Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

Same plan I have with my ex. Whatever my son comes to my home in is washed and ready for him Sunday night when I take him back.

This is your SD's problem and you should make it clear to them. They know what they are doing, or they don't care. Either way, they aren't toddlers any longer. If they show up in rags, that's their weekend clothes. This isn't mean, it's consequence.

My ex was great at hanging on to anything new or nice.

When the dc were young enough to need someone else sorting their clothes, I just packed things that were on their way out anyway - perfectly clean & acceptable, but their oldest & smallest items. That way, I didn’t lose sleep over keeping track of whether I got stuff back.

He was welcome to take them shopping, & then keep whatever he bought at his place for future visits.

Once the dc got old enough to want to wear their nicest, newest clothes all the time, that became their responsibility: sadly they learned very quickly that if they let their new hoody or jeans be put ‘in the wash’ by their father, they wouldn’t be getting it back to take home & would next see it on their next visit - & I wouldn’t be replacing it.

I did a lot of charity shop shopping, so there was always a decent stock of clothes they could wear.

As they are teenagers, I’d say you hand over the reins to your dsds. Give them a clothing allowance to spend on whatever they like, & they can bring whatever they like with them EOW.

If they want to take clothes back to their mum’s, it’s for them to ensure they either pack them dirty to be washed when they get home, or wash them in time for them to be dry. If they want to leave stuff at their dad’s between visits, that’s fine: otherwise, you’ll make sure there’s the basics, but if they haven’t packed anything nice & they’ve spent the allowance, they’ll just have to wear the basics!

It's all good training for future holidays, Uni etc anyway - my 3 were all excellent packers by 12.

I don’t really know what the solution is here but reading your post brought back a wave of anxiety from my own childhood! I had this where clothes belonged to the house and btw both my parents were convinced “theirs” were going missing and they were spending more money than the other. I would get very stressed out when i couldn’t find something to return to the right house. I appreciate I haven’t been on your side but really none of this is that important compared to stress it can have on children already dealing with having divorced parents who don’t get on. Given the ages surely they will be sorting their own clothes soon enough so at worst you’ve got another year or 2 of dealing with this. It stopped being a problem for us anyway once I was in my teens and managed my own clothes

My daughters ex used to do this when the children were younger , they never came in their eg adidas sports wear they’d arrive in scruffy clothes , my daughter would buy decent stuff and the kids took it home to ex but they would never return in the new clothes only scruffy clothes . It was just another type of control from ex but unfair to the children .

Yeah we had similar exh wanted to keep clothes separate so we did but I think he found his clothes didn’t get worn much as they only went eow. So in end they just wore what ever.

Yes, I agree. The kids should have control over where they bring / leave the clothes so they can have what they want at whatever house. Then there is extra surplus clothing left at Dads house in case they want to swap clothes out or need spares or forget something.

I think this makes most sense at their ages.

Yes - or choose some things they want to leave at op's, as it suits them.

But I don't think it is on to insist on how this operates. I'd use the "Oh, don't worry if you've forgotten, you can borrow "my" [primark hoodie bought for exactly this.] I don't honestly think it will continue long ... and if it does, what does it matter?

I would do as some PPs have suggested and ask the girls what they would prefer. I think if you said they bring a bag each time and in exchange you'd take them out on a couple of good shopping trips a year to kit out their wardrobes for both houses they'd probably be happy. The risk is though they 'forget' their bags in order to encourage another shopping trip :-D So worth having some non-exciting basics to hand too (some leggings, t-shirts, tops etc).

But when they arrive they are in school uniform.

Do you mean that the girls just bring a bag with what they want for the weekend? Because that's exactly what the OP is suggesting? So the OP has no issues providing clothes and she doesn't care where they go but the girls need to be responsible for packing a weekend bag and then there is just basics (pj's, socks, pj's, toiletries) left in the OPs house for good measure.

No, I said if they arrive with nothing clean, they can "borrow" something from the op. These don't really need to be her own things, she can but a few cheap items expressly for the purpose. Then leaving them when they leave becomes a natural step, and nothing to do with "your clothes for here and your clothes for there."

They won't like borrowing things they have not chosen for themselves for long. The girls will manage the solution themselves. And even if they do like borrowing, that will be what OP bought them for anyway.

My teen dd just lives in jogging bottoms T shirt and hoodie. Easily purchased in Primark or cheap on Vinted.

I’d just keep those items in stock at home, and tell the sdc if they want any other clothes then please pack a small overnight bag.

Do you also keep supplies of makeup toiletries etc for them? That can get pricey too

Well not really... because they still.lose.clothing every week? Whether its from Primark or Prada doesn't matter....

Well I've given my suggestion, which I think obviates these concerns you have outlined.

Which is why the OP offering to lend "her" clothes (and they need not be her actual clothes; she could buy them for this purpose) is a good solution.

Instead of a here and there of clothes, it takes that out of the equation, and, if anything, helps the girls feel included and cared for. There will be no question of getting more clothes, as they know they will have the chance to borrow if they forget. If they are not a perfect fit, so much the better - as the girls will increasingly want their clothes to look a certain way in the coming years. But they will be clean and decent in the op's eyes, and the girls will be dressed.

Tell me you haven't encountered this problem without telling me.

I am the poster who has mentioned the price of constantly having to replace clothes. We actually had to get court orders and soxial services involved because even though my DH had 50/50 and was also paying fairly toward costs (50% of afterschool, 50% of back to school, 100% of extracurricular sports because they fell on our time, 100% of birthdays because mum wouldn't contribute, each did their own Christmas)... we kept our own stash of clothing but as SS arrived in uniform and went home every single weekend in clothes we bought but we're never returned we physically couldn't afford it anymore. We were in debt... we had to choose cheap clothes or a cheap dinner. I would have loved if we had the price of 2 Costa coffees. My SS is now 14 and 6ft4... size 14 shoe... even from Primark a trousers and jumper would be costing £30 a go.

We 100% do not have an issue with him taking clothes that DH or I purchased and wearing them at his mums house, and vice versa. He often will wear trainers over and a different pair back... I don't care once there is sufficient clothing at each house.

His mum isn't allowed (court ordered and police ordered) to speak to us outside of email for completely different reasons, but in the main we don't have issues with her parenting and certainly not with things like washing etc. Certainly when he was younger she just wasn't buying him clothes and relying on us. But now, I genuinely think she doesn't pass any head on his clothes because he always has some at her house (combination of bought by her and bought by us) so it isn't an issue for her... just us.

Thankfully we now pick up from school and drop back to school, so it's not such an issue anymore. We will still inevitably lose anything he wears on Bank Holidays and a few outfits throughout the year depending on how Xmas, Summer and Easter breaks fall but it's not every single week anymore.

Are you certain it’s not the SD forgetting the clothes so they will get new clothes out of you?

Clothes dont belong to the house!!! They belong to the child that they were intended/purchased for!
Surely they can just bring a bag of 'their' clothes when they come to stay every other weekend and you carry on washing etc ALL their clothes that they bring.
Ask the girls what they want to do.

She is neither too soft, nor a mug. If they have the children a portion of the time, any washing required is their job not the mum's. When you are parenting, you are parenting. Putting a couple of laundry loads through EOW is hardly being used as a mug in a blended family situation.

I think posts like @Ihategin 's get too readily dismissed by the "oh MN just hates SM" throwaway comments. But the truth is the situation needs compromises, sacrifices and a lot of swallowing your own annoyance for the sake of the children. Their mum is doubtless doing the same up to a point.

Nevertheless, the OP admits their DF and DM are not on good terms. She has made plenty of negative comments about the mum's choice of clothing, snidey quote marks around clothes being "accidentally" left behind, disses about the mum's laundering, and an atmosphere of resentment and unpleasantness between the two households comes through clearly in her posts.

It is neither being soft nor a mug to try to limit all this bitterness. In fact, it is a responsibility.

The truth is, comments about households going bankrupt is exaggeration for the sake of being eristic. All that is really required are a few back-up items that could be bought from Primark for the price of a Costa coffee or two. The op could even say they were her own and offer to lend them if - if - and when the girls actually find themselves without anything to wear, which I suspect is not really that often. And it will only happen once or twice before the girls find a solution of their own.

This is essentially a mountain being made out of a molehill driven by resentment the girls get to use clothes at their mum's that were bought by the Dad.

Sounds like your stepsons arrived in uniform after school on a Friday and returned to 'school' in clean uniforms on a Monday. Which is great, as the clothes u have at your home, stay at your home. I guess if they were arriving in clothes that didnt fit or were ripped etc, and u went out and bought 'new' clothes, then they went home to mums wearing the new clothes, then returned to you, again in clothes that are too small and ripped - and u didnt see the the new clothes till mths later when they were too small or ripped, i guess u would be a bit miffed too.

I havnt read all replies so not sure if this has already bern mentioned, but I would, wash the clothes that they arrive in, then put them back on them on a Sunday to return home in ...

It would be frustrating if you go out and buy new clothes never for them to be seen again. Its not a case of this house that house clothes, but the principle that ur spending good money on good clothes that u dont see again... I totally get it.

This. Just don’t do the shopping. Tell them you can’t afford it and they need to pack a bag.

When the on request shopping trips stop, I suspect so will this issue?

maybe you should downgrade your importance in looking smart? X

My DD is 13. We have fully and amicably shared custody, no maintenance paid by either side for this reason, thought for school and work reasons she currently spends slightly more time at her dad's.

Her clothes, like all of her possessions, are seen to belong to her, not the house, and she freely traanports things between her two homes as and when she sees fit.

Her dad has a lot more money than me, and therefore buys the majority of her clothing I would say, though my family and I often buy her things too, as and when.

Her dad finds it challenging to buy her stuff like bras and pants, understandably, so that side falls to me generally, which is fine.

However I have recently become slightly frustrated, as their house seems like a black hole in which underwear goes to die! My mom and I spend a small fortune on knickers and bras for DD (she has some slight sensory issues and so is picky about the type of fabrics she will wear regarding these items - fair enough!). I spoke to her about it this weekend and she said she has asked her dad about this, as she too feels they disappear when put in the laundry. I wonder if he is using the wrong cycles, and wrecking and binning them....

The solutions my mom and I have come up with are:
A) to give DD more responsibility for her own laundry in both homes (she is fully capable of this).
B) that I give her an annual clothing allowance, to incentivise her to prioritise care for these items, to a certain extent. Plus it's always good to encourage independence and help them learn budgeting skills.

(Obviously if she actually runs out of both knickers and money, I will step in - but I would like her to take more responsibility if possible).

Sorry, that became a big ramble about my own situation!

If I were you OP, I would recommend to your partner that the kids take responsibility for their own clothing and are allowed to move it between houses, and that you give them a clothing allowance of whatever seems sensible. If they are anything like my daughter, they will give going shopping relatively often with friends, and are old enough to know what they need clothing-wisw, and when. I am going to give DD's in the form of Primark vouchers, as that seems to be her clothes shop of choice!

If my kids were going away for the weekend I would expect to pack clothes for them. It just seems a bit lazy and thoughtless on their Mum's part.

Btw I also understand from an Aunty perspective. We had one of our dear nieces a LOT for a few years, my DPs niece.

Usually every other weekend , a week each holiday and so on. Far more than normal. we were also helping out with food as we’d go there and no food and paying the rent at times.

It was costing us a fortune so we had to economise by not having a holiday, cheaper foods and so on just to afford it all.

She was always sent to us with a bag of clothes that didn’t fit, for example an aged 4 top when she was 13. One time she came over bare footed and mum said shoes were in bag, there were no shoes! So I’d give her an old T-shirt of mine to sleep in and we’d go to sainsburys or somewhere to buy her clothes the next day. It was beyond anything we could afford.

the last time we did it we did it like you are suggesting. We did a £150 clothes shop for everything she needed for the next 6 months. plus some bits next size up plus gave mum the money for next terms school uniform. I took her and paid for it all out of my own money as I’d had her for three weeks alone as DP was working away. Was only supposed to be a week but mum said she was too busy and not home so I couldn’t drop her back.

My DP dropped her home eventually and made it clear we couldn’t help as much as we had been and next time please just pack some of the clothes we had just bought.

We were never allowed to have her again overnight. I’ve seen her four times since then and that’s over 8 years ago and I used to have her every other weekend. I’m still very hurt. My DP was really low for a long time. I am NC with all of his family nowadays to protect myself.

She’s all grown up now with a job and car so I’m hoping one day she might come and visit.

so it’s all emotional mind games, very upsetting.

Why are you washing clothes for them?
If they have any dirty clothes they should be sent home with them. It is their mother's problem not yours.
I would also asked for that they provide spare knickers socks etc.

You are too soft. They are using you as a mug.