Husband doesn’t see what I do as a contribution

“OK DH, if I was paid market rate for everything I organize and get done, I’d be the higher earner out of the 2 of us. I work 7 days a week; which adds up to about 70 hours a week.”

"I’m happy to do more around the house being part time ... as that was the agreement we had when he took the job which would entail longer hours for him and occasionally working into the evening/weekends when he’s home and I wanted to be home with the kids more."

"He then said if it wasn’t for his money (earnings) we wouldn’t have this house ect . The last year or so Ive had countless of comments similar to that extent. "

"... it’s the bit of being reminded how he earns more and how our life wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for his earnings that really gets me."

I think I'd be reminding him that the only reason he can earn that money in that job is because you agreed to support that. Has he forgotten that too? It would seem that you were a team then, but not now. :(

There are two problems I can see - his memory, and his attitude. They're linked, but separate IYSWIM. His memory issues could be physical (which is why he went to the doctor) or could be part of the nobody's-as-important-as-me-so-I'm-not-going-to-waste-effort-on-them attitude.

Do you think it is possible that he has a medical issue, and is trying to disguise it with bravado; or do you think he has become self-important due to earning more and is choosing to forget that you sacrificing your career made his career possible?

If he has memory problems, he needs to follow up on this. I found there's a difference when I work FT as opposed to p/t; it's like I get used to remembering things like about the nuts/May's birthday party etc. To me, it's like when you first bring your baby home, it seems hard for a few days then you just do the feeds and everything without thinking about it, but we're all different, and we're really the first generation where it's been normal for the man to have to do things like help pack lunches (shout out to my grandad who ALWAYS did house and childcare, but he was seen as unusual by some!) If you aren't happy with his contributions, go FT and tell him you'll both split all the housework and childcare.

30 hours is more than part time really and you have 3 kids so he firstly needs to appreciate you a lot more.

He’s checked out of parenting and the mental load and he’s handed it over to you. That’s why he’s forgetting- he doesn’t see it as important and he thinks it’s your job.

You need to push back a bit. So no present buying for any side of his family. Definitely not distant local relatives! So unnecessary- he can forget and deal with the consequences.

He doesn’t appreciate what you do as he doesn’t realise what it all entails.

On the rare occasions my DH would do the the school pick up he would ask me what time school finished. Every.single.time! These are intelligent men but they don’t allocate the brain space to things like that.

I stopped doing DH’s laundry in an attempt to stop my resentment towards him. He also does a lot of the Saturday clubs. Just hand over more stuff to him. And keep pointing out he would not be able to do his job or have progressed in his career without you.

I said usually. Read the full sentence.
And no to your first two questions.
And no idea why to your third Q. Maybe someone else could answer you on that. Or ask AI they may help you figure that out.

"that's just the way it is"
would you say that about race? Or sexual orientation? Why does being female mean working harder and being the default parent?

I have to agree with this.

OP you work 30hrs a week, that's plenty with three children as well.

Mumsnet is obsessed with mothers working full time. Outsourcing the childcare, often negates the extra money but hey career comes first on this batshit crazy forum.

So 3 days a week he sorts the kids out in the morning, drop them off and go to work. He works 5 days, whilst you get two days child free?

Yes, you should take the biggest proportion of the mental load.

I wouldn’t expect anything else on this tbh. I know making your communion is an important sacrament but he’ll see the dress on the day. No biggie!

The mundane jobs of parenting usually sit with the mum, it’s just the way it is. Mum’s are great at getting the logistics of family life done, the correct way and on time. I use my DH skill’s for cooking a few dinners a week and ferrying the kids places.

Work out what your DH is good at, what he doesn’t mind doing and could manage regularly and delegate those jobs to him. And don’t sweat the small stuff! Then less arguments between you both, for things to be said that aren’t meant.

I have memory issues for things that don't interest me. So i write myself reminders, or notes on what needs to be done.

And you work 30 hours? that isn't really much off full-time. Divide up the tasks and make him crack on with it. Presumably in a nut free school what the children bring in is checked? Either let them miss out on a snack if this is the case (and it's confiscated) or just stop buying things with nuts in?

Occam's Razor is your friend here: go for the easiest option for everything. Also if you want to stay with him, hang in there. Your children will be pretty self-sufficient for many things soon.

May be he does have memory issues. Any chance he could have ADHD? This can give memory issues especially when the individual hyper focuses on something else eg work.

then he wants them in a team sport so they do play sports and have matches at the weekend which generally is split so I am there to drop them to training but then at the weekend then the matches fall to him as I usually work Saturdays

for starters knock your involvement in this on the head. He wants it, he facilitates it. Completely, training and matches.

It doesnt sound like your husband has a particularly high-earning job and you are still working 30 hours (which is almost full-time).

So he still has to do his share round the house. It sounds like he wants you to do 75% of housework/childcare AND bring in (I am estimating here) 40% of the money.

Does this mean he does all the morning stuff with the kids on three days a week before he goes to work?

Agreed. Far more efficient to separate tasks than all traipse around doing every errand together

Or ... a different tack ... figure out how you do life without him. Financially, logistically, practically. Make sure you can stand on your own two feet. Then you make a choice about whether you stay or go from a much stronger position.

You are not happy with the way things are now. BUT you cannot change anyone's behaviour except your own.

I totally get this and sympathise. Your husband sounds useless.
30 hours a week is basically full time! Particularly if you are working 10 hour days.
I don’t think you need to do anything drastic like get divorced but decide what you want and ‘arrange a meeting’ with your husband where you tell him what’s expected and you can divvy out jobs/roles.

He doesn’t care, that’s why he doesn’t remember.

what does he bring to the relationship other than a pay check and mess?

I do understand what you are saying, truly, but you are as guilty as your DH from looking at this from his PoV:

Going back full time isn’t an option at the moment as it would mean the kids would not get to go to their afterschool activities.
OK, so that is what it would mean for the short term (realistically won't happen anyway but hear me out)
I’d be up every morning at 3am
Why? Presumably this to get things done that should be shared 50/50. In which case you need to split it fairly so he pulls his weight
and wouldn’t be able to get to bed until 8pm
As above
plus as he already travels for work it just wouldn’t work with childcare
You only need to worry about childcare for 50% of the time, ask him what his solution is for 'his' days. His job = not your problem for the purposes of this discussion

Essentially, I would work out what it would take for you to work full-time. More precisely what it would take FROM HIM to share home responsibilities 50% (which should enable you to work full time given you are doing everything and working 30hrs). Then tell him that the old agreement is dead because he has not held up his side of the bargain due to disrespect and treating you like a slave instead of a partner Therefore you need to work full time and explain what his 'fair share' now looks like and ask him when how early he can put this is place. He is welcome to arrange paid assistance if he is unwilling / unable to do things himself, but it is no longer your job to run around after him and arrange his life and responsibilities. Give him a date you are targeting and watch his jaw drop. And obviously (as it is the first question he will ask) of course you are willing to contribute 50% to shared bills. (I know it will not be fair as his income is higher but that one needs to be put to bed straight away or he will use it as an excuse).
Let's see how he likes them apples...

I hope he may see your contribution in a different light. If not, i would drop any and all assistance to him - including cooking and cleaning and anything else that will inconvenience him until he sees the light (or you end up divorcing the arse)

Sit down with him and divide jobs up between you. He doesn't need to tag along with everything you do, collecting the dress for example. He does need to pull his weight, you need to not expect perfection in everything. Fir interest, if you are working 10 hour days, how do you do that with 3 kids?

If you went full time wouldn’t you be doing shorter days as you seem to be doing compressed hours at moment (30hrs over 3 days). I don’t understand why you’d need to get up at 3am if you worked full time either but maybe that was a throw away comment. Is there not wrap around care at school? So maybe one person drops off, one person picks up? And after school activities become weekend activities or are scheduled later in the evening which will happen as they get older anyway.

I got my MIL a Christmas gift that needed to be posted (we live abroad) and it was sitting there on top of the wardrobe till last week!
If you don't want to break up, the only option is to divide up tasks based on your strengths. If he wants to be liberated from planning and organising and remembering, he has to pick up more of the routine grunt work like cleaning, laundry, shopping, DIY etc. I have let go of expecting my DH to do things the way I would do them and I'm rubbish at some of the things he can do like DIY (I also hate washing up and he loves it so win-win there!).