AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

Children shouldn’t see adults drunk it has a profoundly damaging impact on them. So it doesn’t have to be something awful that has happened around alcohol it could just be she understandably dislikes seeing adults drunk

You’ve been given some really sensible advice already but I’d definitely nip this in the bud asap. I’ve got both bio children and a stepdaughter & I think many of us feel more cautious with & pussy foot around with our step kids than we do with biological children, it’s a tougher balancing act. I think I’d sit down with her & DH & just really try gently to get to the bottom of where this is all coming from. Is this something that she’s just picked up from the media/playground that alcohol is wrong or is it something she has direct experience of?

If you have a good relationship with her Mum, it might also be worth discussing this with her and whether SD is experiencing any other signs of anxiety? And if there is a pattern, perhaps talk to her school about what kind of support they can offer.

🤣🤣🤣 none of her business. Why does she think it’s her place to say stuff like this? Fair enough trying to have a conversation with her about it but l wouldn’t be complying.

that's what i thought.....

Why did you marry into such annoyance?
Tell him deal with his child and that you have no intention of discussing this again or being dictated too by some 10 year old madam, anxiety or not.
She will only get a lot worse.
Stop entertaining her.
What on earth were you thinking marrying into such a shit show?

Does her mother drink to excess when she is at her home. Could she be a secret drinker and it upsets your dsd, but out of loyalty to her mother hasn’t told anyone ?

This is what you take from the OP? Seriously?

Fears around 'something bad happening' if you have a drink, feeling unsafe and wanting reassurance that you will never do it again, might be symptomatic of OCD. I had similar obsessive fears as a child and obviously at that age did not understand what was happening to me, so I became very withdrawn at times.

She is being very rude and controlling,. She needs to be properly told off and put in her place or she will turn into a very unpleasant adult.

How are her parents actually dealing with her anxiety, is she seeing a professional? Is she quite black and white about rules, give and take, how things need to happen in general?

I do think some children find it quite unsettling when parents (or parental figures) have altered behaviour, which can happen when tipsy etc., so it may be she’s just very sensitive to that. Obviously that doesn’t mean you have to comply with her request but it’s perhaps coming from a place of being anxious.

She is being silly, as you are well aware so explain to her ONCE calmly that you are a very careful drinker, never have too much and that she must not worry.

Then enjoy your two glasses of wine. What you drink is not her business as long as you are sober enough to take care of her.

Does she do this to her Dad (or anyone else) or is it just you?
Is there anything that explains her objection/ fear?

Whilst it would be useful to get to the bottom of where this came from, I definitely don't think you should obey and pander to her. Not getting drunk fair enough (though you don't) but allowing her to control you with hectoring and moods is not the answer. She's only 10 and if she learns that is what works then God help you in the teenage years every time she wants her own way.

Kids don't get to tell adults what to do .

Any issues refer her to her father. No idea why people are indulging this . And then to sulk or tantrum . Even if she does turn out to have autism , there are situations and boundaries that she does not get to dictate . I come from an empathetic point re autism as I worked with people . They have to be able to reasonablely negotiate the world they have to live in. As a stepmom I would let her parents deal with this . And clear expectations on holiday should be explained. Imagine if she behaved like that ? No matter what is going on with her this behavior is not acceptable.

I am going to be flamed for this but just a different opinion. I don't need any nasty personal comments . You can just disagree.

Funnily enough my DD went through this phase at a similar age and would get distressed when I would drink socially. She was later diagnosed with autism. She’s got over herself now thank goodness!

Whilst she might have a scary drunk in her life, she may also not. My DDs seem to think that the one alcoholic drink I have, perhaps once a month, is a sign that I am a raging alcoholic. I think that must come from school.

I forgot to add, that however irrational they are, I wouldn’t dismiss her worries, but try to rationalise them. For example, if she has a healthy, varied diet with the occasional treat, tell her it’s just like that. Sugar /takeaways in excess can cause health problems, however one once in a while makes no difference in the moment, or long term.

Someone needs to get to the bottom of her anxiety or beliefs about alcohol.

If she thinks something bad is going to happen, all her “moods” and “controlling” is fear.

At a similar age my son found out alcohol is a poison, he was worried about our motives and what could happen if we drank too much. We spoke facts.

It sounds like there is another adult in her life who is scarey when drunk. Do you know anything about her mum's partners since breaking up with her dad?

It's not reasonable for a 10yo to control the drinking habits of any adult. However she clearly needs help and she's not going to just be rationalised-out of this anxiety. It would be unreasonable to take her on holiday and drink before having found a way to give her psychological support and help to cope with and not feel threatened by adults drinking responsibly

With anxiety, the worst thing you can do is avoid the source of anxiety, so you're actually not helping her if you stop drinking. That she feels like this is certainly something to help her with though.

Does she have very sensitive hearing? My son does and you unexpectedly talking louder than normal near him would be unpleasant for him. I don't think you should stop drinking around her, but I do think you and DH have responsibility to find out why she made the request. Something about you drinking upsets her, and just leaving it as something that happens, but upsets her each time is not ok.

Is the drinking alcohol related to all adults or just you? Is she OK with her Dad or Mum having an alcoholic drink? Does her Mum have a partner? It could be something as simple as witnessing a relative drunk at a social occasion or being taught about the perils of alcohol at school?

You mention that your step-daughter suffers from anxiety. Is she having any therapy to help her cope with her anxieties? This alcohol issue is something that needs to be mentioned to her therapist (if she's seeing one). Does she display controlling behaviour in other ways? Control is often a way that people try to cope with anxiety.

Your step-daughter mentions that alcohol being consumed around her, makes her feel unsafe. I wonder if she has witnessed someone drunk...Mum, Mum's partner (if she has one), another family member? This isn't something that your husband is necessarily going to know about. Perhaps the person was loud/aggressive/fell over etc?

I think you and your husband need to sit your step-daughter down and try to probe her on why she feels unsafe if alcohol is consumed around her. Having 2 glasses of wine doesn't constitute to being drunk. I also think you are correct to not pander to your step-daughter's demands that you don't drink at all.

“I feel unsafe” sounds to me like something she might have picked up from school lessons about mental health and feelings, and she’s now slightly weaponising it.

No way would a child dictate whether I have a glass of wine with my dinner. Whatever she’s been taught about alcohol is worrying, and she needs her dad to have a word with her.

A friend of a friend’s daughter (who I think probably is autistic, although equally a lot of her behaviours could be explained by the way she’s been parented) is like that about tattoos and piercings. I have both and have endured three social events now at which she’s primly berated me for them.