AIBU to call MIL again after she disinherited all grandkids?

Scottish law prevents this sort of disinheritance @latetothefisting

um...what?

Great post @GeniusofShakespeare . Constructive and compassionate.

Your MIL is now completely isolated. Whether it's dementia, grief or just her getting older she's extremely vulnerable in all sorts of ways- physically, emotionally and financially.

I'd suggest the following-

-Your DH should go and see her in person after a day or two. Don't say anything about the inheritance. Try to rebuild the relationship and understand how she is coping with life. Involve SIL if she is willing. It is terribly sad for a family to fall apart like this and the young people with lots of support themselves are the ones who need to bite the bullet, even if they are (perfectly reasonably) hurt and angry.

• If you think she has any kind of cognitive impairment, speak to her GP. They can listen to your concerns even if they can't tell you anything in return.

Im afraid I havent read all the posts, but my thoughts are as follows. I agree with others that she doesnt have to leave the family anything.

Irrespective of whether the grand children are in or cut out of the will I think I would let things cool down for a few days and then get back in touch with her. If your husband & SiL love their mum then maybe invite her to something low key with your husband and your SiL (no children), that commorates her husband. A memorial bench or something along those lines, so the 3 of them can mourn him together. Or maybe a meal of his favourite dishes and stories about him. Id leave the Will thing out of it completely. The 3 of them need something that opens up communication between them to hopefully heal breaches but also give a chance to see if there are noticeable differences in her behaviour, speech, cognition.

Ive previously worked in bereavement counselling & I work in healthcare often with MH and Dementia patients, so Im looking at this from that viewpoint.

How old is your MiL? Has she always been prone to falling out with family & emotional outbursts?
If this is unusual behaviour, then I would definitely think the bereavement is affecting her, she may need CRUSE counselling. But it also could well be Altzheimers or dementia, and apart from the emotional loss she has suffered, the loss of having her husband in her daily routine may well be exposing dementia issues that were previously masked.

Ive seen people in early 70s develop dementia, or those who have had strokes, emotional trauma, Parkinsons etc. Its not just the very elderly who can have that problem. Infections - kidney or urinary can also cause changes in behaviour.

Whether its grief or dementia I think I would be trying to rebuild the relationship, get some advice re her emotional and physical condition and if you think there are issues then flag to her GP and Social Services MH Crisis Team (who wont probably give feedback but will look into it).

I'm going to sound like a horrible mercenary but if she's a multi millionaire I'd go and try and sort it with her, and hope she leaves her fortune between her six grandchildren. If she's worth about 10k I'd leave her to it, and not bother!!!!

My Mum used to say this all the time. ‘Right, that’s you out of my will’. For any small or perceived slight.

She never amended it and has since spent all of it.

I would pop in with something like a plant (preferably one that you could have grown, like a seedling) or some biscuits. And just chat gently about inconsequential things, talk about her husband and the past, memories, photos. Ignore the rows. Don’t ask questions, make statements (so, not ‘do you remember going to Tenby with the kids?’ but ‘when we went to Tenby that time, Dad was so lovely with the kids. I thought we’d never get him off the beach’ and see what response you get. So she can contribute if she’s able but isn’t under pressure and it doesn’t cause a breakdown if she can’t recall anything, you just keep chatting).

If she’s struggling with dementia and grief then communication by phone/email may be much harder for her - she might not really understand, even if she pretends she does, or she’d react to individual words, but it will be much more about how she’s feeling.. I’d aim just to be a familiar friendly non-stressful face at the moment.

I'd leave it. It's up to her who she leaves money to. I don't understand people who seem to expect to be left/have their kids left things. I've never talked to either parent about their will and I wouldn't dream of doing so, unless they started a conversation about it. It's their business.

Were you equally as concerned for her wellbeing when she disinherited SIL but not you? The way you've described it makes it sound as though you are more concerned about inheritance than for her health.

If you know contact details of any of her friends and/or neighbours I would have a quiet word with them and ask if they have noticed any changes in behaviour.
If they have I would flag up to her GP and ask if they could call her to a face to face appointment. They may not agree but at least you would know you have tried.
The difficulty is that the best way of noticing changes in behaviour is to spend time with the person and that is not easy right now.
Your partner as her son can act as next of kin and if he has siblings they can co-ordinate being pro-active.It would be wrong to abandon her. If she recognises changes she may be very scared and unable to admit it to herself let alone others.
Your compassion and wish to reach out is commendable.
I had a close friend who unexpectedly ended a 55 year old close friendship in 2019.I reached out to him in 2020 and we kept in touch. By 2022 we had rekindled the friendship but when I went with him to a music festival I noticed physical and personality changes and luckily he agreed to see his GP and I offered him my support. He was eventually diagnosed with a rare degenerative disease with dementia like symptoms and died 12 months later.

It’s because you’re mentioning an inheritance and it comes across as though you’re bothered your children and DH will not receive it so that’s why you want to make up

Because it avoids tax. If you’re just going to spend it on your kids anyway, they might as well leave it directly too them for uni etc

This !

Are you genuinely concerned about her welfare ior do you just want her money ?

If you’re concerned about her, call her and ask how she is. Can you help her in any way.? Take her out for a coffee.
Don’t mention the inheritance.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Just keep out of it.

No. As someone who lost their mum to dementia, I’m as sure as I can be that she had precious items stolen by carers that visited twice a day. It would never be proven though. Whilst there are many people who do wonderful care work, there are also those that exploit vulnerability. So, I hope woman makes amends with her family and the employed helpers get their wages as intended.

Despite what I’ve just said above, OP, your MILs behaviour resembles nothing like the early stages of dementia (or middle or late tbh) that I saw. Just thought I would point that out in the interests of balance. However she does sound very unhappy and wanting to lash out.

I would actually go and visit her, spend some time with her and not mention inheritance.

You last saw her at Christmas?
3 months ago?

To be fair, your first sentence is “it’s an inheritance one” and your title is about inheritance. Seems a valid thought that you
sre mainly worried about inheritance.

There are always people who will be judgemental. Good for you not getting into an argument about it and just calling it as it is.

It sounds as if your MIL was unable to deal with FIL's death and took it out on your SIL originally. She probably feels guilty about that, but even if she doesn't it obviously didn't help her grief and she's probably only lashing out at your DH because she still can't deal with the overwhelming grief. I wonder if it might be better to write to her about the falling out with her children and let her know you're worried about her welfare. Maybe don't mention disinheriting the grandchildren, although it is sad she would take it out on them and seems strange behaviour. I'm sure she's only saying it to lash out anyway. You also don't want anything that can be twisted by people she has in her house. To me that's a big worry, as you say this is out of character for her and it makes you wonder who has her ear. I hope it works out for all of you, it will be very lonely for your MIL if she continues to push everyone away.

‘MIL disinherited her grandkids’

not MIL has cut contact

says it all really, shows hows concerned you about her money

hope you dont get anything

If you're in the UK wills are posted online. You'll see it once she's passed away - not sure you can see it before then though.

I personally would ask if she needs anything and leave her to decide what to do with her money.

It reads like she needs help. If you can reach out to her, successfully, grief counseling would be in order. You will have to do this in person. Maybe there's a good friend or clergy person who can speak to her?

Could she still be grieving?
Have any of you seen her in person since her husband passed?
An older person may prefer a hand written letter, a phone and/or human presence rather than emails. Could she be frustrated over technology that makes her feel out of her depth?
How close is she to those that are helping her at home? Do you know them, ever met them? Could be coercive interactions, but maybe I watch too many crime documentaries 🤔

We had a relative who did this it went on for decades.

They die with about 15 wills ALL UNSIGNED!?!?!?!

I cant even pretend to understand the mindset

My FiL is going this way. Got divorced and says he has cut off one of the kids and grandkids from his will. My DP has basically called his bluff, says it's FiL's money and he can do what he likes, and that the DP is looking forward to seeing his DF again when he isn't ranting about one of the other kids. No idea when, if ever, FiL will be back on an even keel mentally :/