Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

I picked it up differently in that she meant shoes weren't returned. But again, I don't see where anyone mentioned disciplining and the OP had repeatedly said that her SDs mother is a good mother so I think you're perhaps reading out of context a bit.

I feel liek maybe you have RTFT.

They arrive in school uniform on Fridays and go back in normal clothes on Sunday (uniform washed and packed in bag). Bornal clothes don't get returned for ages and when they eventually do, they don't fit or are bot fit for purpose.

The issue isn't who owns what clothes, or whether the kids wear clothes bought by Dad at Mums and vice versa, the issues is that the OP & her DH have to buy a new outfit for basically every visit.

The toys thing is different... its not a basic need. A kid doesn't NEED to wear toys to leave the house. Again, the issue isn't about the kids using something bought by Parent A at Parent Bs house. It's just that basic necessities are not returned (no matter who bought them or the brand etc).

Neither Parent has an endless money pot to be buying new outfits non stop.

Because she was concurring with a post by OP saying the bio mum returns clothing stained, ripped etc, and she chimed in saying it happens to them with shoes.

I guess the more time children spend with a parent, the more damage will happen there, percentage-wise.

I don't personally see the point in having lots of clothes for EOW when money could be spent elsewhere unless it's the standard pants, socks, pjs, dressing gown, slippers etc.

I think you need to make a plan and your DH needs to speak to his Ex to go over the plan. If the SC turn up with no clothes again it's fine to have some primark t-shirts, hoodies and leggings to hand. It might be they are keeping things back because (a ) they like them to much and you might make them return them and (b) the excitement of dad taking them shopping again!

I would say though, I have an 18yr old and a nearly 15yr, 18yr old has always been amazing with her clothes. Nearly 15yrs old would pack an overnight bag and leave out a lot of out (last time was his phone charger and toothbrush) and the he regularly forgets to bring things home....front door and key and coat when he came home.

Let them wear whatever they arrive in. At 13 and 12 you can bet your bottom dollar their mum isn’t picking their clothes. You can’t buy gifts for people no matter what relation and then put stipulations on how they are used or where they are kept. Long term damage for your short term inconvenience. Out of interest as kid kids did they have to keep sets of toys at respective houses? If so can you imagine how damaging that actually is? Its point scoring behaviour.

Ive been the so called poor parent I am also a SP to two kids and I earn considerably more than their mum. Do I gloat? Do I frown at her choice in clothes no I don’t because I have no right to. I have the upmost respect for my SCs mother I certainly wouldn’t dream of Mum bashing on a public forum.

How did you pick that up from what @Notasbigasithink said? It's not remotely linked to what she said

Is that because their friends are all nearby? You can understand why they feel that way. But it’s very annoying for you, and you do have a right to not always be buying more and more clothes!

Yeah I agree with this. Clothes “belonging to the house” so that no one has to do much thinking or remembering to move things about sounds nice in theory and can work when they’re really little, but it won’t work for tweens and teens. They will want their clothes to belong with them.

Luckily this co incides with the age when they can be expected to pack their own bags. I agree with keeping so basics (pants socks leggings) at each house, but let the kids be in charge of what goes where over and above that.

My dd (17) has been doing similar for ages, leaving some things at each place but moving the things she wants to move - of course she doesn’t have to go anywhere she doesn’t want to, but would miss her little siblings if she didn’t go to her Dad’s.

My DS12 now also takes his own stuff he wants back and forth - he has ADHD but (possibly thanks to Scouts!) he can cope quite well with managing the clothes and stuff he wants.

Maybe, just maybe there are some pretty hideous women in this world too that are prepared to weaponise their children........

Just let the clothes belong to the child. If they don't bring them, they haven't got clothes, have they? They will soon learn.

I don't think this IS just about doing what is best for the children. There's a tussle with the ex at the back of it.

poor kids. Stop spending more than you can afford, the girls are not trophies for you to dress up and show off.
and stop being so unpleasant about their mother, just because she’s not anal about clothing like you are. You’re throwing around all sorts of shitty comments about her but the bottom line is you choose to get nicer clothes and the girls choose to wear them. That’s got fuck all to do with their mum. This is a you problem

I had to resort to tryirmimhbyhem in whatever they arrived in. I was sick and tired of buying them nice clothes and never seeing them again.

Clothes belong to the child or dont buy them and leave it to mum

The people who are giving you grief on this thread clearly haven't been in this situation themselves.

Yes the clothes belong to the children, and yes the adults should all behave perfectly in a perfect world, where exes all get on like a house on fire and nobody takes advantage of anyone and everyone always puts the kids first no matter what...!

Sadly, people aren't perfect, and I don't think having a go at the OP is in any way helpful when she clearly cares and is clearly trying to get to an age-appropriate situation.

I always find it very odd that, regardless how many mothers in this world manage to to care for their children admirably, it always takes a SM to sniff out the ones who strangely lack the ability to launder or discipline and other such parenting tasks, and it's always the ex who is uncovered as having these failings that friends, schools, relatives all fail to discern. 🤔

You're not alone in this issue. I've seen instances of other stepmums making similar posts on Mumsnet: new clothes disappearing at the other household and tatty clothes being returned. Unfortunately, some parents seem to use this as a kind of power play.

At their ages, surely they wouldn’t want to wear old or stained clothes that their mum has deliberately picked out?

The sceptical part of me suspects that the girls have realised that by travelling to your house in these clothes = dad buying lots of new clothes for them 😁

This is why divorce can fuck kids up. This is so toxic. The clothes belong to the children not a house. Adults need to grow up.

Fair enough. I don't think, at 12 and 13, it'd be on mum to pack the bags, especially if you keep what I've suggested at yours (so they can just turn up, and won't be deprived, but will not have a choice of what they're wearing etc), and when you introduce it you make clear they should be packing own bags etc., and that if they didn't, it'd be what's in the drawers, not a shopping spree every weekend!

Sounds like you're doing well and making a big effort, and I;d just recommend a conversation with everyone first :)

If they go to school close to where they live, then whoever collects them from school should drive them to their mother’s house and gets them to nip in, get changed and grab some outfits that they can wear. Tell them there can’t be shopping trips each week. And have some supermarket jeans and tops at your home for back up. It does seem like their mum, and indeed the girls, are milking it a little. What teenager wouldn’t like having new clothes bought each time they come!

This happens all the time with my step children esp nice shoes.
if we ever forget to return anything from mums house within a day of leaving, all hell breaks loose. Very sad for the children but she has become obsessive with 'her stuff' that her ways are starting to rub off on the poor children. We have no problem them wanting to wear stuff from ours at their mums as long as when they return, we still have an adequate supply of clothes for them to wear here and that they havent all disappeared so they have nothing to wear 🤷‍♀️

I never ha much mice to ear as a child becasue we were very poor. my uncle used ot buy us a lovely outfit for Christmas at M and S every year. I loved that. I never had what my friends had and then I ended up in. afincacniily controlling relationship