Husband doesn’t see what I do as a contribution

This - you work p/t, he has a demanding job of course he will forget the more mundane jobs, you can remind him.

I agree with a PP who suggested you call his bluff.

You obviously contribute to the house/family, you may well contribute more if you cost it out fully. However, you’ve also carried him or enabled him on the family front so he won’t think about birthdays etc.

Even if they do all the household management and so you have to do very little for your children? Or are they not your concern?

And he wouldn't be living in that house without her contribution

Presumably he'll see her in it when she makes her first Communion though?
And (I'm not a Christian) isn't the religious aspect of Communion more important than what you wear?

I'd say it was unusual for men to get excited about their daughter's dresses.
Wedding dress shopping, for example, has never been an event where the father of the bride was expected to play any part other than potentially paying for the chosen dress.

that is bonkers though. He clearly doesn't care about it. Just let the dress thing go.

….presumably wear ear plugs when her husband speaks so rudely to her too? Why on earth would someone endure that?

Isn’t the dress issue more likely to be around being together as his daughter tries it on for the first time?

perhaps everyone on this thread needs to read Who Cooked Adam Smith's Dinner...

(spoiler alert: he never married afaik. It was his mum. She did EVERYTHING household related so he had time to think Important Manly Thoughts)

Does it really need to be said again? If OPs contribution was costed..it would be overwhelmingly more than the value her DH brings…she is keeping him not the other way around

Buy him this.
Tell him to read and inwardly digest.

Then get a grip of himself and start doing his part. Shape up or ship out.

Who Cooked Adam Smith's Dinner? A Story About Women and Economics by Katrine Marçal | Goodreads

YANBU about nearly all of it. He sounds awful and incredibly lazy.

30 hours is pretty close to full time anyway, or not that far off.

I don’t think it takes three people to collect a dress though- he’d surely be of more use looking after the other children.

Hang on. What are you classing as full time? Because if adding 1/3 to your wages (40 hour week?) leaves a £15k gap, and he earns twice what you do, he can’t be that high an earner.

If you’re doing 30 hours over 3 days then you’re working pretty hard. That said, you have 2 days to yourself when the DCs are at school so i would expect you to bear the vast majority of the mental load in those circumstances. After all, isn’t that the justification for not working on those days?

I don’t agree that you staying at home makes his earnings possible. There are plenty of families where both parents work full time, particularly once the children are in school. You staying at home means there’s no need to pay for childcare but that’s a different point. We had au pairs once both DDs were in primary school but it was much easier then as we were still in the EU (this was a long time ago).

“Our life wouldn’t be possible if it wasn’t for his earnings”
His earnings would not be possible if you weren’t looking after and raising his children and keeping his house for him.
you make these earnings happen as much as as he does.

The mundane jobs of parenting usually sit with the mum, it’s just the way it is. Mum’s are great at getting the logistics of family life done, the correct way and on time. I use my DH skill’s for cooking a few dinners a week and ferrying the kids places.

Fuck that. No element of parenting requires specific genitalia (once conceiving, growing and giving birth and breastfeeding are done). My DH’s cock doesn’t get in the way of his making phone calls to school, buying gifts for his family or updating the family calendar with DC’s appts. My vagina doesn’t imbue me with responsibility for project managing domestic activities. Stop apologising for shitty men.

Goodness you don't like being asked to explain your opinions, do you?

I am sure that you have substantial cc /support for this to work so probably not a good comparison

Part of me feels like this too.
I am not in any way diluting the enormity of childcare and running a home inc life admin but arguably you are at home more.
Please try to take the competitiveness out of the situation. Your husband shouldn't be saying that you've only got what you have due to his earnings, that isn't fair.
Please don't let this become a big issue in your marriage that is worth saving

To those who say that mums are usually good at this stuff - thats not true. My work is very much six months one thing, six months another. During the busy periods - DH does things like opticians, dentists, birthday presents, cooking etc and you know what....it's very very easy not to know anything if you arent involved. Dc has just changed their glasses and I honestly dont know which pairs are the new or the old ones. The big difference is whether you are there planning the thing and when it happens. It's not gender, it's whether you are involved or not. It is very easy not to be engaged and to know nothing whether you are male or female. The difference is - mums usually dont get the option not to be involved and dads usually get to disengage.

If you want your Dh to be involved and to value what you do - they have to actually do this stuff. They wont value it if they dont ever do it.

He clearly has zero interest in them.
Unforgivable.
Start planning on going solo.
It may take time, but you can do it.
In the meantime, work on your self esteem.
Madness that you are doing anything for him specifically.
Stop the ridiculous wife work and stop doing anything that solely benefits him.
He sounds like a waster and increasingly your children will realise it.

Yes, I have to agree with this poster.
Going back to work full time (and presumably getting childcare) isn't an option.
Then please, don't complain.

I can be the devil's advocate but why did you guys end up with three kids when he seems to be barely interested in any of them? And why did you, if you are married to someone who isnt interested in pulling his weight or his family. I assume you knew what he was like when you had the first one. I just dont get it. We ended up with one kid - and honestly am always surprised why others end up with lots of kids and then complain that their husband isnt bothered....then why carry on having kids with such men.

The reality is that unless you go back to work full time - you cant make him realise or value what you do - because he doesnt. Even if you divorce, he wont realise it because I assume you'll be taking care of the kids and he will see them every other weekend.

Sorry this is such a frustrating situation - I can totally see how this would be absolutely maddening.

ExDP used to tell me I contributed nothing too. Note the ‘ex’. He used to go on about how I was lazy and didn’t earn enough. Yet at the same time, he refused to even pick up his belongings off the floor so I could hoover, had no involvement in childcare unless it was forced upon him, wouldn’t do anything fun with the DCs except watch TV.

He recently wrote a letter on behalf of one of the DCs (they’re young adults) and spelt their name wrong, even though it is a common name with the most common spelling (eg Martin) - and it wasn’t a typo because when we were together I was always havogn to correct this same mistake. He also mixes up their birthdays. I cannot imagine many mothers making either of these 2 mistakes.

So get an au pair. Your marriage is about to end. I am not saying this to blame you, I am warning you this won't go on for much longer . You can't change him.