Just found out my husband of 3 years has been cheating for the past 18 months

Aaa, the old switcheroo "i am in the wrong let me harbour sympathies quickly with a fake medical episode / injury"

My step dad used to clutch his chest and act like his "bad heart" was playing up everytime my mum found out something he did.
If she ignored it, she was the bad one she didn't care, nasty ect and he focused on that rather than what he had done.
If she tended to him, he got what he wanted the attention away from what he did. Master of manipulation.
She always forgave. She never left. He ended her life in 2022.
They never change. They just get smarter and hide it better. Do not let him gaslight you or make this your fault. Sending you the love & strength to do what you need to do 💐

"Panic attack". Tell him to pull the other one. Laugh in his face and if he keeps up the act go and tell reception there is a suicidal man in room # whatever and see him drop it fast.

Get away from him as soon as possible and start planning your exit. Grey rock. You owe him nothing and he is now an opponent.

what an awful shock for you, worse as say from home.
I’d let him have his panic attacks to his hearts content.
you sound impressive frankly. Can you change rooms, leave him to it and end things once you get home ? Let them be together, imagine she will back off sharpish.

FFS this is the stupidest and cringiest “advice” I’ve read on this site 🙄

WE ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN OUR BODIES!

OP: Just concentrate on trying to process this nightmare. Get away from him. Make him book himself another room if any available, failing that make him book himself a separate hotel.

How long is left of this trip?

So sorry this is happening to you - but please don’t allow his histrionics to distract you. He us a selfish, lying, immature and vile human being who has utterly betrayed you and is probably afraid of the consequences of his actions - divorce, splitting assets, everyone finding out he is a a selfish liar. I suspect his parents never made him face consequences, so this will be a novel experience.

I would absolutely pack my bags and leave. Either to find another room at another hotel while you regroup or - and tbh this is what I would do - to fly home early and start sorting my life out (and see a divorce specialist).

It is cruel and unreasonable to expect you to carry on where you are staying as if nothing has happened. I’d block him on everything and tell him to communicate via your solicitor going forward.

I would tell OWs husband. He'll need to get checked out for STIs if nothing else.
So sorry you're going through this. What a prick. I hope you have the strength to leave. You're sounding really switched on.

OP - that’s appalling. Of course, you are devastated.

As a PP said, maybe after 20 years at the coalface of work, bill-paying and perhaps children, you could understand a fleeting escapist dalliance with someone else. But this has happened out the outset of your marriage and while you are trying for children and incredibly vulnerable.

Don’t let him parentify you. It’s not your job to protect him from the consequences of what he has done. You are the injured party here. Please look after yourself. Get yourself home. Speak to people you can trust in real life. If you speak to her, don’t promise anything. If you have a joint bank account, transfer half to yourself.

Don’t inflict acts of revenge at this point. You’re clearly not a person who will take joy from that.

If he threatens more panic attacks, explain that you’re not the person who can help him here but that you can contact someone appropriate (eg his parents/siblings/close friends) to support him if he wishes.

Focus solely on yourself, OP.

Re-read what I said - obviously nothing will change what happened. It was a suggestion to make her feel better about things in the meantime.

I would tell her calmly and clearly that I am informing her husband and her colleagues.

The only thing I'd be saying to OW is "He's in a bad way, with panic attacks and threatening self harm. Because of what I've just found out about the two of you, I am not emotionally strong enough to support him properly, so I'll let him know to call you when he needs help."

This is awful. I really hope you can stand firm and not pander to him or to her. I would ask her why she wants to speak to you but I certainly wouldn't have a call with her.

Sorry . I totally missed that

Yeah fuck him.
Let him learn to 'self soothe.'

May make him grow up a bit.

God I hate menchildren.

How on earth is that going to change anything this makes no sense whatsoever

Agreed.
Plus I seriously doubt she wants to be taking on the permanent role of mothering him as well as her children.
(tucking him in, good lord).

This has probably made her come to her senses and realise that she needs a husband not a manchild so let her be.

You don't need to cite infidelity for divorce nowadays anyway.

Well isn’t he a manipulative little cheater. Hope you’ve managed some sleep. Let him have his panic attacks. Just laugh and walk away

She will probably agree to anything as you have the ability to blow up her life should you wish!

I'm sorry your going through this OP. Cab you afford another hotel whilst on your holiday?

She might be fat.

Hi OP. God, what a shock. I'm so sorry this is happening. I want to echo other PP who have given lovely clear explanations of what to do now. I know you care for this man, and so seeing him have a panic attack and threaten suicide will make you want to protect him, but it's best to view this behaviour as a corned animal in panic. You can still be kind whilst centering yourself.

1. Speak to reception and get a different room
2. Tell him you are giving him some peace and quiet, and you will check on him at x time tomorrow
3. Find out if there are any English language charities like Samaritans in the country you are in, and leave him the number. Tell him if he feels he is in crisis he needs to call the emergency number where you are.
4. Tell OW you are not ready to talk, and you will let her know if and when you are, and not to contact you in the meantime
5. Try not to drink the bottle of champagne. If you need a drink, have one or two stiff shots just to get to sleep. Depending on what country you are in, you may be able to buy melatonin easily to help with sleep too, you could ask at reception. You need to keep your head fresh, and a hangover will be the worst thing to wake up with tomorrow.

Wishing you lots of strength 💐

Did I read that right? You're tucking him to bed because he's had a panic attack?

Seriously, have you no self respect?

Oooh I’ve had another idea OP.

If your DH does decide to surface then I’d show him what he’s going to be missing out on. Assuming it’s a pool/beach type of holiday - get to the local shops and find a really skimpy bikini - one of those thong ones ideally.

He’ll soon feel stupid when you are strutting around poolside in that!

Trying to help him trace his luggage whilst he was in the pool only to find hundreds of messages, videos, suggestive pics of my hubby and one of his older former colleagues.

I don’t understand how you found messages to another woman when you were supposed to be looking for his luggage.

There’s no point talking to him or OW. What could they possibly say to make it ok?

I doubt the other woman wants him as a permanent fixture.
Menchildren can be fun but no good with the practicalities of life.
That's what husbands are for.