AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

OP you sound like you have a good relationship with DSD and a sensitive understanding of the cause of this. Behaviour is communication and I think you're picking up the messages around rejection anxiety, reassurance that her life isn't going to be upheaved again etc.

I don't think you necessarily need to work with her about the specifics of alcohol. Instead you could focus on activities together that help build mutual trust. Climbing was the first thing that sprang to mind as something that safely and gently pushes you out of your comfort zone in a very controlled environment but there are probably better suggestions!

(Not that a child needs to be encouraged to tolerate drunk adults, but more to build a foundation where DSD feels that your relationship with her is safe and secure).

I do think PP's point about adults changing even with one drink is important too however. For a child of divorced parents, they've already experienced adults changing and things they thought were permanent suddenly proving not to be. For DSD perhaps any change in parental attitude signals an unconscious feeling of "everything will fall apart".

Has she seen scary adverts about alcohol abuse, or had a talk about the dangers of alcohol at school, or are any people she spends time ardent teetotallers? You need a conversation about the difference between having a few drinks and being drunk or an alcoholic and that children can't drink alcohol because their bodies are too young. She can't dictate what you do but you can try to find out why it upsets her so much and allay her worries.

Of course a 10 year old shouldn’t dictate to you, but it can be quite unsettling for a child when an adult they know well ‘changes’ with drink. I have family members who become like different human beings even after one drink and it frustrates me, even as a grown adult. They don’t realise they are doing it. They aren’t drunk, but they are different.

A child might find this confusing and worrying.

Is there any behaviour in children which doesn't instantly get suggested as autism, ADHD or one of the half a dozen other acronyms/syndromes by some people on here?
As opposed to "I'm a grown adult doing grown adult things so thank you for your input however I'm making my own choices, as you will want to do when you are older, in the meantime, cheers!"...and in this case then saying to DH "your circus and your monkeys...".

Children who have anxiety DO have anxiety for no reason. Rooting around in her past will not make her less anxious.

Absolutely do not do this.
Accommodating her anxiety is a sure fire way to make her more anxious.
It is much better for children to be told "I know you're worried about this, but I'm sure you'll be fine".
Don't tell her she shouldn't worry or deny her feelings.
But don't change what you are doing to make her feel better - that tells her she isn't strong enough to handle normal situations like an adult having a glass of wine.

Children with anxiety don’t just have anxiety, for no reason whatsoever. She is obviously carrying something mentally that needs to be heard and supported. Your alcohol use is your business but I don’t think children should see adults even tipsy. It does make them feel unsafe and they do easily detect changes no matter how subtle. 10 year olds are highly aware so you probably were talking more loudly.

Alcohol is way too important to most people.

Perhaps she has been let down by the other adults in her life because they were drinking @Klaapand you and her Dad are her “safe” people and she is fearful you will lose control if you drink ?

Children of alcoholics often feel shamed and will help hide a parent's drinking for them. I was that child. You know the drinking is not normal so hide it

This!!!

There is a lot to unpick with this

trying to control by withdrawing communication

making demands that are not appropriate

has your step daughter made other demands previously? Have other demands been agreed by other adults?

My DS, he's 11, told me I was an alcoholic as I sipped a glass of wine, the school has told them alcohol is Very Bad and anyone who drinks has a problem.

I told him that wasn't the case. His sister was told similarly and now rather likes a drink on a night out, although doesn't drink regularly (she's 17)

YANBU, and I think that if you do give in to this request, it would just reinforce her mistaken (IMO) belief that even small amounts of drink are dangerous.

However, I disagree with those who imply that she is just a cheeky brat who needs putting in her place. It's likely that she's had some negative experience with adults drinking, which has made her anxious. This does not necessarily mean alcoholism or falling-down-drunkenness, though it could. Some people become much more emotional and verbally aggressive when slightly drunk, and even if this doesn't reach levels of frank abuse, it can be very distressing to a child. Others may behave embarrassingly..

One other possibility is that she has been exposed to someone expressing very strong religious objections to alcohol (my Methodist grandmother called wine 'the Devil's brew') and has been given the impression that any drinking will lead to disaster, perhaps even to Hell!

Does she do the same with DH when he drinks? It sounds like only you is affected?

Why did you need to ask DH whether you were falling over drunk in front of her? You’d know this surely?

In your post you felt the need to justify every drink eg. by saying wine was included with the meal or it was your birthday. Why are you being defensive to the Mumsnet readers?

I feel the your stepdaughter has seen drunken behaviour from family members, what about her Mum and Stepdad?

The black and white thinking is more a trauma response the autism.

I think you need to have a gentle talk with her about drinking before Easter holidays in a bit of unpicking and reassuring way. I would also focus on not giving out the vibes @Passaggressfedup described if you are drinking. However I would not tell her off for trying to stop you drinking. I know it looks like control but it comes from a point of concern so be gentle with her.
I would also ask at school if they discussed anything. Reacting so black and white is not a good sign. I wouldn’t say it’s autism but it’s unhealthy and better to be addressed.

Aww this is actually really sad. You're her safe space and in her head alcohol makes people unpredictable which shes likely seen on her mothers side. It only takes 1 or 2 incidents for her to be terrified by drinking. She needs a lot of love and reassuring

Poor kid. This is such classic behaviour of a child of an alcoholic. You are totally focusing on the wrong thing here. Of course, a 10 year old can’t demand you don’t drink on your wedding day. But how awful must her home life be that she is so anxious about your drinking. It’s bubbling up with you because you are a safe person. I say this as a recovering alcoholic, your dh needs to get to the bottom of what’s going on a home with her mum. 100% there are things happening that she is trying to tell you she needs your help with.

OP one my parents had a serious alcohol problem and I felt very unsafe at home because of it. Although they never physically harmed me, emotionally they did. They also did very stupid things like forgetting the grill was on and it going on fire. I cannot help but still be unnerved by certain situations involving drink and I am in my mid 40s now.

I think your dd is being quite negatively impacted by someone's drinking most likely a close female relative. She sees you as a safe person but becomes anxious the minute you drink because of her experiences. She cant help that if it is whats happening however that doesn't mean you need to stop drinking. You have made her a promise which by keeping she will see you do keep them. Continue to model to her safe and appropriate drinking habits because as she matures she should begin to realise your drinking is different and she has nothing to fear. Keep the lines of communication open. If she starts on at you when your drinking remind her that you promised not to get drunk so wont be but will be having 1 or 2 drinks. Let her know she can talk to you about what worries her about drinking if she wants. As she gets older she may well open up more about it all. I suspect you will find someone has displayed behaviour whilst drunk that has unnerved her or made he feel unsafe.

I don’t even drink and no, you are not being unreasonable.

It’s a bad sign that alcohol is making her so anxious but expecting you to change perfectly reasonable behaviour is not the way to go.

Suspect she has seen someone violent when drunk. I am not keen on seeing my husband even tipsy because of an alcoholic father.

As others have said - is there someone in her life who drinks?

or, hear me out. Is there any chance she’s on the Autistic spectrum? Because this is the kind of black and white thinking my kids have.

So if school did a lesson that drugs and alcohol are bad. Therefore any alcohol is equivalent in their minds to crack cocaine. Added to this the anxiety of parents splitting and remarrying, it could come out as an extreme phobia like anxiety.

She sounds unsettled OP. Without knowing what’s causing it I expect she’s using the alcohol as a control thing, maybe she’s looking for reassurance. My only suggestion would be to keep the peace whilst her DPs work on her anxiety.

When you’re away drink what ever you like, just tell her it’s a mocktail 😂😂