Page 7 | Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

StephEP · 2026-03-23T15:50:08+00:00

SDs are 13 and 12. They live with their mum the majority of the time, only with us EOWE now through their preference, and DH pays maintenance accordingly. DH and their mum aren’t on great terms. In the past, clothes have ‘belonged to the house’ so clothes get washed and returned. Very frequently, ‘our’ clothes go AWOL and return stained, ripped or months later, too small. I would say we buy nicer clothes for SDs but they’re perfectly adequately dressed by their mum too. Having found last weekend that - yet again - they have “no clothes” here, I would like to suggest to them and DH that the clothes can travel freely with SDs, and we’ll take them on a couple of big shopping trips a year, and buy things like coats (we do this anyway) but they need to be responsible and bring a bag of clothes with them each time. I’d suggest we maintain a supply of pants and pyjamas and the very basics.

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:42

PhuckTrump · 23/03/2026 16:38

I’m trying to understand why they’re not bringing their favourite/new items to your house? My teen girls want to look nice at the weekend too.

Generally they don’t bring anything, because it’s “forgotten” and then they’ll ask to go shopping…

We don’t live near their school, so suspect they don’t feel the pressure to dress up like they would if they thought they’d bump into people they knew.

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 23/03/2026 16:41

PhuckTrump · 23/03/2026 16:38

I’m trying to understand why they’re not bringing their favourite/new items to your house? My teen girls want to look nice at the weekend too.

They don't bring clothes to the OPs house. They arrive in school uniform.

This is what the OP is suggesting though... buy them clothes and let them wear what they want when they want but also for them to understand the supply isn't endless.

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:41

YanbuOk · 23/03/2026 16:35

This is all pretty sad.

This father sees his kids 52 days a year. You have had clothes for those days only.

You say the daughters choose not to spend time with their Dad.

And your comment is you are not a clothes shop.

You’re not a parent. But you and your partner don’t seem to care much about these girls or want to open your whole lives to them. You’re not really getting what’s going on here. The clothes are a symptom.

Honestly buy them duplicates of everything off Vinted. It won’t cost much. But get a grip.

They’ll only be around for 5 more years - 250 more days. Less than a year in real time.

And your issue is some clothing for 50 days?

Edited

Yes, it is sad. Their mum moved away and told them they could choose to live with us or her, and they chose her. She’s always been the primary parent. DH got legal advice but as SD1 was 11, was told her request would be granted. Their mum isn’t awful but she is their mate a lot more than we are.

They don’t want to come for extra weekends because they want to see their friends! It’s normal for teens.

Loving a teenager isn’t dependent on buying them a new wardrobe every month.

OP posts:

PhuckTrump · 23/03/2026 16:38

I’m trying to understand why they’re not bringing their favourite/new items to your house? My teen girls want to look nice at the weekend too.

YanbuOk · 23/03/2026 16:35

This is all pretty sad.

This father sees his kids 52 days a year. You have had clothes for those days only.

You say the daughters choose not to spend time with their Dad.

And your comment is you are not a clothes shop.

You’re not a parent. But you and your partner don’t seem to care much about these girls or want to open your whole lives to them. You’re not really getting what’s going on here. The clothes are a symptom.

Honestly buy them duplicates of everything off Vinted. It won’t cost much. But get a grip.

They’ll only be around for 5 more years - 250 more days. Less than a year in real time.

And your issue is some clothing for 50 days?

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:33

BudgetBuster · 23/03/2026 16:29

Exactly! Thankfully because we are to school from school for exchanges, it's much less of an issue. However, whereas previously we lost clothing every single weekend, we were able to determine what SS wore as a small child and put older or cheaper clothing on him. Now he is a 6ft teen with his own expensive style so whilst we might only lost 1 outfit every month, it could cost over £100.

Show quote history

Same for us. School to school isn’t an option for us. But they’ve both got adult shoe sizes and increasingly wear adult clothes and their shopping budget is more than I care to work out…

OP posts:

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:31

MimiGC · 23/03/2026 16:04

Most girls their age are becoming self conscious of how they look. I’m surprised at their ages that their clothes are getting so stained and torn. I wonder what’s really going on?

I don’t think there’s abuse or neglect, if that’s what you’re getting at.

I think it’s a combination of:

our household prioritises looking smart more than their mum’s, and spends more on clothes than she does
their mum doesn’t wash things well
SDs themselves want to keep ‘our’ clothes at their mum’s as much as possible

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 23/03/2026 16:29

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:22

Exactly. When SDs were little, it was less of an issue when a few pairs of leggings and tee-shirts went AWOL. Now they are bigger, clothes are far more expensive, and as barely anything is being returned in a wearable state, it’s costing more than we can afford to budget on top of maintenance.

Show quote history

Exactly! Thankfully because we are to school from school for exchanges, it's much less of an issue. However, whereas previously we lost clothing every single weekend, we were able to determine what SS wore as a small child and put older or cheaper clothing on him. Now he is a 6ft teen with his own expensive style so whilst we might only lost 1 outfit every month, it could cost over £100.

Snorlaxo · 23/03/2026 16:28

Make sure sd know that they can bring dirty washing to yours (if heavily worn means unwashed)

If they refuse to bring clothes then you might have to send them home in uniform. Doing that once might help make them understand that it’s in their interest to bring stuff. Or when you drop them off, they can give you some clothes to keep at yours for next time (secondary school kids sometimes have heavy bags like PE, food tech etc)

familyissues12345 · 23/03/2026 16:27

We used to insist DS’s Dad provided his own clothes for his weekends, due to DS’s clothes going missing, coming back looking really shabby or on a couple of occasions going “missing” then being seen on his stepbrother a couple of weeks later!! We changed back to DS taking his own clothes when he was about 9 or 10 as he didn’t like the clothes his Dad had for him and promised he would be responsible for bringing everything back

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:25

TenTenTenAgain · 23/03/2026 16:24

It's an annoying issue to have op. I had this with exh. I think my kids were early teens when they started keeping track of their own favourite things and and refusing to let exh anywhere near them. Their best hoodie would always be 'in the wash' or hidden when they wanted it etc. Having a game playing ex that weaponises the kids is exhausting.

I strongly suspect SDs only wear rags over here in case something good gets left. I do understand their perspective and why it’s happening, but we simply can’t afford to buy them new outfits every month without it impacting elsewhere.

OP posts:

TenTenTenAgain · 23/03/2026 16:24

It's an annoying issue to have op. I had this with exh. I think my kids were early teens when they started keeping track of their own favourite things and and refusing to let exh anywhere near them. Their best hoodie would always be 'in the wash' or hidden when they wanted it etc. Having a game playing ex that weaponises the kids is exhausting.

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:22

BudgetBuster · 23/03/2026 16:20

Yes, like I said we have no issues with my SS wearing "our clothes" over to mums and "her clothes" back.... I don't care who bought what once he has a wardrobe of clothes he can wear here. But when clothes aren't returned it's an issue. Money doesn't grow on trees. A pair of trainers cost over £100 a pop, I can't replace that easily.

I think your suggestion works. I'd probably have a few cheap basic outfits as backup and obviously underwear and pj's but they the rest of the clothes can travel over and back.

But maybe have some rules with the girls that they need to leave at least 3 outfits in your house at all times or something in case they forget anything.

Show quote history

Exactly. When SDs were little, it was less of an issue when a few pairs of leggings and tee-shirts went AWOL. Now they are bigger, clothes are far more expensive, and as barely anything is being returned in a wearable state, it’s costing more than we can afford to budget on top of maintenance.

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 23/03/2026 16:20

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:15

Cut up! That sounds awful.

It isn’t that bad for us, but I think it’s just a case of their mum washing everything together in a quick wash so there’s often grass stains / mud / make up baked in. And I think as ‘our’ clothes are often the newest, they get worn on very heavy rotation.

I’d rather the girls had access to their beloved items than them sit in a wardrobe most of the time, but was concerned that from their mum’s perspective, this method would be considered undesirable somehow.

Show quote history

Yes, like I said we have no issues with my SS wearing "our clothes" over to mums and "her clothes" back.... I don't care who bought what once he has a wardrobe of clothes he can wear here. But when clothes aren't returned it's an issue. Money doesn't grow on trees. A pair of trainers cost over £100 a pop, I can't replace that easily.

I think your suggestion works. I'd probably have a few cheap basic outfits as backup and obviously underwear and pj's but they the rest of the clothes can travel over and back.

But maybe have some rules with the girls that they need to leave at least 3 outfits in your house at all times or something in case they forget anything.

MidnightPatrol · 23/03/2026 16:19

5128gap · 23/03/2026 15:57

I think your suggestion is long over due. I'd hate to think that my own clothes weren't actually mine, but were like a sort of uniform on loan for the house I was in. Sensible to keep spare basics as well until they get used to the responsibility of packing.

Edited

Agreed - complete madness to expect them to have different wardrobes for different houses.

The things expected of children in these situations…!

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:19

PeppyBrickQuoter · 23/03/2026 16:17

I don’t understand why they don’t just have clothes at your house that they wear and go back to their mums in whatever their mum sent them.

Because it’s generally uniform. And if not, it’s an outfit from our house that they’ve worn back previously. They very rarely arrive in anything their mum has bought, and when they do, it’s generally in bad condition (stained, wrong size, second hand and very worn).

OP posts:

PeppyBrickQuoter · 23/03/2026 16:17

I don’t understand why they don’t just have clothes at your house that they wear and go back to their mums in whatever their mum sent them.

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:16

AlexRidersButt · 23/03/2026 16:12

But surely that's a good thing from the girls' point of view?

The nice clothes get worn loads, rather than every other weekend. They will outgrow them within a year anyway, so isn't it better the girls get the most wear out of the stuff they love most?

Show quote history

Yes, I’m sure it is a good thing from their perspective! Less so from ours when we have to completely restock their wardrobes every couple of months. We’re not a clothes shop.

OP posts:

BudgetBuster · 23/03/2026 16:16

AlexRidersButt · 23/03/2026 16:12

But surely that's a good thing from the girls' point of view?

The nice clothes get worn loads, rather than every other weekend. They will outgrow them within a year anyway, so isn't it better the girls get the most wear out of the stuff they love most?

Show quote history

That's all fine until the OPs house has no clothes at all (because they arrive in uniform and go back in normal clothing which isnt sent back until it needs replacing).

I think that's why the OP is suggesting that the OP & kids Dad will agree to fund £XX of clothes every few months and the girls.can use at whichever house they want... but for fairness they need to pack a bag so that they always at least have something to wear.

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:15

BudgetBuster · 23/03/2026 16:06

We had major issues when my SS was younger with this. He would arrive to us midweek in school uniform and gone back to his mums house on a Sunday wearing normal clothes. We would wash, dry, iron and return the uniform but the clothes we bought were never returned and every few weeks we'd get a big bag of cut up, stained non wearable clothes back.

Eventually it unfortunately had to be written into the C/O that mum had to send clothes in his backpack. Not ideal but we were able to show the courts that we were spending money every month on an entire wardrobe for him whilst DH was also paying maintenence.

We then moved to a to school from school schedule and whilst we definitely lost out on a few outfits during non term time, we just made sure anything super expensive didn't go over there.

We've actually just spent 2 weeks trying to get clothing back (we can count 6 outfits all costing approx £100 each that she has while we sit with a half empty wardrobe). So far she's sent back one jumper. We have reminded my now 14yo SS to bring stuff back and again he looks at us stupid. We have no issues with clothes going over and back from each house but we are struggling when we buy something brand now and then he arrives in uniform and goes back to her (e.g. bank holidays or non school days) in said brand new clothes and when she does eventually send it back it's been cut with scissors 🙄

We sat SS down last week and explained that if he doesn't bring clothes back, he will have to wear his school uniform back to her house during the Easter Holidays. And unfortunately we will need to stick to it.

Cut up! That sounds awful.

It isn’t that bad for us, but I think it’s just a case of their mum washing everything together in a quick wash so there’s often grass stains / mud / make up baked in. And I think as ‘our’ clothes are often the newest, they get worn on very heavy rotation.

I’d rather the girls had access to their beloved items than them sit in a wardrobe most of the time, but was concerned that from their mum’s perspective, this method would be considered undesirable somehow.

OP posts:

AlexRidersButt · 23/03/2026 16:12

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:05

They do have enough clothes here, but the best outfits, expensive items and what they actually want to wear ends up being ‘accidentally’ left behind. For months. Which means we can spend hundreds on new clothes, only for them to be complaining about having nothing they like to wear after a few weeks.

Show quote history

But surely that's a good thing from the girls' point of view?

The nice clothes get worn loads, rather than every other weekend. They will outgrow them within a year anyway, so isn't it better the girls get the most wear out of the stuff they love most?

TheBlueKoala · 23/03/2026 16:10

They should pack a bag themselves every time they come over. Just keep pyjamas, homewear and underwear at yours. Problem solved.

Snorlaxo · 23/03/2026 16:09

My kids packed a bag each time. It’s unreasonable to expect teens to remember which item can be worn at each house plus it’s up to them to remember their favourite items like hoodies. My ex never bought clothes for his house but gave me extra every 4-6 months so the kids could choose clothes that they like. He hates shopping and teens have specific tastes so it worked best for everyone.

I can’t comment on the heavily worn angle because it’s unclear if they are rough with clothes or not laundering things properly but stipulating that they can buy new clothes every 4 months or whatever is a good idea.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/03/2026 16:09

arethereanyleftatall · 23/03/2026 16:04

I’m sorry but I cannot imagine what it must be like to be children and have to deal with this nonsense.
I have an ex, and my girls have two houses and I have absolutely no idea who bought which clothes and where each item of clothing is of our children.

I mean - how would such a conversation even go?!?
a 13 yo surely dresses themselves. I’m sure they don’t choose clothes that are only fit for a bin. Neither would a mum pack a bag for them at that age.
so by what you are saying - the teenager comes out in whatever she wants to wear and the mum sends them back to put on shit too small clothes?!? I just can’t even imagine that that would ever happen.

Original poster

StephEP · 23/03/2026 16:08

They can’t be sent home in what they arrive in, as it’s usually school uniform.

OP posts: