AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

I think she's at an age where you suddenly start noticing adults drinking and it can and does make some uncomfortable. I was 10 when I started to realise my parents drank alcohol and I hated it. I asked them to stop. I probably demanded they stop too. They didn't, because - as you've said here, they were the adults and they did what they wanted. I was shit scared of it. I would loathe and dread the weekend cause they didn't drink during the working week. I would be in my bed, with the pillow over my head to pretend it wasn't happening.
Now, let me be 100% clear here - my parents weren't stumbling around drunk, and they weren't in any way unpleasant after a drink. That didn't matter. I couldn't deal with the fact that the adults had 'changed' and acted differently.

I grew up to be an adult who rarely drinks. I didn't drink at all in my student years - now I probably drink around 10 units in a year. I've never been drunk, ever. I still hate people people being under the influence. I don't mind my husband having a beer or two but any more makes me uncomfortable. Genuinely scared if it's enough to make him too different and again, I have to emphasise that he is in no way a threat, ever. My mind just can't deal with it.

Basically, what I saying is, don't be hard on her. Don't necessarily skip alcohol all the time, but appreciate where she's coming from. Children can't escape a situation they fear. As an adult, I can walk away, drive away, get away in some form from people drinking if I need to. I don't even have to put myself in the situation. But as a child, I couldn't do that. I had to just cope, albeit with the pillow over my head sometimes.

I can't tell you why I started fearing people drinking at age 10. Nothing bad happened to me. But I remember being the child who couldn't do anything to avoid it. You have so little control of your surroundings. You just have to exist while adults do their thing around you. Give her the grace and respect that maybe she's not trying to be controlling. She may be like me.

I’m not even sure why you are entertaining this. She’s 10, you are the adult. Tell her to mind her own business.

I know a 11 you like this, they got a big "dont drink alcohol" talk at school and she has applied this info meant for 11yos to her parents

Changing normal, reasonable behaviour to try and remove a source of anxiety is a really bad idea for anyone, but especially for a child. Having this much power over someone who is in a parental position is ultimately the scariest thing of all for a child.

It might seem an odd suggestion, but maybe having a small glass of wine more often, at home, and demonstrating how it doesn't change you at all, would benefit her?

If she sees you as a person who doesn't drink, and then, just three or four times a year, you behave differently, maybe that's why she gets anxious. That it's out of character for you and a bit scary.

I know mumsnetters are generally horrified by this, but I most evenings, I have a very small glass of wine with my evening meal. I buy a bottle of wine a week, and don't always finish it, so it genuinely is a small glass.
If it became more routine (maybe you have a small glass with Sunday lunch) she'd have more opportunities to learn that it's okay, and you're still you after it.

As the child of an alcoholic, and as someone who rarely drinks, I get where she is coming from. People are different, even after one drink. That's why the drink driving limit is so low! She knows what her mother and her family are like when drunk, and can see a similarity in you, even if it rarely happens and not to their level. I suspect she sees you as a sensible adult who is always the same and very predictable, a safe space, and is worried that this safety will disappear. (I see other posters have mentioned autism - this type of thinking could be bottom up processing) I don't know what the answer is, though. There's definitely something else going on.

So she's in her puritan phase is she? Ultimately you have a choice. You can give her a platform to discuss this and allow her to be controlling or you can tell her firmly "Thank you for your opinion, but I'm an adult and I don't need permission. I drink very moderately and I intend to continue doing so."

If she’s otherwise a good kid, I’d probably talk to her to understand what exactly it is that upsets her about it and try to work through that. Whether it’s a health concern - in which case do some research with her to show her that her anxiety is not aligned to reality, or if it’s behaviour changes then understand what they are to see if you can mitigate them - like can you agree to certain alcohol free days on holiday missed in with some where you have a couple of drinks for example.

No, she can’t dictate to you, but I think it depends where this is coming from as to how I’d deal with it. If it’s just obnoxiousness and control then no, you tell her you’ll do as you please. If she’s a good kid who is genuinely feeling upset by something in particular then I’d try to understand and see what I could do to help.

Sounds damaged not rude imo

I've got two children with autism. Raising them without alcohol would have been fucking BRUTAL!

I'm afraid I'd shut this down and I'd not put up with the silent treatment either. She's growing up to be a controlling, manipulator - this will be how she treats her intimate partner as a grown up and its simply abusive.

DS hated me drinking at that age as he had witnessed his Dad being fall down drunk a couple of times. I have never been a big drinker so I guess if he saw me having one he had flashbacks. He's fine now he's an adult!

Well, that’s quite the dripfeed. She clearly doesn’t like her mum getting tipsy and is projecting that on to you, then.

She still, however, shouldn’t be allowed to dictate when you can have a glass of wine.

Why should she?

Its just a glass of wine and especially if it will be her Birthday while she is away. Why should she not be able to celebrate her own Birthday with a glass or two of wine if she wants to?

Her DSD doesn't get to dictate what she has and when. The OP having the odd glass of wine isn't the problem the SD is.

Surely they need to find out why she thinks and feels like this and help her to see that drinking alcohol in moderation is not a bad thing and nothing for her to be concerned about.

I get her. My dad and step mum were middle class social drinkers. Never drunk, perfectly in control, drank during meals and friends.

I hated it too. They spoke to me differently. Either more lovingly which was embarassing or by making subtle fun of me. They became loud and silly.

The state that made them relax is a state that made me umconfortable. I didn't feel safe in the same way. They of course thought they were absolutely fine. I however never said anything to them about it.

I don't drink at all as an adult. I never considered whether it was linked. One sure thing, I'm not autistic in any way!

she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk

These are not the words of a child who's had a lesson in school that alcohol is unhealthy.

They're the words of a child who's anxious and frightened about yet another adult in their life being drunk and unreliable. Either your dh or his ex has a lot to answer for, probably.

@Klaap I think you have handled it really well so far. You have made a promise that you can keep and is a reasonable compromise.

I woukd suggest that if there are alcohol issues within mum's famiky, this isnt about jealousy or anxiety and is a reaction to behavior she has witnessed.

I would make sure her dad (or you if you have a good enough bond) has a chat about why someone drinking upsets her so much.

What is rumour dh's relationship like with his ex? Sounds like there has been an incident that has unsettled her. Look after her to ensure there is not a safeguarding situation brewing

She has never talked about mum drinking I just know they do because step son will talk about it sometimes.

When I was a kid, my mum used to drink in the evenings and honestly she became a different person, it's hard to describe, more quick to annoyance, slower to respond to anything (seemingly deliberate), almost like she didn't want me there.. by the next morning she was back to being my lovely mum, then I used to feel terribly guilty about not feeling okay around her. We're 30 years on and certain people I find hard to be around when they are drunk because these act the same way as she used to.. I never say anything, but I avoid being around them in drinking occasions.

If her mum drinks, and she trusts you and feels safe around you I can see why she is freaked out by you drinking and becoming a bit different.

You shouldn't have to stop, but you could try being more understanding.. it may be coming from a place that she can't really comprehend objectively.

I remember my stepson at a similar age asking if I was drunk after a couple of glasses of wine. Turns out he had been learning about alcohol at school and how it is bad for you etc..

Op shouldn't be allowed a glass of wine at her own wedding, or birthday? What if the child decides Op shouldn't be allowed to drive, or sit in her own living room next?

If you pander to this you'll make a rod for your own back as this one becomes a teenager, imo.

Kids go through phases of this I think. I remember it myself. I think it's when you're old enough to understand that adults are free to break the rules that your parents set for you and it's jarring. I was obsessively anti-drugs when I was about 11 and never shut up about it despite never having seen or known anyone used them.

My parents didnt drink but if they did and I started dictating to them I can guarantee that I would only ever try it once 🤨

I'd try to get to the bottom of her anxiety about drinking but I wouldn't let her tell you off for drinking Op, she's a child, you're an adult, no good comes of letting your DSD think she can order you about, it's a slippery slope

Absolutely this

Poor kid..
It's good she had managed to tell you she feels scared when you have a drink. There must be more to it....

In time she will understand that you can drink moderately and still provide safety but it does sound like there's work to be done in understanding what has provoked this.
I dont think it's jealousy or wanting to spoil your fun and I do think it's to be taken seriously and you'll be able to get her to relax around it with time and understanding.