Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

I’m so sorry. He’s a cheat and a liar and emotionally immature. He is lazy and home and has you running around as his little maid. See him for who he is, and not who you so desperately want him to be- the facade of the last few years has/is falling and you need a clear reassessment. He’s pathetic. You are not. Don’t chain yourself to pathetic.

What a horrible thing to find out.
Self harm threats or worse are abhorrent and a well known tactics so they can continue with the “woe is me.”
Go home and tell family and friends. You need the support and it’s not your shame. Sending positive vibes and strength.

Don’t let him manipulate you now with his panic attacks and vomiting. I’d personally fly home and leave him to do what he wants. It would be over. Sorry you’re going through this, so far away from home.

Surprised you haven't left him sooner op. You sound too switched on to be partnered with a muppet

I cant believe he wouldnt get tested as part of ivf process

I’d have a holiday too.

Wow. I wrote “I genuinely believe it was a one off” ie he wouldn’t have another affair. That he wouldn’t betray me again - and hasn’t since. My husband had a full blown affair with a work colleague. I would never ever compare the fall out of one affair to another. It’s way too complex. But I wouldn’t have commented (and triggered myself in doing so) if the situation hadn’t resonated with me enough to do it, if I didn’t see myself in the OP’s position.
I knew it would be an unpopular opinion - but some people do manage to work through it and I just wanted to share a different perspective. But it’s fine, you’re entitled to your opinion on what you think my experience is.

I’m so sorry he’s done this, OP. Please don’t speak to the OW - nothing good could come of it. You’ve had some very good advice here and I agree it’s best to get away, get angry and file for divorce. Please don’t allow the man-child to try to manipulate you. I went through a similar experience early in my marriage and he begged me to take him back. I did. 20 years later he left our family for a 30-year old. The cheating narcissists all use the same playbook. Life is great on the outside of a marriage like this. You are strong and I wish you all the best. Also, please take a look at Chumplady.com xx

OP you need to take care of yourself and get support - he's not on your side in all this. In your position I would tell him you are moving to a different hotel to get some space to think, but in reality get yourself home, locate all the paperwork you will need for lawyers, get recommendations of a really good divorce solicitor and make an appointment, tell your friends and family and work out a short term plan of what YOU want to happen - not what he does. Then you are better prepared when he comes back.

OP just to add - it's not 'usual' for so many strangers on MN to say "you sound like a strong and calm woman who has the resilience and reserves to get yourself out of this mess which is not of your making."

You need to take them (us) all seriously as this is a statistical anomaly innit?

At the very least you might come out of this thinking 'lots of people believe I am unusually competent/resilient/calm/strong'. with that knowledge, you may go on to do amazing things - or just to live a happy, satisfying, calm life. That might be with a long term partner who is like you - but if not, you'll not only survive but be liberated : there are maaany upsides to a fully individual life.

Wishing you the good future you deserve.

100%. Also a good way to inform his parents:

”Your son has told me he’s very unwell. Letting you know as I can’t look after him. Our relationship is now over, due to his 18 month affair.”

Agree with @Anyahyacinth that hotels (especially high end ones, which I assume this is given OP’s income) should be helpful in supporting. Especially if OP speaks to an older woman, who’ll (sadly) know from experience how often this can happen.

Good post!
I have heard most if not all of those excuses before. I've also had the threats of suicide. He didn't carry it through either, funnily enough.

So sorry this had happened to you. Who cares what he wants? What matters is you. I'd be inclined to tell her she is welcome to him and ltb. Bet that will totally freak him? Wishing you well.

OP, can I just clarify? Did you really "tuck him in" bed?

I am so sorry about your situation. Hope you can find a path back to happiness whatever happens to your marriage.

It sounds an absolutely awful situation, OP - and so far from home. Can you at least move to another hotel room, until you can get an earlier flight home? I think I'd be looking to get back on an earlier flight, and start putting affairs in order. I'm assuming it's over between you.

One dumb comment after another. What's happened to this place?!

He says he loves me but then allegedly he’s infatuated with her… but doesn’t want to break up.

Well, that's not his decision to make is it? And its all very well to say he loves you - the important thing is are you happy with what his form of 'loving you' entails? Messaging the OW and telling her he'd rather be on holiday with her, FFS. What matters now is what YOU want.

It sounds as if this has ripped the scales from your eyes anyway. 3 years into marriage and you are already fed up that you do 'everything' and putting up with what you recognise as his 'shortcomings'.

This must be absolute hell for you OP - sending strength as you get through the next few days.

You are so lucky that you live in an age when mumsnet and other advices are available to you.

Years ago people didn’t have half this information. He is going to turn this around and act like a victim PROTECT YOURSELF.

You are vulnerable and clearly have invested your all into this relationship. He hasn’t. One person can’t make a relationship no matter how hard they work. You can’t do it.

You do not need to make any decisions today or this week or this year. Just observe his baby behaviour when he has done something wrong. This is him and if you decide to continue your life with him, you will be his mammy.

I agree that threats to self harm should be told to his parents and hotel staff too so they can involve the local police.

Don't be manipulated more than you already are.

Please go home OP. Do you have kids? If he chose to stay then at least you have time at home or on the journey to research your next steps. Please seek legal advice and don’t roll over and accept this! You deserve so much better. What a twat.

@Gobsmacked39

You need to get away from him right now whilst this is new and you are vulnerable and emotional. If you can't bear the thought of flying home, please get a room to yourself and don't tell him the room number. You need the privacy and breathing room. Also if you think it would help, can you tell someone IRL? I understand that it's so new you may not be ready to do that.

Trust me, he is not going to kill himself or anything like it. People who cheat value themselves too highly to do that. He's using it as a threat to keep you where you are.

And remember: He is not sorry he is cheating. He is sorry he got caught.

No advice for you really other than to say I am so sorry you are going through this. If you can freeze your eggs ss when you do find the real Mr Right you will still be able to go through IVF with him. Good luck to you.

He wouldn’t get his sperm checked while allowing you to go through ivf?! And he is a chest and a liar? Can you even be certain he hadn’t had a vasectomy in the past?

Please, please don't fall for:

• it was a slow breakdown/mental health crisis, I will have therapy
• this wasn't the Real Me, I don't know what I was thinking, I look back and it seems like a different person, I don't even like her
• It's my low self-esteem - i fundamentally don't believe I'm worthy of you so I was destroying the relationship because I believe you'll eventually leave me anyway
• I was struggling with the responsibility of becoming a father but now I've realised what I'm losing it's brought me to my senses and that's what i want more than anything in the world

i'm sure there are others that many MNers would be able to predict based on their own experiences.

But please please continue to be the strong and boundaried woman who believes in herself and her ability to make her own happiness. You are worth so, SO much more than this snivelling piece of shit.

I was thinking exactly the same about the slappable jerk. Does the most brilliant skits about cheating partners. Including having a panic attack / tantrum and throwing himself on the floor when caught out.