AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

but a reasonable assumption?

My brain went like this

• 10 year olds might well think that marriage is the prequel to a new baby
• she may well have picked up on the messages about not drinking alcohol in pregnancy
• is this why she is so adamant about you in particular regarding alcohol?

You think OP should give up her very moderate alcohol consumption, even on celebratory occasions, because a ten-year-old wants her to? But the rest of the ten-year-old's family, who drink much more, are free to carry on?

This

I wonder if you and your DH are her safe, trusted people around whom she can relax. It sounds like perhaps she feels less safe around her mum - and that side of the family - when they are all drinking. I am the child of an alcoholic parent, they were never violent and not abusive per se, but they did a lot of stupid stuff 'messing around' which made me feel unsafe and like they couldn't take care of me. They'd also missed out on school performances and so forth. As an adult I still sometimes find it a bit triggering when my DH comes home after having a pint after work, and he barely drinks and wouldn't even be drunk, but him having just one beer suddenly makes me feel like an unsafe kid again.

So I absolutely don't think you are being unreasonable to want to have a couple of drinks at your wedding or on holiday etc. But I wonder if your DSD's anxiety is less about you drinking and more about the drinking she is exposed to when with her mum.

I'd not see anything wrong with suggesting she see a professional to talk this out. She obviously has issues beyond this. Initially I thought maybe she had some kind of health anxiety (as in rather than being concerned about you being "drunk", maybe she was concerned over the "poison" aspect of alcohol and you getting sick). Then when you mentioned the other half of the family, it sounds like it's more to do with knowing she knows she has no control over their choices as it's already their way of life but since its so spasmodic with you, she's probably just trying to prevent you from turning into them do you think? The easiest thing to do is probably to get someone she's not personally involved with to talk it through logically and let her work through her anxieties. I'd imagine most children who come from two homes have some sort of issues with various aspects of control.

oh....bit of a drip feed there OP. I am not sure what you should do about that one.....I mean I think she can't be allowed to control the house but I can see why she might have some genuine anxiety.

My DS used to tell me how many drinks I could have if we went out or on holiday (or he would try to). I was ‘allowed 4’.

This came from his Dads behaviour (my ex) When DS was 4 his Dad got drunk and was arrested whilst he had DS with him.

I wasn’t going to let a child dictate what I did, however I always tried to model great behaviours and ensure he knew that ‘I’ could have a few drinks without putting him in danger or acting like a knobhead.

I used to ignore the demands for the amount of drinks I could have and ignore the counting. I would distract if he sulked. I never got drunk in front of him and did make sure I wasn’t too loud or silly.

He is 20 now and still hasn’t seen me really drunk, despite us still going to gigs and on holidays together. Got to an age where I just can’t be bothered. He likes a few drinks now and his Dad is still an alcoholic who makes a fool out of himself on a regular basis.

Do her anxiety issues have anything to do with emetophobia? I would take a wild card guess that she could be emetophobic which is extremely common in young girls starting from age 8. They will often not admit it but instead end up being treated for OCD, anxiety, social anxiety, eating issues etc.

One form of emetophobia is being terrified of seeing other people throw up, which is can be associated with alcohol. Some emetophobes may attempt to control the the alcohol intake of those around them because they fear that person may become sick.

Whilst reading this I thought exactly the same. My dd is exactly like this, she strangely doesn't mind me drinking whatsoever but hates her stepdad drinking. I think in large part because I'll still just be sat on the couch in my jammies reading whereas dh is more likely to invite folks round or disappear to go visit folks, the unpredictability really unsettles her . He doesn't drink anymore thankfully, whereas I'm currently sat with a beer, she's sat right beside me right now.

Then on top of the rationalising her anxieties (the diet analogy) also remind her that she trusts you in general and she has to trust you on this too. That you will still be safe/keep her safe even if you have a drink.

If you only drink around 4 times a year I dont see why you can't just not have it when she's around you. She's a little girl who is obviously anxious and worried about you.

Dont make her feel like you favour having a drink to how she's feeling. Anxiety is awful for a child.

Agree with this completely, DD is like this and is autistic.

Your stepdaughter is 10 and old enough to learn she can control her own behaviour, not anyone else's. There's also a body autonomy issue, and that would be yours. She's old enough to learn that to.

It's an unreasonable request, so the answer is no.

If she's got anxiety, find out why. If she's afraid of what her family is doing around her when they're drunk, teach her how to get out of that situation. But you don't give in to control measures coming from a 10 year old, that won't help her anxiety, she'll just escalate.

The silent treatment for days is an abuse tactic. She's picking up this over controlling behaviour from somewhere. Who in her family is modeling these behaviours?

That’s a really controlling thing she is asking, and in an adult to adult relationship would be considered abusive. I think you have a lot of work to do with her about autonomy, and how one person cannot control what another chooses to eat, drink, or smoke. She needs to know her role is to set her own boundaries and then stick to them, but she need to know what is normal to ask and what is totally unacceptable. She needs this to navigate friendships and relationships now, and also for her adult life when I would side eye anyone asking this of me. And not want to be friends or in a relationship of any kind with her
Good luck

It sounds to me as if she doesn’t like the raucousness of her maternal family gatherings and is projecting that onto you.

One of the reasons I’m now tea total is that my ex was a big drinker and would frequently take his DD to family get togethers where a lot of alcohol would be consumed. There were never any issues at these events in terms of violence but everyone would get too loud, and silly, and the kids were allowed to run amok and stay up too late. It was really destabilising for DSD, even if at the time she seemed to enjoy it. Perhaps it’s something similar?

I'd be wondering on this basis what she's seen when adults in mum's family are drunk or if anything has happened to her or she's been worried it will, around a drunk adult.

This is a child suffering with anxiety, some of the replies here are shocking. Of course you should be able to have a glass of wine OP but she obviously has a lot of anxiety around this. If her own mother enjoys a boozy occasion then it might well have something to do with that or something that has happened at one of those times.

I wouldn't see it as her sulking, rather struggling with her emotions. Your behaviour is causing her anguish and she doesn't know how to deal with that.

Tell her you can see that she is upset, reassure her that you won't have more than one/two glasses/get drunk or whatever and then move on. Try to change the subject to something happier but if she can't then gently tell her you're going to give her some time to herself and will check in with her again in a while. Don't spend your whole time trying to cajole her into joining in or being happy, give her some space and just go see her in a positive frame of mind every now and then.

I would carry on as usual and make no such promise.

Is she demanding this of her dad? He needs to step up and reassure her that your alcohol consumption is a) not out of control b) not a concern to him and c) not her place to make such demands

I would carry on as usual and make no such promise.

Is she demanding this of her dad? He needs to step up and reassure her that your alcohol consumption is a) not out of control b) not a concern to him and c) not her place to make such demands