying tbh

But if you are divorced....then his travel is not your problem but childcare will be.

People are trying to help here.

See I don't see anything wrong with this?

It doesn't take 3 of you to pick up a dress.

With regards to the rest, I think if I was working full time and earning twice as much as the part-timer, I'd see it as fair that they did more.

Is he happy for you to remain working part-time so the kids can do after school activities?

Does he even think about your children? Lots of us work full time, or two jobs and still remember our kids birthdays and generally just think about them through the day. What activities they have on etc even if we're not the ones taking them there. He sounds a bit pathetic really, just having you sort everything like you're his mummy.

Telling that he can be so organised when it suits him eg for his upcoming trip....