Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

Would you stick to the pre arranged six months?

Jesus Christ. Give her a hand. I hope you’re planning for some of your savings to go towards your care when you are older because if you can’t help your daughter and your family when they need it why should they help you? Be realistic - they won’t want to live with you forever. Surely they’ll suss any type of talk of you setting boundaries etc and know you don’t really want them there and you’ll ruin your relationship. I’m so glad my parents are not like this.

Huge Congratulations bit of you. Obviously you’ll need to accelerate the house search as realistically you’ll want to be moved in by the time you are 7ish months - obviously you can’t live here with a baby’. End of!

That sums it up quite well. I wouldn’t go as far as saying it’s a disaster because it can be sorted, but, it is something that needs sorting out, there are lots of issues, so it can’t just be celebrated and seen as a fully positive thing. That would be fake and very naive.

I really want better for my children. I don’t want them to struggle, to have to do things like get a house before they’re actually ready because they had a child unplanned and before they could provide,

My oldest is 22. He is a university, we support him financially and will continue to do so whilst he’s in education. We are very much here for him. But if he ends up having a child soon, I would expect him to get himself into a position to provide for his child fully, as parents should, and sharpish. There is no point romanticising it.

I think you should tell your daughter that you’re unabls
to accommodate them. If they’re ready for a baby they need to stand on their own feet

We ended up in a similar situation and were worried for similar reasons but ended up loving it. I’m really grateful for the time we had together supporting dd as a new mum and helping with the baby.

If anything I struggled when they left (I bit my tongue and wished them well but really missed having them here).

This is so sad, this whole thread actually. There are some awful comments on here. Some of you are such dragons, life doesn’t always go to plan, you’re supposed to support your children. Yes once they’re 18 they’re adults, but does your duty of care/support as their mother end there? Because mine certainly wouldn’t.

You are less than excited regarding the circumstances of your daughter's pregnancy, rather than not being excited about being a Nanny/Grandma. You know from the experience of bringing up 3 children, that being a parent, and especially a first time one, is bloody hard work.

You need to sit down with your daughter, her boyfriend and your husband and speak to them about their plans. What are their expectations? How are they going to pay their way living with you, saving up a deposit to move and provide for a baby? You and your husband (prior to the talk with your daughter) need to have clear ideas on what you expect from them and what childcare/help you are willing to provide. Together, all 4 of you need to thrash out a plan.

Can your daughter's boyfriend put going self-employed on hold until the baby is older and find an employer instead, as this will be more stable? If your daughter isn't going to be entitled to much maternity pay/leave, then she needs to have clear plans in place to go back to work. In turn that means, the baby may need to go to nursery.

Equally, if you and your husband decide that your daughter, her boyfriend and grandchild, living with you isn't a viable option, you have to be honest with them both now.

Your situation is very different, your MIL was very supportive of you living with her rent free even if it was long term. You are also from a religious/cultural background where being parents being financially supportive to their adult DC isn't unusual. This is not the cultural norm for most white British people.

I agree there's a HUGE difference between an emergency situation and a 'oh mum and dad will sort us out' situation.

I really think you need to have what will be quite a difficult conversation OP.

I think it will be really hard to explain your perspective without telling them that having a baby, a toddler, a child, a tween, a teen is actually really fucking exhausting - much much more exhausting than they realise, which is fine, because they only have to deal with one bit at a time.

BUT critically important it's also cumulatively exhausting, so by the time you have sent a post-teen out into the world you really have not much else left to give.

And as much as you love them, you are not prepared to start again, other than as close grandparents, which means not living together but perhaps 1 day a week childcare.

Jesus.

OP - you are absolutely allowed to feel how you feel, but like I said you should not stop looking after your child when they turn 18, they are for life. Your DD will remember how you treated her when pregnant so please remember that. She might not have these things in place now but there’s nothing to say she won’t in a year.

I am leaving this thread with a new-found thankfulness that I do not have some of these comments as parents 🥴

I also disagree that when you have children, you have to look after them for life. In my culture, the elderly get priority. Why not? They are tired and ill. The young are strong.

I will be taking my own mum in next year perhaps, so I won"t be free to look after any grandbabies full time, as I told my kids. People who go on about cultures that value family support never realise that it goes both ways. It's not always about housing your kids, it's also about housing your mum! And everyone has a certain responsibility.😉

You’re not excited because it’s not particularly exciting. To put it bluntly it’s a disaster. 21, unmarried, no home of her own. It’s hardly optimum conditions for having a baby is it? Many people wouldn’t continue the pregnancy under such circumstances. Thats not to say that she shouldn’t, but it’s hardly good news is it?

If the OP is talking about getting her pension at 60 then it must be a private pension, as state retirement age, when you start to get state pension, is 67. For the state pension you automatically get credited with NI for the years you get child benefit up to age 12. So presumably OP needs to work whatever years are needed in her private pension scheme.

Exactly! She’s old enough to make that decision and she has to weigh up the practicalities of that decision, not just expect everyone else to help

OP I was in a very similar position 2.5 years ago. I was furious however the baby was born and that first year was one of the best of my life. He’s now a fabulous little toddler, not living with me anymore and I cherish those memories.

If the daughter has chosen to keep the baby then she should also be responsible for having enough income to live decently on and provide housing for her child.
People should not have children they can't afford to support.

I would be genuinely appalled and I wouldn't be alone in that view.
I think it is extremely presumptuous of them if they think that they are entitled to bring a baby into the house.
They clearly are not in any position financially to have a child and you are absolutely entitled to not want to go back to having this responsibility.
Boundaries are fine to talk about but very difficult to enforce if they are all living in your house.

I think encouraging them to move out would be wise.
They wont want that.
Babysitter on tap in the shape of mum.
Nightmare stuff OP.

I wasn't the least maternal pre my own children and had zero support raising mine.
I absolutely gave my all to rearing them.
I have zero interest in grandchildren fullstop, much less having a baby in the house again.
In my 60's now and I am so over that.

The parents brought them up and financially supported them because they had to? It is their job as parents? Yes OP has a choice to support her child now but if my parents had turned me away in that moment I would absolutely never speak to them again. Ironically we had quite a turbulent relationship growing up, but it was truly their support after I became pregnant that mended our relationship.

A grandchild is not an extension of me.

They are a separate human being, who deserves to be brought into this world only in decent circumstances by people who have considered their needs and are in a stable position to care for them.

Not two fools who have not managed to use effective contraception, who have made bad decisions about work (self employment), who have not managed their own housing and who are now standing at mummy's door expecting her to clear up their mess and do the work for them.

It isn’t a ‘Major time of need’ though. It’s a situation which is caused by them being irresponsible and expecting the parent to pick up the pieces.

If they choose to continue with the pregnancy, then they need to come up with a plan

My parents allowed this with a strict caveat that they had to move elsewhere by time baby was 6 months. They are stil there and youngest nephew is almost 2 (2 kids). My mum does more parenting than acting as a grandparent. She is a martyr though whereas my dad isn't. It does create arguments amongst them as they had no help when we were little and he wanted this time for them to enjoy as they are mortgage free and everyone else has moved out. As it stands she gets tired doing nights with kids and still working. It affects their relationships with their other children ( me included too). They don't come up to see us as dn can't sleep without my mum and my sister and bil have just got used to mum and dad picking up their slack. It isn't a level playing field for the grandkids as the ones that live there see grandparents home as theirs.

I have no help at all with my 3. I make scarifices for them yet I chose to have them so I don't feel sorry for myself. Dh and I work around each other. I do not want to parent my grandchildren should I have any. Should they live near us we would be happy to do adhoc childcare but I'm knee-deep in parenting and once I've raised mine to adulthood I don't want to do it again. At some point kids grow into adults and need to take responsibility for themselves and their choices.

It's up to you what you decide.

Yes make sure they knew the move out date is the same.

I am Asian. It's generally very different for us. thank goodness.
No babies before marriage, no babies you can't support, no dramatically going NC with your mum either. I am 100% confident my kids won't abandon me.

They need to find somewhere else to live. I'd support in helping with that but them with a baby would absolutely not be living under my roof.