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Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

289 replies

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:22

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 24/03/2026 13:45

My DF is widowed and remarried. If I was in this situation my answer would be no. Tell him you can’t access it and don’t have a lot of ready cash.

Ohfudgeoff · 24/03/2026 13:45

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 24/03/2026 13:42

No, do you have any other concerns or questions?

Edited

I don't get this POV. You would be prioritising the new woman over your own kids.

And also if it's invested in pensions then yes, it's tied in until retirement.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/03/2026 13:44

It's not his money anymore and once you give a gift that's it you have no control over it.
" I didn't think you would be taking back the generous gift you made when mum died so unfortunately it's all invested and locked up, I can't access it without a hefty penaltey."

That should shame him enough to not ask again, I would really resent him doing this.

ICanLiveWithIt · 24/03/2026 13:44

Derbee · 24/03/2026 13:34

It would be totally unreasonable to drag her children into this.

Agree with PPs. Sorry, it’s all tied up in very long term investments and totally unable to access any of it. Took you at your word that it was inheritance from mum, and being passed on, and haven’t kept it immediately accessible for house purchases etc.

Interesting - my thought process was two fold. First, the legality of putting money in your kids names and then taking it back off them, so the money is effectively spent from the OPs perspective. It's not hers any more to give back. Second, a grandparent not wanting to deprive their own grandchildren. But I can appreciate that's a perspective that might not be universal

Doggymummar · 24/03/2026 13:44

The woman can get a bridging loan, I wouldn't give it to him

CanaryLibra · 24/03/2026 13:43

It’s not really a loan for the OP’s dad, is it?

It’s the new wife who needs the money until her old house sells.

She can ask her own kids.

BudgetBuster · 24/03/2026 13:43

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:41

He will be living in the house with HER. Would he ask for this money back if he was single?

So its for HIM

bestbefore · 24/03/2026 13:43

Say no - that money was from your mum and his estate is now tied to his new wife. Be aware you have now lost any inheritance from him unless he has made a will.

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:42

CanaryLibra · 24/03/2026 13:40

he's the one who tied it to the gift…saying 'shouldn't have given you so much earlier’

Well in that case it’s a definite no - sounds to me you risk him turning around in a few months and saying “on reflection I gave you too much, so, you’ll get this back when I’m gone”.

Absolutely this.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 24/03/2026 13:42

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:40

Really? You wouldn't mind your dad asking for a shit ton of money so he can use it for his new wife? At the detriment of your own children and finances?

No, do you have any other concerns or questions?

wfhwfh · 24/03/2026 13:42

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:38

Woman dies. Man finds new woman. New woman becomes the most important thing in his life and man shits on his children in favour of the new shiny woman.

Classic widowed man.

I wouldn't mind lending my dad money. I'd sure as hell resent him asking for money for his new bird.

This is how i would feel. A loan to your widowed dad is completely different to this scenario with a new wife in the picture

Ohfudgeoff · 24/03/2026 13:42

You've tied it up in pensions. You can't access it until you retire. Can you offer to help them find a place that is within their actual budget?

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:41

BudgetBuster · 24/03/2026 13:39

For his new bird? Do you think he won't be living in the house?

He will be living in the house with HER. Would he ask for this money back if he was single?

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:41

I should stress I do like his new wife! This isn't some kind of wicked stepmother thing. I just know there's many a slip when it comes to buying and selling property and we're at pretty much the most expensive time in our lives when it comes to the kids - one at uni, one going soon. I think it would get awkward if three months came and went and 'oops, the house isn't selling for as much as we thought" and 'oops, how could we have foreseen this?"

OP posts:
CanaryLibra · 24/03/2026 13:40

he's the one who tied it to the gift…saying 'shouldn't have given you so much earlier’

Well in that case it’s a definite no - sounds to me you risk him turning around in a few months and saying “on reflection I gave you too much, so, you’ll get this back when I’m gone”.

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:40

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 24/03/2026 13:36

Ublike others i don't actually see an issue with this request.

If my dad had given me for example 50k and subsequently asked if he could BORROW 20k then I wouldn't hesitate if I had the money. Very rarely are investments 'tied' in. It generally means you would lose some interest.

You may be more sceptical if you don't trust the return of this money but no-one else here knows that

Really? You wouldn't mind your dad asking for a shit ton of money so he can use it for his new wife? At the detriment of your own children and finances?

NanaStrikesAgain · 24/03/2026 13:39

I think I’d say “sorry dad, that money is ringfenced for the kids uni/future. If I’d known you’d want it back I’d have been saving elsewhere to cover these future costs. If you were in urgent need of the money for surgery or something we could probably find a way to help you out, but you aren’t financially struggling, you’re choosing to buy an expensive house its a lifestyle choice, and that money means a lot to me as inheritance from mum”.

BudgetBuster · 24/03/2026 13:39

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:38

Woman dies. Man finds new woman. New woman becomes the most important thing in his life and man shits on his children in favour of the new shiny woman.

Classic widowed man.

I wouldn't mind lending my dad money. I'd sure as hell resent him asking for money for his new bird.

For his new bird? Do you think he won't be living in the house?

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:38

Woman dies. Man finds new woman. New woman becomes the most important thing in his life and man shits on his children in favour of the new shiny woman.

Classic widowed man.

I wouldn't mind lending my dad money. I'd sure as hell resent him asking for money for his new bird.

BudgetBuster · 24/03/2026 13:38

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 24/03/2026 13:36

Ublike others i don't actually see an issue with this request.

If my dad had given me for example 50k and subsequently asked if he could BORROW 20k then I wouldn't hesitate if I had the money. Very rarely are investments 'tied' in. It generally means you would lose some interest.

You may be more sceptical if you don't trust the return of this money but no-one else here knows that

I 100% agree. I think he's just asking to borrow short term because he knows she has it and won't need it imminently.

But because the repayment will be coming from the sale of the wife's property, I'd probably draw up a contract with her.

FeliciaFancybottom · 24/03/2026 13:37

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:36

he's the one who tied it to the gift @FeliciaFancybottom - saying 'shouldn't have given you so much earlier' basically. I wouldn't actually have minded as much if he'd just asked for some cash

Oh, that changes my feelings then. Sorry he's being an arse.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 24/03/2026 13:36

Ublike others i don't actually see an issue with this request.

If my dad had given me for example 50k and subsequently asked if he could BORROW 20k then I wouldn't hesitate if I had the money. Very rarely are investments 'tied' in. It generally means you would lose some interest.

You may be more sceptical if you don't trust the return of this money but no-one else here knows that

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:36

he's the one who tied it to the gift @FeliciaFancybottom - saying 'shouldn't have given you so much earlier' basically. I wouldn't actually have minded as much if he'd just asked for some cash

OP posts:
didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 24/03/2026 13:36

Tell him you spent it all on Pokémon cards.

BudgetBuster · 24/03/2026 13:35

I don't think he's wanted control of the money. I think he probably just thinks you have easy access and won't need it in the short term so wouldn't mind helping him.

I would probably tell him that it's tied up in investments in your children's names so isn't easy to access and that even if you were able to access it, there would be penalties so it's probably cheaper for him and his wife to get a bridging loan.