AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

Given what you have said about her maternal family and social events it does sound like there is some anxiety and worry around alcohol. I’d be amazed if there hasn’t been at least one incident where she has felt worried or frightened about a family member or someone else being drunk. It may not have seemed like a big deal to the adults or her brother but may have for her.

It’s important to try and manage this sensitively and her parents need to get her some support asap. It’s not fair to leave this unaddressed and still continue to drink in front of her. She can’t help how she feels and whether this is about alcohol or control, she clearly needs some help.

Does she mind if DH drinks?

YANBU by the way.

Does she trust you OP? Like truly , trust you? Are you one of her safe people?

What about her dad? Does she want him to give up too?

It's about control and anxiety. It's not about you being a drunk - which I don't believe you are.

PDA may be relevant here. Need to control is pervasive.

No relevance to the post, OP wasn’t drunk.

OP YANBU, you done nothing even remotely unreasonable.

This is exactly what I came to say. My own child has this same fixation with control of others. I don't drink but there would often be something, along with fears and anxieties.

He's now diagnosed autistic.

I make it clear that he is not going to dictate certain things he wants me to stop ( harmless things!), like singing one line to a song I like.

Its good to ask exactly why they feel this way. Dig down and let her explain and feel seen and heard. You can offer this and still continue to drink. You can re assure regarding addictive behaviour - and that is not you. That people are different and some have less ability to manage drinking. You are not that person.

That's absurd. There is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine. Why on earth would the OP bow to a 10 year-old's irrational demands?

Definitely can't let a 10 year old dictate but it does sound like black & white thinking, maybe using some 'social stories' with pictures would reassure her that she is safe when you are looking after her and teach her to recognise 'how big is my problem's loads of resources online via speech therapist sites or an image search.

@Klaap

Would it really be a big deal for you to just not have a glass of wine when in her presence??

Theres a big movement against alcohol

But I find that once someone slaps you with a 'she drinks too much' label, you can't come back from it

Its used to control people

Anyway, yanbu by the sounds of it, she needs to mind her 10 year old business x

Hm. My mother drank very little but I hated being around her which she did, because she would be tiddly and a bit loud on even one glass of wine. Do you know how much a glass of wine affects you?

oh come on, of course she shouldn't be dictating what you do. You need to address her anxiety and her feelings, or more precisely, your dh does. He needs to have some chats with her about how she's finding things, how have things been since the wedding etc etc and open up a dialogue so she can express her feelings. Something is clearly bugging her and your dh needs to get to the bottom of it.

Yes my DS would have reacted this way to my having a glass of wine when she was younger, she does have an autism diagnosis. She’s 15 now and doesn’t seem bothered anymore but like op, I very rarely drink anyway

Would she understand an analogy with eating or driving? That eating cake or sweets is lovely but eating too much of them is bad, that driving carefully is fine but driving too fast is bad?

As others have said, she might have been taught something or seen someone drunk to spark this off, but it sounds to me as if she might have just picked up on you being slightly different when you’ve had a drink, perhaps more relaxed and more talkative, and it makes her feel uneasy because you’re not being the "normal" you. If you look at it like that, it’s a compliment to you because you are her safe person. I remember hating it the first time I saw my mother fully made-up - she just didn’t look like the "real" her.

But your SD will just have to learn to put up with it and realise that she can’t control what other people do. (Just as it would be unrealistic for you to try to get her to promise never to eat sweets, because eating too many would be bad for her teeth and health.) You have bern more than forbearing in promising never to get drunk; she should not be encouraged to expect any more than that.

You sound positively nasty.

Poor kid must have a reason why she is afraid of adults drinking alcohol. Having said that, she does not get to dictate. I think you need to talk to her about it, explain that not all adults drink too much, promise nothing bad will happen and keep reminding her of those occasions when you had a drink without anything bad happening when she raises it again in future.

Why on earth is a 10 year old even allowed to have an opinion on whether or not you have a glass of wine. It's absolutely none of her business whatsoever. I certainly wouldn't go on holiday with this obnoxious brat.

I’d be worried that she’s experienced something which has given her a fear of drunken people. Does her mother drink? Does she have a step father that could be drunk and scary, could there be DV going on in her other household after people drink, maybe she’s being exposed to shouting, screaming smashed plates/doors etc when people are drunk. That would give a child a fear of alcohol like she’s demonstrating. I think this could be likely, especially as you said she has a tendency to stonewall you for days, maybe it’s because she’s handling things she doesn’t want to openly talk about.

I think instead of you trying to defend yourself and make out that she’s being a problem the first thing you need to do is give her a safe space to open up and talk to you about things. Ask her gently why she is frightened of alcohol, ask if she’s seen people get drunk and act scary before and tell her it’s ok to talk to you about it and make sure she feels safe that you having one or two drinks is not going to lead to that scary behaviour she’s trying to avoid.

I think at 10 years old she must have seen this behaviour before and that’s why she’s frightened, I’d focus on that first.

Her father needs to address this at a deeper level than your step-mom is just going to drink whether you like it or not. Something is going on with your step-daughter. In the short term, you may need to adjust your behavior so that she feels comfortable in her own family while the greater issues are being addressed.

You just carry on being the adult here. A firm no with reassurance. Consistency is key for children.