Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

I would either go home or get a room at another hotel, block him and try to get your head round his betrayal without his theatrics. He is making it all about him with his panic attacks and needing you to mummy him. It will soon turn to anger once he realises you have seen through him.
The OW is unimportant, she will be panicking and will in conjunction with your husband try to make out their affair was because he felt neglected or some other shit whilst you were going through IVF to manipulate you to think it was your fault.
You are the one who is devastated from his betrayal, his actions and words are meaningless now and you need time to get your head round that your marriage is over. Reach out to your parents/ friends and get emotional support because you need TLC. Don’t let his betrayal make you feel you need to take on his shame and feel embarrassed in any way. You got this Queen x

Please don't sit & thrash this out, ad nauseam, with him. Every other word will be a lie, a deflection & self serving.
He doesnt want a monogamous marriage, he doesn't love you, he loves the thrill of being wanted by 2 different admirers, it doesn't really matter why.
The whole IVF slog makes it so much worse, he allowed you to take body changing medication to create a new human being while simultaneously screwing another woman.
There is no talking or explaining that can undo this.
Remove yourself immediately, to another hotel, or try & get home.
Don't listen to his self serving whining.
If he needs support he needs to be told you sre not his free therapist
I would eventually tell her husband
I would tell his family
I would tell him to find alternative accommodation until your house is sold.
I would instruct a solicitor for a divorce asap
edited to add, you need to urgently look at all finances, spending & safeguard your assets

The OP wrote:

This was the typical I’m 43 and need to feel sexy again whilst my just as doesn’t notice be anymore and I take care of my kids, it’s his fault and his fault only for betraying me

It is probably too early for me, as I read this as OP referring to herself. Triple checking and she might be speaking about the OW. Understandable it isn't clear given the shock she has had.

FGS dont talk to the OW!! I cannot see how that’s going to help in any way. It will just be more lies and manipulation like your worm of a husband. Also she is probably now really worried you are going to tell her DH. I totally would - he deserves to know.

If he can cheat on you about love, and your entire relationship I would think he is capable of cheating about money and assets.
What bank accounts does he have, do you own a house together?
Get angry and check soonest, before he and OW or his parents try and hide money.

Great advice - I would just add to get a free 30 minutes booked in with a good divorce lawyer for your return x

You seem overly fixated on finances, OP - as if being financially secure means a man won’t stray. They will always find someone who they find prettier and more exciting - it’s wrong, but that’s just life.

I really feel for you - if you are intending to remain on holiday and DH is sulking in the room, then great. Do what you can to enjoy yourself - chill by the pool with a book, some nice walks, lovely food which is to your own preference.

I would be tempted to chat up any hunky singletons in the vicinity too - have a little holiday romance to take your mind off things. Why should be the only one to have some filth on the side, you now have an opportunity to do it guilt free.

Be kind to yourself x

Bloody hell what a piece of shit he is 💩

You said you took screenshot of the act?
Did you send any evidence from his phone to yours? 🤔

I wouldn't do anything rash (like cut up clothes or revenge tactics). But I would do the following:

1. Try and process what is going on, and do not make any rash decisions and try to keep a clear head, as your have had a big shock. 😔
2. Get some space (whether another hotel room, a different hotel or a flight home). ✈️
3. Get organised In terms of evidence, and bank it for later, including knowing the OWs name and her husband's name for in future. 👍
4. Get organised with financial paperwork in regards to your home, marriage, pension, (as another PP kindly recommended). 🖊
5. I wouldn't give any assurances to the OW, a PP gave some good advice, and said I'm still raw etc, which is a good response. Fuck her. 🖕
6. Get yourself organised and look after yourself first and foremost, including with a sexual health screen check, as he could be passing anything on to you 🤢
7. You say you don't want to stoop to a certain level? I disagree. Her poor husband has EVERY right to know. Put yourself in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know? You wouldn't be blowing up their lives. THEY have done that to themselves. Pair of shits 💩

Edited to add: please look after yourself OP. I'm sorry this happened. But at least it happened now, before you had kids to this scumbag and you have seen his true colours before it was too late. 🫂
@Gobsmacked39

Is one of them a doctor?

Don’t speak to her op
she’ll just be bricking it you’ll tell her husband
what can she possibly say? You’re seen the proof

Hmmmm 🤔 Seems legit.

@Gobsmacked39 she’s in damage limitation mode and wants to make sure her life remains unaffected.

You don’t owe her a conversation.How would this benefit you in any way?

Men like this always need a mummy, don't they?
Here he is not cheating with a younger child-free dolly bird (not saying this would be right but it's what most grown up men would choose if they were inclined to cheat) but an actual mother-of-two.

I suspect that as she has two kids already, she'll be able to tuck him in.

Manchild clearly.
OP sounds successful and sensible but obviously has a thing for menchildren.

I'd have such the ick for a man who didn't at least own his infidelity like a man, leaving him would not be an issue emotionally just practically.

OP please do something to change the fact that you need to mother these fucking muppets.
Adopting the foetal position, ugh!!!

He definitely is not worth wasting the rest of your life on. He sounds selfish and shallow . And really a lot more capable then he probably wants you to think. He managed to keep an 18 month affair secret. So all the time you have been doing everything for him . He has been making the effort to do stuff for another woman. He is just taking you for granted . If not her it will be someone else.
And all at the same time as Ivf. He should be so ashamed of himself.
I bet part of why he had some sort of panic attack is he does not want friends and family knowing how awful he is.

A panic attack!? How fucking dare he! He’s torpedoed your life!!!

Hi OP, I discovered my then partner was cheating me also while I was on holiday. We were away on a smallish island and there were only two flights a week so we were stuck there for 4 days while we waited to go home. He was (apparently) beside himself at what he’d done but looking back now, he was really only sorry he’d been caught.

The first thing I did was check myself into hotel room. I needed space away from his crying and that last few days on my own massively helped. I was able to think clearly, went for a couple of beachfront walks and without all the ‘noise’ of him, knew I absolutely could not continue in a relationship where the betrayal ran so deep. Had it been a moment of madness, I would have considered therapy to see if we could work our way through it but like you, this was 2 years of lies, manipulation and living a double life. There was no coming back from that and the clear space away from him helped me to see it.

I would get myself on the next flight home. Don’t let this manchild manipulate you.

Don't enable him

End the relationship by going home right now

See a solicitor ASAP

Get counselling for your emotional pain

No more IVF

Honestly what is it with these fucking men who blow their lives up then act like the victims. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Ooohh blow her up too. I’m all for a good public shaming of cheaters - both of them.

OP doesn't mention having DC
She has said the OW has 2 DC.

Meet someone who doesn't have children. Leave him. You'll only be thankful you did later on. Better to be single again and hold your head up high.

You need to grow a spine.

Fuck his "panic attack".
Fuck the IVF
Fuck him (not literally)
Fuck his OW

Your attitude seems very prim and rigid in that you seem unable to comprehend that both men and women cheat and, crucially, it's not always about sex.

No matter anyway because making cheating an actual reason to put somebody in jail is so unworkable that it ain't ever going to happen.

So that poor cow down the road who - unwisely, I agree- has cheated with a single man (who is not much better but at least doesn't hit her) has nothing to fear from you or the rest of The Morality Police.

Op you mention drinks…please
be very careful. You are in a foreign country with an unfaithful liar who has been caught. Now the OW wants to talk with you. This is all too isolating. You need a clear alcohol free head.

Please follow others good advice and get your stuff and get home. I left Canada first class once after having a similar experience and I just went right to the airport told the agent and she put me on a flight. People recognize stress and trauma.

you can’t reconcile with someone who has lied to you for half your marriage. This is not to be talked thru or counseled thru.

very shady he would not engahe in fertility testing. I’m shocked the fertility specialist allowed it. Is he hiding something from you?