Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

Why buy them then?

Those poor children: a divided wardrobe on top of everything else divided.

They are teens: just let them wear what they want, when they want, where they want like normal teenagers can. If they don't bring any, they won't have any. That will only happen once or twice. But a kind of stocktake of what belongs where is just unnecessary tension.

I've heard this so many times. Not from the OP but from stepmums.
Every time the DSC bringing only tatty too-small clothes with them.
The DF and DSM buying clothes most visits but not seeing them again.

This was an issue when my two were younger. They had 5 nights a fortnight at their Dads and he didn't go through their clothes each season to see what they'd grown out of. So he thought they had a lot of clothes there, however he only had the older clothes I had bought that had made their way there. Some were two sizes too small. The children would wear the clothes I had brought them there, then wear the too small clothes home, as they were the only clean clothes. They went to a school with no uniform, so that compounded the problem. Once they were old enough to take a bag and bring back some clothes, things got easier.

Yes! I agree.
Surely arrange an allowance for clothes. They then can buy clothes and are responsible for looking after them ? Then just have the basics at your house ?

I don’t know any teenage girls who aren’t going to look after their best clothes if they realise that new ones aren’t just going to keep appearing. This will also encourage their mother to look after the clothes as she will realise there isn’t going to be an endless supply.

He's 14. He's now old enough to put clothes in a bag... if he can put his kit bag in he can throw a tracksuit in a bag.

Do you honestly think my DH hasn't tried mediation etc in the last 12 years? I clearly state that she is court ordered to pack clothes and she doesn't.

The perspective is that they cannot afford endless clothes that are never returned... 🙄

It also sounds as if your house and ex‘s may have different ideas on clothes as well. SDs can‘t need too many clothes if they are in uniform most of the week. Mine were in legging/joggers and hoodies most evenings at that age.
Explain to SDs that they are old enough to sort a bag. It could be that they stuff a few things into a bag in a rush on Friday morning, or that their mum does the washing on the weekend when kids are at yours?
If they need to get dressed up for something on your weekends, then their Dad can surely txt to remind them? And could be an idea - if finances allow - for their Dad to give them a clothing allowance direct and let them go shopping on your weekend every x or so months. At that age, they should be happy to get that independence. My DD‘s first big shopping trip ended up with a mixture of H&M, M&S (cos she was familiar with it) primark and a really good charity shop find. She looked great and not tarty/glitzy as I’d feared) as most young girls will do if they dress their age. Also packing when she stayed with her dad has made her an excellent packer ever since

My son goes to his Dad’s once every 6 weeks if that. Dad refuses to let him bring anything home - whatever he is dropped off in he comes home in - underwear the lot. He is not allowed to bring anything birthday presents back from his Dad’s house etc and my son (a teenager is fed up with it)

My attitude is totally different - my son’s stuff is his stuff he wants to leave it at his Dad’s (300 miles away) he can- the only thing I say is if he takes his nice coat and leaves it at his Dad’s I’m not buying another one for here. Talk to the girls about it and try to be amicable with them if you can - they will thank you for it. It you buy them a nice pair of jeans - they might to take it back after all they are there 11/14 days. If you can suggest you take the girls shopping once a month and spend £100 on clothes or whatever but the deal is they bring a suitcase and all their clothes.

I suggest pants, PJ, dressing gown are excluded but have an open conversation.

My ex was so pathetic about swapping clothes eg he would arrive in age 6 trousers and he would return him in age 4 trousers that I just literally turned up one drop off and said here are two black sacks of age 6/7 clothes that fit him - don’t put in him on clothes and shoes too small!

Have you posted before? I'm sure I've read this , if not worth a search for answers.

Given the age of these girls I am surprised they don’t INSIST on choosing what they will wear and when.

Absolutely reasonable OP. Tell them to pack a bag. If they forget it they will spend the weekend in Primark basics.

BudgetBuster
We had major issues when my SS was younger with this. He would arrive to us midweek in school uniform and gone back to his mums house on a Sunday wearing normal clothes. We would wash, dry, iron and return the uniform but the clothes we bought were never returned and every few weeks we'd get a big bag of cut up, stained non wearable clothes back.
Eventually it unfortunately had to be written into the C/O that mum had to send clothes in his backpack. Not ideal but we were able to show the courts that we were spending money every month on an entire wardrobe for him whilst DH was also paying maintenence.
We then moved to a to school from school schedule and whilst we definitely lost out on a few outfits during non term time, we just made sure anything super expensive didn't go over there.
We've actually just spent 2 weeks trying to get clothing back (we can count 6 outfits all costing approx £100 each that she has while we sit with a half empty wardrobe). So far she's sent back one jumper. We have reminded my now 14yo SS to bring stuff back and again he looks at us stupid. We have no issues with clothes going over and back from each house but we are struggling when we buy something brand now and then he arrives in uniform and goes back to her (e.g. bank holidays or non school days) in said brand new clothes and when she does eventually send it back it's been cut with scissors 🙄
We sat SS down last week and explained that if he doesn't bring clothes back, he will have to wear his school uniform back to her house during the Easter Holidays. And unfortunately we will need to stick to it.

Im sorry but your ds should know nothing of this, you should be dealing with the mum only, no kid should be told ‘if you can’t do x’ when it’s their mum doing it. I think you should all try some form of mediation

I can’t understand why they just don’t put a couple of outfits in their school bag for the weekend? You have underwear and PJs at yours. They are old enough to pack a bag for themselves.

They ‘forget’ because they know you will take them shopping. Just say, sorry, I can’t but dad can nip you back home for a change of clothes. They’ll soon sort themselves out.

You also sound like a massive snob OP. I hope non of this rubs off on the poor girls.

Your relationship needs to shift towards interacting with them. Ask them how they’d like to handle it. Be clear you can’t buy clothes every month so they need to either keep clothes at yours or take a bag back and forth. I would t include mum at all at their ages. I’d keep some cheap basics at yours just in case they forget the bag. Extra logistics is just part of the deal for everyone.

Can you give the DC a clothing allowance? Let them manage what they buy and then pack? It might stop the expectation that you'll take them every time they stay.

my stepchildren come in their clothes from their mum. They wear the clothes we provide and go home in the clothes from their mum. The relationship with their mother is very strained. If we sent clothes home we would never see them again. I would say our solution works, but it’s expensive as they need a full set of summer and winter clothes.

My girls grew up like this and now categorically HATE their step mum for imposing the rule. Where is Dad in all this? It’s his problem if there is one not yours. It used to drive me crazy being the poor parent being accused of sending the girls in poor people’s clothes. Get some perspective in your life.

You're in a very fortunate position then. Not everyone is. I buy very different clothes to what my ex chooses, which are always returned at the next opportunity, but it isn’t reciprocal and lots of the clothes I buy disappear until they’re outgrown or I’ve had to request them back multiple times. And every time the kids are there (EOW) they come home without at least one essential item of uniform/PE kit, or coat, or school shoes/trainers. It would be lovely to not have to deal with this (or to have to keep buying more uniform because ex ‘can’t’ bring it back in time for the next time they need it) but not all exes are reasonable.

poor kids getting mucked about by their mum...

I'd say that sounds perfectly fair at their age and means they can have their favourite things with them all the time. I wonder if their Dad might need to have a check initially that they have enough with them.

My DS is 13 and has EOW and 1 weeknight with his Dad and keeps all his clothes here and takes a bag. He is in men's clothes now and has some jeans or hoodies that are £80. It would be odd to duplicate everything. It has also made him very efficient at packing and responsible for deciding what to take and making sure he has everything. It does help that we live near though so if he does forget something he can get it but I can't actually remember the last time he needed to.

Maybe you could give SDs a monthly budget for the clothes you will buy? They can either save it up or spend each month. That could help with the "oopsie, I've not brought anything to wear, can you take me shopping?!" as they can go shopping but they have a budget.

The new suggestion is the only reasonable and logical one, I am amazed at the original system and no wonder it didn't work, how hard to keep track!

I think I'd go with the idea of a bunch of spare primark leggings, t shirts and trackies.

I am a bit suspicious that the girls "forget " to pack anything because they get to go on a shopping spree. I can imagine my own daughter being delighted with such a ruse! Might get better at "remembering" if she just got a supply of plain boring basics even if they were brand new and fitted fine.