Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

you'll find a lot of empaths are emotionally abused women, because of their abundance kindness, they don't see that someone could or would be that cruel or manipulative, as its not within their nature. sadly it it takes something like this, to wake them up to the emotional abuse and for them to get out.

You cant spend two weeks there. You could convince yourself it’s just a holiday with someone you know, rather than a cheating husband, you could reframe/ minimise his actions in your head, you could feel sorry for him and focus on him being better, you could ‘talk it out’… but you shouldn’t! You must come home and start your new life without him in about 14hrs.
This is harming you and it needs to stop.

1. get the next flight home
2. speak to everyone and tell them her name. It’s not your job to keep anybody’s dirty secrets.
3. speak to a solicitor and sort out living arrangements

You've got this.
He's not your family and no child wants to be born to a dad like that.

@Gobsmacked39 hope you're OK 🙏🏼

That's completely different than the men who threaten suicide if a woman leaves them and instantly go back to being happy and delighted with life once they get their own way.

I'm thinking the OP is not ready to give up this relationship.

I would imagine many a red flag was ignored due to TTC by IVF.

If you are that stage of trying for a baby, you can convince yourself of anything.

18 months of cheating doesn't come without any suspicious behaviour, but there are non so blind than those who do not want to see.

And if you read my post I didn't say that. I said that men who threaten suicide don't mean it.

It's not a threat, I agree it's ideation. I'm merely making the point that saying that people who talk about it don't try is incorrect. I would not want a person to be dismissed as attention seeking when they aren't.
Edited to say, I'm not commenting further as I have experience of a family member attempting suicide and nearly succeeding, so it's a distressing subject for me.

But that's not a threat. That's ideation.

Men who say if you keep talking about this, I'll kill myself, or if you don't love me I'll kill myself, or I know I've behaved badly so I'm going to kill myself, do not kill themselves.

That isn't strictly true, many men who kill themselves do say things such as ' I don't want to be alive anymore' or ' I wish I was dead' or ' I've nothing to live for'. They are often dismissed as attention seeking or being over dramatic.

IME men who threatens suicide don't kill themselves. It's emotional blackmail.

Men who actually kill themselves don't tell anyone.

I couldn’t agree more @ArtAngel 👏🏻

You are not an ‘empath’, you are an emotionally abused woman!

Get yourself on a plane and get home and away from him.

What he choses to do is his choice be that follow you or kill himself - though I think that is more likely an attempt at manipulation than reality. But if that is what he choses to do - so be it. His choice not yours.

tell your parents, tell his parents. His parents can ‘support him’ which can offset any feelings of responsibility that you have towards him and all his threats of hurting himself.

your parents can hopefully support you.

tell your friends - get support. You’ve done nothing wrong. You do not need to keep his secret - reach out to every avenue that you can.

get yourself to a divorce lawyer asap - get things sorted out.

I would tell her husband - not out of spite - but because he has a right to know - if he is ignorant to all this like you were - you know how he will be feeling. Calmly, gently but factually tell him - he deserves to know so he can make choices.

it is the shock of your life - but you need to protect yourself both mentally and financially.

it is his shame - it is not your shame.

you owe nothing to this man and his bit on the side

you owe everything to yourself to survive this and move forward .

don’t engage with him or her any further - everything through solicitors- you do not need any more of his lies or attempts to win your pity. Emotionally he deserves absolutely nothing from you.

so sorry this has happened to you.

don’t allow him to do anything more - protect yourself both mentally and your oneards life and assets.

cheating scum like him add nothing to your life.

It hurts like crazy now - but you will survive this and are better off without such deception in your life.

OP, I was in a long relationship with someone who was wildly exciting, we created projects together etc etc. But he was v damaged by significant childhood history. I had the idea that I could help him. That our relationship would be enough. That my care, and mitigation of his ‘shortcomings ‘ would make it all OK

Guess what?

After I ‘understood’ so many transgressions, ‘listened to’ his explanations and wailing etc etc he NEVER changed. My support was enabling him not to take responsibility for genuine self reflection and change. He then committed an act that not only broke me emotionally but embarrassed me socially and professionally.

Don’t get trapped in this cycle.

You are not an ‘empath’, you are an emotionally abused woman

Can't believe also that you've been going through IVF and he wouldn't even have any of the initial tests?! WTF?! Did his refusal not give you pause as to what sort of partner he is, and what sort of parent he would make?

I think finding out about his affair is a sign from the universe TBH to set you free from him.

What a knob.

OP you are financially independent, already do everything around the house, have a good head on your shoulders. Cut this cheating man child loose!
You deserve so much more than this.

When one gets their heart shredded by someone like him it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of feeling you weren’t enough or foolish for being reeled in but the reality is he is the one who isn’t authentic or real. He is the one who isn’t enough for you, he’s the one who has no heart and you my lovely are a Queen x

I really feel for you, holed up with him far away from home trying to make sense of everything you’ve discovered. He must feel like a stranger, someone you thought you knew but it was just an act.
To have gone through IVF thinking he was onboard even though he refused to get tested. Brushing away the niggle that you were more invested in having his child as his words didn’t match his actions as had he really wanted a child he would have made sure it his sperm was healthy.
He goes through life playing different characters pretending to be someone whose core values and integrity align with you.
He is just a mirage, telling you what he thinks you need or want, mirroring himself on you so he appears pretty perfect for you.
Behind the smile and charm is someone who only loves himself who will take and betray all those unfortunate enough to believe in him. He’s a master manipulator who is incapable of loving anyone but himself and right now he is panicking as he is cornered, he doesn’t like being found out until after he moves on to someone else to get another step up to achieve his goals.

OP, I know it is raw at the moment. But when you have been able to process this there may be an opportunity for you to take step back and consider why you so often comment about people's financial standing - specifically being financially stable - and also referenced your husband's affair partner as highly educated.

These are not yardsticks by which to judge people's worth, character, or moral code. They may be of interest to an employer, but it's not who they as individuals.

This horrible experience has perhaps demonstrated to you that being highly educated and of sound financial standing does not a moral person make.

So, he’s made himself the victim?

This⬆️

hello @gobsmacked39 just checking in on how your doing, have you cut holes in his clothes yet. joking aside i was concerned about how you are doing, catching up and reading your further other posts and being a empath myself, psychically intuitive. I feel you have felt very alone for a long while going through the ivf and that you've chalked his distant behavior down to the stress of the infertility issues rather than it being down to an affair. I have asked my pendulum and rest easy, you will tell the husband of the woman, as he is also a innocent party and deserves to know. you are going to leave your husband, you are going to met someonelse and have a little boy. the fertility issues are your husbands.

@Gobsmacked39 Im so sorry. He is an AH.

When you're over the shock, you'll realise losing luggage was a blessing in disguise - no kids, no prob getting shut of the AH.

Big hugs x

There are times when affairs are abuse usually when women have children or are ill. They do use affairs as ‘pay back’ for things they have no control over. Wonder why no research ever been done on this subject.

OP how are you doing?

Because the OP is trying to justify the affair from her husband's point of view because the other woman is older and wanted to be "sexy" and have one last sexy fling with a younger man

As in - the older woman is washed up and needed to have a fling with a younger man. Which is ridiculous in my view. If he's shagging a 43 year old he could be shagging a 23 year old. Her age has nothing to do with this.

And he's apparently envious of the life that the other woman has - no. He's just a rotten cheat