Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

She's not going to fly to be with him and leave her husband and kids at home

Your update was all about them. Which I do understand that is of interest - the whys/hows/whos etc

But you have to re-focus and concentrate on YOU. They won't - they will be LOVING the attention you are giving them if they are narcissists. So please, stop feeding the beasts.

You are the priority, your needs, your wants now. Keep your views and plans to yourself (and us 😃) but TELL THEM NOTHING

Well, it doesn’t really matter what he thinks, others think, or what she thinks. Just do what you want to do, whatever it is, and blank out the rest of the noise. 👍

I have heard some pathetic excuses for having extra marital affairs in my time but your description of the reason in your last post OP is just BS. Please don't buy it....why are you not on a plane coming home with your dignity intact?

I knew that's all she wanted. Basically to try and make herself feel better and pressure you into not telling. Selfish woman.

But she is not important in all of this. Fuck her.

For now - just minute by minute for you. Whatever feels most tolerable to YOU and nobody else.

Sorry OP, that’s a wretched situation.

One thing I did notice was you seem to have a pattern of analysing him and his motivations, finding drives and reasons for why he does things. But even if you had a complete understanding of every excuse he trots out, it still wouldn’t change what he has chosen to do.

I would contact her again by text to say he is having suicidal thoughts and perhaps she needs to come to help him through it, that takes that monkey off your shoulder and puts it firmly on hers.
I would also tell her why he is having these thoughts - he is 'suicidal' at the thought of losing you. It would be interesting to see where exactly she thinks that leaves her.
You will have plenty of time in the future to ruminate over all the why's and wherefore's, OP, for now you need to put yourself first and foremost and, sadly, because any betrayal is sad and this is worse than many, get yourself home as soon as possible and get on with the rest of your life without the him you now know him to be. You will only miss the him you thought he was, not the weak and pathetic shit he turned out to be.
Have a good life, from your posts it is obvious you are a moral and strong person, you deserve the very best and everyone here is totally behind you.
Do let us know if you decide to fly home early and the time of your flight, even 14 hours away I reckon you will be able to hear the cheers from us all as the plane lifts off.

@Gobsmacked39
Just wanted to send a hug over MN. What a shit he's been. x

Have you reached a decision on what to do for the immediate future ?

I disagree. Analysing them, when it's so fresh, is completely understandable and a necessary step to get you to where you want to be @Gobsmacked39

I'm not sure why any of that matters. He cheated over a sustained period of time. Wasn't all in for the IVF and is emotionally pathetic.
Surely its about what YOU need ..analysing them is pointless

While this must be awful and a total shock better you find out what he’s like now rather than when you have kids. Imagine being tied to that arsehole for 18 years. Divorce him and move on. All the stuff about not pulling his weight at home, refusing medical checks so letting you carry the responsibility for getting pregnant. Fuck that. You’ve dodged a bullet. Get rid of the dead weight. You deserve better.

You seem quite fixated on her age. Has she been saying it’s her ‘last chance to feel sexy’ or is that your interpretation?

Their relationship isn’t your problem. I would go home and get legal advice.

I would definitely tell her DH at some point.

They've been living in a childish fantasy world that's now crashing down. I doubt their 'love' will survive the new, messy, difficult reality.

I believe her husband has a right to know. It's been going on so long. They can dress it up with all the fairytales they want, but in the cold light of day it's a pathetic cry-baby and a daft bint who's old enough to know better, shagging and tee-heeing about how clever and special they are. She's taken her husband for a fool, as your husband has taken you for a fool.

I take it the whiny-assed lil bitch is still alive, by the way? So he wasn't that hellbent on offing himself? What a surprise. Manipulative little twat.

BTW one of the best things I've heard on Mumsnet applies here: he wasn't sorry when you didn't know.

You're making excuses for him here in my view. Lots of people don't have the life they want. They don't carry on like him.

Her age has nothing to do with this in my view. She's 43 - yes? Women can and should feel sexy at any age without having to resort to jumping into bed with a younger man.

They are cheats. It doesn't matter what her reason is or his reason is. You have every right to tell her husband - and remove yourself from this awful situation

You need to look up the definition of abuse. Then self reflect on calling someone 'gullible' when at their lowest point. 😔

@Gobsmacked39

I admire your strength so much.

You seem to have a really good read on the pair of them and that will help you avoid being gaslit etc.

While you have unpicked them quite thoroughly, have you had a chance to think about what you would like to do, and what next steps you would like to take for yourself?

Are you staying at the holiday location or made plans to go home?

Have you told any of your friends and family for support.

Apologies if I have missed a post where you have answered this already.

Leave them both to it @Gobsmacked39 Make your own life without this weak man and stupid OW.

Once you are sure he won't 'kill himself' as he claims........ Go home

OP is not responsible for making sure he doesn't kill himself. Narcissists often use the threat of suicide to manipulate, but almost never see it through. If he thinks OP has taken responsibility for making sure he won't "kill himself" he will continue to pretend he is going to do it.

He dug this hole for himself and in the unlikely event he can't live with it and sees killing himself as the only way out, that's his decision to make. OP is not responsible for making sure he doesn't do it to her own detriment.

Do what's best for you OP and fuck him. Let his girlfriend go and rescue him if she wants to.

I woke up today (different time zone) Op thinking about you. Not sure if you are still engaged with this thread. Hope you are safe and coping.
I was thinking about the ow (having previously posted your husband is a liar and the marriage is irredeemable) and IMO she is very careless and reckless. Married with children having a protracted affair with a junior co worker and as she wants to speak with you (of course she wants her say) and she reveals she is careless with contraception and had a termination in November. That’s quite a lifestyle there. She’s also quite the liar and manipulator.

keep her at a distance as
she doesn’t have anyone’s best intentions at the front but hers .

While he's feeling guilty, take him for what you can.

How are you @Gobsmacked39 ?