Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

My dad had the same years ago with all my little half siblings. They’d go to his straight after school and the overnight bags would be empty, not even pyjamas. So every weekend he’d have to buy new sets of clothes for every child.

makes you think negatively about the mum, well it did me.

I know exactly what you mean. You and dad buy nice clothes that go back to mums and are never seen again. Children arrive in tatty stuff which need’s replacing. So damn irritating. Girls are now getting to an age where they can pack for themselves and take some responsibility but it is an uphill battle

My grandaughter has two homes and it's all very amicable .. sorry you went through this not all adults are like this .
Lots do set good examples .

You are on the right track and the SC are old enough to tell you if mum is making them leave the good items behind.

in a previous relationship SC was an only child 6 yo. My then partner was trying to set up toys for his bedroom so he had things to play with when staying over, only the toys would go (as any young child wants to do with something new) but never come back for the following weekend.

at the end of the day these things are implemented for the benefit of the children. Why a parent would want to deny that is beyond me.

Clothes belong to our house my grandaughter comes in mums clothes goes back in mums school uniform but in between when it's my sons half of the week she wears her clothes from our house and school uniform from our house .
Same with shoes trainers and pjamas underwear it works.

I had exactly that issue with my ex. I ended up sending them back in whatever they came in, so they never took stuff I bought back to his place, and what he bought stayed at his house. It worked.

I am so sorry to read this @ihategin

Your experience is exactly what ex and I tried a
so very hard not to do to our dd or his older dc (my first lot of dsc). Both houses are referred to as dds home, everything is hers and she is free to take things between houses as she sees fit. I have a couple of coats for her just in case things get left at her dad's.

Good luck with your therapy. I really hope it brings you some closure.

They're old enough to pack a bag for the weekend with some guidance.

Don't put this all on the mum to implement, though. Your DH or you should sit down with the girls and write out a packing list for a typical weekend that they can use as their checklist. For the time being dad should send a message in advance if there's anything special they need to bring that weekend. Have an agreement on what will stay at your house - toiletries, pyjamas, a backup pair of trainers, socks and pants, and some basic backup outfits (including a reasonably smart option) are a good starting place.

Explain the tradeoff and reasoning so they understand that packing is a way to make sure they have clothes they want to wear at whichever house they're at and that they're always welcome to leave more things at your house to limit the packing if they prefer.

Have you read the OPs posts though? That's exactly what she's trying to avoid... she's suggesting giving them an allowance/ taking them shopping at intervals to buy whatever they want or need but encouraging them to bring a packed bag to the NRP house so that any clothes they might want (no matter who bought them) can be worn wherever or whenever they want.

It's all well and good saying the clothes should belong to the kid.. I think everyone agrees with that concept. But when you are the household constantly paying out for clothes and NEVER having so much as a t-shirt left at your house for the kids... how do you propose parents get around that without bankrupting themselves?

Can I just share my POV of being the kid in this situation?

I am 40 now. I'm having therapy due to the horribleness between parents and "houses", I have never felt settled in my life and I have issues in not believing I deserve "nice" things because items belonged to a house or parent rather than me.

I have such low self esteem due to always worrying about which parent or step parent I will accidentally upset each week and all the pandering I had to do for a peaceful life.

I didn't have nice things. I had nice things with caveats "that belongs here" or "that's for this house only". Horrible

Please just think 💐

At their age they can surely have an allowance to spend on clothes and it should be their choice where the clothes go. I don’t think they need clothes at your house since they’re only there twice a month.

Exactly what I think.

There is no need to make unpleasantness and stress around it.

They won't die if they have no clothes other than what they are wearing and will soon learn to manage better.

Ask the girls what they want to do, they are big enough. But really, they should be taking responsibility for their clothes themselves now. The clothes belong to them, not to the place they’re staying. I would hate it if my clothes didn’t belong to me. And it’s probably the girls choosing to bring the rubbish ones with them when they visit, rather than the mum. Of COURSE they want to keep the nice clothes at their main home where they spend most of their time and see their friends. Who wouldn’t?

Given that this is probably their own preference, I suggest you don’t fight it. Let them wear rubbish clothes at your house. It’s what they want. You may feel embarrassed in front of other people, and imagine everyone you know gossiping about how badly you look after them. This really doesn’t matter. What matters is giving the girls agency to manage their own clothes. It will also stop them asking for new clothes because they haven’t brought any. I suspect they are playing you! There is no need to buy new clothes, they’ve made their own choices, they just know that you’ll probably buy more. So stop caring about this. It doesn’t matter. (What matters is the genuine family relationship, which you know is good.) They will no longer have a hold over you in this way. Also, it will make them focus on actually packing properly. If they know they’re not going to wangle new clothes, they might actually bring some decent ones. But if they don’t, it doesn’t matter.

Then just spend whatever you think is appropriate on clothes and leave them to it.

We had the same problem.

DS comes home to us on a Friday in her uniform and she goes back to school on a Monday in her uniform.

if for any reason she goes home early, she goes into moms, gets changed and then comes out with her clothes.

if she comes to us in moms clothes, she gets changed, and we wash moms stuff and she goes home in it.

moms okay, but constantly asked for “her clothes” which we didn’t have… and if we did. it’s only 1 item, but we did find that a lot of stuff was going to moms and not coming back, so we asked and ended up with 2 black bags coming back.

its the only way really to do it and keep it fair.

I totally agree that it’s actually been pretty civil given it’s a step mum thread! Was more a bit of support to OP to ignore the ones who have piled on but they are relatively few which is nice.
I do see what you’re saying re punishing the DSC but was trying (maybe badly!) to make the point that, in my opinion at least, OP’s SC are old enough to bring clothes between houses and to deal with the consequences (ie having to wear the boring/old stuff) if they can’t be bothered or forget. From what OP says I get the sense they’re also not particularly fussed about wearing the tatty knackered stuff while they’re at OP’s so it’s presumably not really a punishment for them - more so for OP 😅

Ive been a step mum and now i have the mum role on this situation. I gave up getting new things for SC and used to get bundles online and then a few nice bits, they wlways took the nice stuff home but always had clothes here. It is annoying when youre constantly replacing things but im often havinn to replace my own kids things now as they get worn out very quickly. I send a bag to Dads, they arent there that often and he's never bought the spare pjs and pants and jacket ive suggested but at least means they have stuff they are happy and comfortable in

The difference for your dd is that it has been her choice due to her own preference. In the case of the OP this leans towards punishing her dsc for their mum's crappy behaviour and that isnt fair.

Im a step mum twice over and a mum. I absolutely know that SMs get a rough ride in here. Sometimes it is justified but you are right that most often it is because people deliberately read a SMs post with all the negativity they can.

I'm not sure that is entirely the case here. Most people have supported @StephEP situation even if they (like me) think it is the wrong decision. There are only a handful who have used it as a SM battering ram.

It means Read the Full Thread.

I think what the OP is trying to achieve though is that actually the stepkids can bring clothes freely to and from each house... they just have to maintain a certain amount at Dads house that they don't run out?

Unfortunately it's very difficult to co-parent with some people and that impacts the kids unfortunately. But I'm sure they'd also be impacted if either of their parents ran into financial difficulty because the other parent is hoarding clothes.

OP you’ve had the predictable kicking from some people on here. MN HATES step mums. But in the real world, your suggestion of the children bringing stuff to and from yours is perfectly fine and reasonable. My older DC go to their dad EOW; he has clothes for the younger ones at his but eldest is v fussy about clothes so has been taking her own stuff to and fro for years (since she was younger than your SC are now). We do send back younger 2’s stuff to the ‘right’ houses but equally if they want to take stuff to and fro that’s fine. My DSD also takes stuff back and forth. She didn’t used to but we had the same problem of clothes only going one way and crap stuff coming back our way so she now brings an outfit from her mum’s to change into. All the kids are younger than your SC and all are capable of both bringing their own stuff between houses, and all know that if they forget something at the ‘wrong’ house it means they don’t have it at the other house and that’s just life 🤷‍♀️ I know MN advocates mollycoddling DC (esp DSC) until they’re ready to draw a pension but our lot have so far avoided needing intensive therapy due to the horror of having to take a modicum of responsibility for themselves 👍

In your shoes I’d just buy basics and let them wear whatever they come from mum’s in. Drop your standards - you can’t force someone to care more than they do. But I also wouldn’t be funding the nice expensive stuff for mum’s house.

So stop buying the best clothes.

You're an evil stepmother on MN if you dare question anything that the childrens mum does......

Of course they can. They can change as soon as they arrive home.

RTFT means Read through the f*ING thread.

Basically the jist is that if the mum is going to refuse to return any clothes, then the girls will need to learn to pack and bring clothes with them as OP isn't an endless pot of money.

I have no idea what RTFT means. I feel genuinely sorry for these kids and how they’re being treated. It’s completely wrong.

Ah, yes, I see your meaning. yes I was speaking more generally with the discipline listing- but it's another common flaw attributed to bio mums on these threads. In this case, you are right, it was the stained and ripped clothing. It's weird, because I know few mothers who actually run a line in keeping their children in stained or ripped clothing. The occasional grass stain happens of course.