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Original poster

Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

641 replies

FirstNight · 22/03/2026 19:43

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/03/2026 18:18

Hereforthecommentz · 23/03/2026 18:17

I imagine they will get the free childcare from 9 months if they both work so op won't need to help out in that regard.

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Doesn’t sound like working (certainly enough to afford childcare) is too much of a priority

Hereforthecommentz · 23/03/2026 18:17

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/03/2026 15:47

This is something that OP's daughter and her boyfriend will need to work out. OP works full time so won't be able to provide any childcare.

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I imagine they will get the free childcare from 9 months if they both work so op won't need to help out in that regard.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/03/2026 18:14

millit · 23/03/2026 18:00

Same here. This thread makes me really grateful for my parents!

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Not everyone wants to have to deal with an irresponsible immature couple who expect others to pick up from their crappy choices

catchingup1 · 23/03/2026 18:13

Netcurtainnelly · 23/03/2026 09:53

Contraception can Fail.

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Abstinence is an option. It is free as well!

LarsenBiceshelf · 23/03/2026 18:09

There's a huge difference between loving your children and being supportive of them, and inviting a whole second family to come and live in your small house when you're near retirement, way past the sleepless nights, still working full time, and know you'll be roped into tons of baby care. That's especially the case when you know that letting said family stay is basically enabling your daughter to make a poor life choice.

It's probably time to sit your daughter down and go through the practicalities of nursery fees, work and how she and her boyfriend will be supporting this new life. The idea of a baby can be a lot more attractive than the reality!

millit · 23/03/2026 18:00

ObliviousCoalmine · 22/03/2026 20:54

Christ, these replies. Do you all really just only give a shit until they turn 18 and then they’re on their own? Someone actually said “tell them they’re not welcome”. I cannot think of any time in my 40+ years of living when I wasn’t welcome at my parents house. I could turn up in the next ten minutes with a suitcase and they’d put the kettle on.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves, or at the very least, not be surprised when your kids don’t bother to come to see you more than twice a year.

Same here. This thread makes me really grateful for my parents!

Solutionssought2026 · 23/03/2026 17:43

Or as I said 17 pages ago mummy sticking her nose in might be exactly the kind of motivation they need to move out quickly. It’s certainly worked for me.

catchingup1 · 23/03/2026 17:25

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/03/2026 17:21

I doubt they will though - they just expect the OP to pick up the slack. Ironically if they were mature enough to have a child, they would be mature enough to understand why it’s a bad idea at the moment

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It will fall on OP not the DH or the boyfriends parents. DD will no doubt expect a lot of support from OP.

They are excited because they know OP will pick up the slack.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/03/2026 17:21

catchingup1 · 23/03/2026 17:19

I didn't have children in order to abandon them when they need me as adults.

It is not just black and white. OP can support them while they live elsewhere. This does not mean abandoning them. It is worth the DD and boyfriend asking themselves why they are having this child.

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I doubt they will though - they just expect the OP to pick up the slack. Ironically if they were mature enough to have a child, they would be mature enough to understand why it’s a bad idea at the moment

catchingup1 · 23/03/2026 17:19

ThisDandySquid · 23/03/2026 17:17

Your concerns are understandable. However.. I would explain that they might find it difficult becoming a new family in someone else's home and I'd offer to help them find a new place. What I wouldn't do is make them feel they, and my new grandbaby, are unwelcome. I didn't have children in order to abandon them when they need me as adults. Some of the advice here would damage your relationship irreparably.

I didn't have children in order to abandon them when they need me as adults.

It is not just black and white. OP can support them while they live elsewhere. This does not mean abandoning them. It is worth the DD and boyfriend asking themselves why they are having this child.

ThisDandySquid · 23/03/2026 17:17

Your concerns are understandable. However.. I would explain that they might find it difficult becoming a new family in someone else's home and I'd offer to help them find a new place. What I wouldn't do is make them feel they, and my new grandbaby, are unwelcome. I didn't have children in order to abandon them when they need me as adults. Some of the advice here would damage your relationship irreparably.

catchingup1 · 23/03/2026 17:16

Wingingit73 · 23/03/2026 17:15

Id help with a house deposit or new lease deposit. Say no space for 3 but be excited. If you're really not dont show it. You'll never repair the damage

Funds to help...we not in a position to fund rent/deposits unfortunately.

Try reading the OP's posts. Currently there are only two.

catchingup1 · 23/03/2026 17:15

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 16:43

Well we know nothing about the BF's side relatives... If he has any. If would be good if OP clarified that. If there are any, they certainly should step in too, so is OP's husband.

I might have missed the part when it says they are excited - but normally it's quite mixed feelings, even in better circumstances. And as they are so young they may not even fully understand what they are getting themselves into

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They are old enough to have sex so old enough to face the consequences of that decision.

Let's be realistic, most of the burden is likely to fall on the OP. It usually falls on women.

Wingingit73 · 23/03/2026 17:15

Id help with a house deposit or new lease deposit. Say no space for 3 but be excited. If you're really not dont show it. You'll never repair the damage

Poetnojo · 23/03/2026 17:13

Twitchie · 23/03/2026 15:50

Well, that’s not true. Women have been having children at this age throughout human history but you’re saying none of them had anything to offer whatsoever?

They have 21 years more life experience than the child they gave birth to and circumstances vary. Not sure why you couldn’t have a job, either.

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Totally agree, why do we, as a society, seem to infantilize grown adults these days? I think there's an awful lot of projection on this thread.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/03/2026 16:48

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/03/2026 16:45

From the OP.

''Now today we have an excited couple informing us that they are pregnant''.

That is a reason why my back would be up and potentially a reason why OP's back is up as well.

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Exactly. And what if the bloke leaves? Little money, baby, living at the inlaws - not the best situation.

If they are determined to have the child then the least they can do ensure they can support it

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/03/2026 16:45

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 16:43

Well we know nothing about the BF's side relatives... If he has any. If would be good if OP clarified that. If there are any, they certainly should step in too, so is OP's husband.

I might have missed the part when it says they are excited - but normally it's quite mixed feelings, even in better circumstances. And as they are so young they may not even fully understand what they are getting themselves into

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From the OP.

''Now today we have an excited couple informing us that they are pregnant''.

That is a reason why my back would be up and potentially a reason why OP's back is up as well.

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 16:43

catchingup1 · 23/03/2026 16:36

Maybe they should be worried rather than so excited about the pregnancy in that case?

If the boyfriend gets 2-3 jobs then that might go more towards paying the bills. If she is early in pregnancy then maybe she can get some other work too.

What about the boyfriends parents or grandparents? Maybe everyone can chip in for the happy couple.

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Well we know nothing about the BF's side relatives... If he has any. If would be good if OP clarified that. If there are any, they certainly should step in too, so is OP's husband.

I might have missed the part when it says they are excited - but normally it's quite mixed feelings, even in better circumstances. And as they are so young they may not even fully understand what they are getting themselves into

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 16:37

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/03/2026 16:33

That’s up to the daughter but I would be disappointed that she wasn’t mature enough to think twice about it

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Of course it's disappointing and it's not great this happened! But I guess OP (and her husband!) still needs to figure out some sort of help of them. What else could they do?

catchingup1 · 23/03/2026 16:36

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 15:59

Ok even if he gets a full time job. How much would he be paid at 21? It's unlikely to cover all - given they need to cover rent, other bills, food, the new baby etc.

What will happen after OP's daughter finishes her maternity leave? How will they pay for the nursery considering it's not free?

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Maybe they should be worried rather than so excited about the pregnancy in that case?

If the boyfriend gets 2-3 jobs then that might go more towards paying the bills. If she is early in pregnancy then maybe she can get some other work too.

What about the boyfriends parents or grandparents? Maybe everyone can chip in for the happy couple.

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 16:35

ldnmusic87 · 23/03/2026 16:32

I'm surprised people are sympathising with a couple so clueless.

Well I am not in their shoes (thankfully) but I do feel sorry for them. It's unlikely this happened on purpose. But it's already happened... At 21 they are basically still kids in my eyes, and they potently *ucked up their own life.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/03/2026 16:34

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 16:29

Well it probably was not planned. The OP's daughter could be quite lost and overwhelmed with hormones right now...

However how could she work? If she goes off maternity leave she needs to pay for the nursery - that's quite a lot! And I think even if her BF gets employed again a young person's salary is unlikely to cover all they need, considering rent.

It's tough! I guess the OP has no other choice but to let them in so they can at least not to pay rent. What else it to do here?

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Personally, I'd expect them to use UC to get back on their feet which offers help with housing and childcare costs from 9 months.

If OP wants to stick with the original agreement, fair enough but I'd be making sure they are fully aware that it will be 6 months and 6 months only as originally agreed.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/03/2026 16:33

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 16:29

Well it probably was not planned. The OP's daughter could be quite lost and overwhelmed with hormones right now...

However how could she work? If she goes off maternity leave she needs to pay for the nursery - that's quite a lot! And I think even if her BF gets employed again a young person's salary is unlikely to cover all they need, considering rent.

It's tough! I guess the OP has no other choice but to let them in so they can at least not to pay rent. What else it to do here?

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That’s up to the daughter but I would be disappointed that she wasn’t mature enough to think twice about it

ldnmusic87 · 23/03/2026 16:32

I'm surprised people are sympathising with a couple so clueless.

Comfortable8520 · 23/03/2026 16:29

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/03/2026 16:17

Well, maybe it is something they should have considered before deciding to have a baby or if it wasn't planned, maybe thinking a bit more about if it is the right time rather than turning up to OP grinning from ear to ear expecting her to magically fix everything.

Maybe OP's DD needs to have a shorter maternity leave to help pay any bills or take a 2nd job during school holidays if she's term time only
Maybe the boyfriend needs to halt his self employed plans and work 1-2 jobs
Maybe they need to claim UC so they can receive childcare help

OP has bills to pay too. What is she supposed to do?

Edited
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Well it probably was not planned. The OP's daughter could be quite lost and overwhelmed with hormones right now...

However how could she work? If she goes off maternity leave she needs to pay for the nursery - that's quite a lot! And I think even if her BF gets employed again a young person's salary is unlikely to cover all they need, considering rent.

It's tough! I guess the OP has no other choice but to let them in so they can at least not to pay rent. What else it to do here?