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Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

289 replies

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:22

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

OP posts:
exexpat · 24/03/2026 14:00

This kind of situation is what bridging finance is for. He and his new wife take the risk and pay the extra costs for securing the house they want, rather than you taking the hit.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/bridge-loans/

user704750 · 24/03/2026 14:00

Id tell him you put it into your pension and so now you cant access it until retirement

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 24/03/2026 14:00

Just say sorry but no. Say it's tied up in investments - which is true. Offer to lend only what you are willing to say goodbye to and can afford - say £10k. Maybe your brother can lend the whole lot or the lions share.

Catcatcatcatcat · 24/03/2026 13:59

Nope

Picklelily99 · 24/03/2026 13:59

"Unfortunately, I don't have that money available". *i'd initially put 'sorry' but that could imply you'd help if there was a way. Keep it brief, then stop talking - let him fill the empty air.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 24/03/2026 13:59

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:51

I should of course say, in case it isn't clear, that it was my dad who very generously made the gift. All my mum's money went to him. He very kindly chose to give some to both of his kids (my db is quite happy to lend the money back, but he is very wealthy).

So though he did say he saw it as giving money to us from our Mum - in the eyes of the law, it's his gift. He didn't have to give it. I am grateful he did as it has made our lives more pleasant and means my Dses are better set up for uni.

If your DB is wealthy could he possibly lend the entire amount?

SummerInSun · 24/03/2026 13:59

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:56

@WallaceinAnderland it's the 'perfect home' and they don't want to lose it.

So go to a bank and borrow the money. They have assets to borrow against and if is REALLY only 3 months the interest won’t be much.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 24/03/2026 13:58

Just tell him it’s all tied up and you can’t access it. Your mum wanted you to have the money, he’s abusing that trust. He will just have to make do and wait till the wife sells her house.

SummerInSun · 24/03/2026 13:57

HelloR2d2 · 24/03/2026 13:38

Woman dies. Man finds new woman. New woman becomes the most important thing in his life and man shits on his children in favour of the new shiny woman.

Classic widowed man.

I wouldn't mind lending my dad money. I'd sure as hell resent him asking for money for his new bird.

This too!!!!

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:56

@WallaceinAnderland it's the 'perfect home' and they don't want to lose it.

OP posts:
BarbiesDreamHome · 24/03/2026 13:55

You say it all went to him. How very sad she didn't plan ahead because the way its going, your dad will possibly also default to the law and so your "mums half" will very likely go to the new wife, which I doubt she would have wanted. And your dad has been disappointing woth money if he has committed to a purchase he can't afford so I wouldn't expect better.

I'd simply control your own action amd let nature take its course re your relationship "sorry dad, it's all invested into pension and I can't access it."

Simple, straight to the point.

WallaceinAnderland · 24/03/2026 13:55

he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months

Why can't he just wait 3 months until his wife's house sells?

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:54

Less than £100,000 - more than £20,000

OP posts:
Mirandadapanda · 24/03/2026 13:53

How much has he asked for?

Newusername0 · 24/03/2026 13:52

I’d be upfront about what it means for you. The original gift was invested long term and is inaccessible. You do have some personal savings and investments that have been significantly impacted by the current market situation, but even if you did scrape those together it would come at a significant cost to you.

I might have asked for short term support from
DC if I thought the money was just sitting in an account. But In those circumstances I wouldn’t expect my DC to help.

Littlemisscapable · 24/03/2026 13:51

Ohfudgeoff · 24/03/2026 13:42

You've tied it up in pensions. You can't access it until you retire. Can you offer to help them find a place that is within their actual budget?

This..dont give the money back but offer to help.

cashquestions · 24/03/2026 13:51

I should of course say, in case it isn't clear, that it was my dad who very generously made the gift. All my mum's money went to him. He very kindly chose to give some to both of his kids (my db is quite happy to lend the money back, but he is very wealthy).

So though he did say he saw it as giving money to us from our Mum - in the eyes of the law, it's his gift. He didn't have to give it. I am grateful he did as it has made our lives more pleasant and means my Dses are better set up for uni.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 24/03/2026 13:50

No you can't give any of it back. If you withdraw from your pension you will have to pay tax so in effect you will end up with less even if he did pay it back.

There is a high likelihood that he will never pay it back to you so unless you get it drawn up legally and are prepared to go through legal process to recover it, then absolutely do not give him any money.

Just say that it's tied up, you can't access it.

If he thinks he would pay you back when her house sells, they can just wait for her house to sell and there is no need to borrow from anyone.

Meadowfinch · 24/03/2026 13:49

Tell himno, sorry but it's tied up in a long term govt bond and you don't have access to that sort of money in the timescales he wants.

Newgirls · 24/03/2026 13:49

To avoid conflict I’d say ‘sorry dad it would be an inheritance tax nightmare and is now invested.’

and move on. He’s got a real nerve asking you and sadly yes this chimes with what others are saying - he is putting his new partners desires first and thinks he can manage you more easily

Ponderingwindow · 24/03/2026 13:48

The money is legitimately tied up. You should not take a loss for a non-essential family loan.

That he wants money he gave you after your mother’s death to buy a home with his new partner is just insensitive. It’s ok he is moving on. He should still be mindful of the fact that it is complicated for adult children. We tend to mourn differently than our senior parents, which is entirely understandable, but still makes this issue complex.

Springflowers2 · 24/03/2026 13:48

You need to say you can't get access to it or any other money as it's all tied up

LVhandbagsatdawn · 24/03/2026 13:47

"I'm sorry dad but I invested the money for the children and it's all tied up - I can't access it. Why don't you see about a bridging loan instead if you can't delay completion?"

Vaxtable · 24/03/2026 13:46

I would just tell him it’s tied up and you cant access it

he can take out a bridging loan and repay when her house is sold, or do what everyone else does and slay completion until her house is sold

Generallychill · 24/03/2026 13:45

Just tell him it's all tied up and I wouldn't even say its tied up for a few months in case it comes up again in a few months.
Honestly I'd probably be paranoid and worry i wouldn't get it back, as im sure if things dont work out short term like they'd planned and the house isnt selling, you would not feel comfortable asking for the money back.

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