AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

Her father needs to deal with this in a straight forward and firm manner.

Personally I would put the needs of an anxious 10 year old girl ahead of my need to have a couple of glasses of wine.

Bless her, she sounds that she really cares for you, in her 10 year old way.

Of course no, she doesn't get to dictate your drinking and as others have said, find out why she's being like this if can. It may be a good time to teach her about responsible drinking and that a glass now and then is responsible.

If you don’t drink around her then that will reinforce her belief that you might be danger if you have alcohol. You need to carry on as normal and when she makes a fuss tell her that she is being silly, there is nothing to worry about.
She has got the wrong end of the stick about drinking somehow, maybe she’s neurodiverse, maybe she’s trying to control you, maybe someone else in her life is drinking too much - it’s impossible to say from just this thread. Her dad needs to try and get to the bottom of this without making it a big deal: I know that’s probably not going to be easy.
For your part, you should just carry on as normal, reassuring her when necessary whilst also making it clear that she doesn’t have the right to spoil your fun when you’re not doing anything wrong.

Ah, interesting. Dd is autistic.

Dd was like this at that age. They’d had a six week (once a week) course at school where someone from the police came and spoke to them about the evils of alcohol and drugs. Really scared her.

I find my mum really annoying when she’s had a drink, I can’t explain why. I don’t have that with my dad. It’s just the way I feel but also my relationship with my mum is more complicated.
it sounds like your SD feels insecure and anxious when she sees a slight change in your behaviour when you’ve had a drink. Her asking you reassuring questions might mean she doesn’t trust you 100% you’ll stick around, her parents split up, what’s stopping you and her father splitting up too? Since you don’t drink often she’s not used to seeing you like that.
i don’t think you should never have a drink when she’s around but maybe having chats about it and how your feelings towards her won’t change. A sulking child is a child testing you, a needy child. Give her lots of reassurance

My 10 year old daughter does this to me! I think they get told at school that it’s dangerous and then in their heads it becomes more of a concern than it should be. I’ve told her not to worry and that alcohol in moderation is fine. She doesn’t have autism just anxious her mum is going to get unwell (I’m a single mum so I get it).

You're completely in the right to indulge in the odd glass of wine, of course. Nobody sensible would claim otherwise.

The problem lies in the way you pander to her nonsense. I barely notice anyone sulking, certainly never try to cajole them out of it. So long as she is basically doing what is required with chores, going to school etc let her sulk silently for days if she likes. You've already tried talking to her, so unless you plan to have your life ruled by a child, you need to learn to treat her like a child. She's not in charge of you.

She needs to know they you can drink but have limits and be ok

and why every now and then I have a drink in front of dd.

she knows I don’t get drunk and won’t be behaving like her dad

I wonder if she will try booze at 14 🙀 16/18 or if he’s put her off it

I'm not sure there's a right or wrong way to go about this op. At the end of the day this is something she's obviously struggling with and it could be a sign of ND or it could be that she feels uncomfortable around her mums family when they're drinking and she likes that she feels safer with you because things are just - calmer. Even if her mum and the family aren't necessarily doing anything 'wrong'.

You could have a chat with her and explain that some grown ups misuse alcohol and others are very careful with it, and you make a point of being very careful with it so you can still be there for her and her brother if they ever need you. So she doesn't need to worry about how you use alcohol.

But tbh I think if it were me and I knew it were making her uncomfortable and I wasn't sure of the reason why I'd honestly probably cut right back and drink when she's not around until I had a clearer understanding of where it was coming from or maybe wait until she's a little older and maybe more aware of alcohol and how it actually works. I've worked with a lot of children who have had traumatic incidents and even though alcohol itself wasn't the actual issue, the smell and seeing someone drinking would be really triggering so it's something I'd be very mindful of. Especially because you really don't know what's happening when she's at mums or with mums extended family.

Right now she's obviously trying to figure out her role with you and your role with her and it sounds like you're meeting a need that she isn't for whatever reason getting meet with mum on some level.

I remember having a real bee in my bonnet about that age, about my parents drinking and smoking, I was absolutely convinced they were going to die on me in the imminent future - all a result of stuff we were doing at school at the time.

In fairness to me - my parents were/are alcoholic, and it is what killed my Mother in the end (aged 63) but my fear at the time wasn't hugely rational really, it was a combination of hard hitting info from school plus my age.

What I think is much more concerning is her behaviour - going into a mood, silent treatment, sulking around. That needs dealing with, its not an appropriate response and she needs to know that.

I'd be clear with her 'I know you're upset/don't like xyz situation, I am not asking you to like it! But being rude and moody or silent treatment is not the way to resolve anything - come and talk to us when you feel like doing that properly'.

And then DO NOT pander, do not try to cajole her, don't dig, just carry on daily life as normal and do not under any circumstances let her think you even notice her stropping about or going silent.

If she does come round and talk to you or start behaving nicely, again just continue as normal do not make any sort of a big deal about it (like 'there, see isn't it nicer when you're nice'). Just let her find out for herself that unpleasant behaviour achieves nothing and pleasant behaviour does indeed feel nicer.

She sounds like a mini controller

It def makes you wonder what she has been exposed to

I'm going to address this from your daughter's perspective, because to be honest, none of your follow up posts have surprised me in the least.

First of all, your new husband is a twit to assure you that she doesn't have any traumatic experiences- how would he know? He doesn't live in her head, never mind live with her 24/7. He doesn't know what she's witnessing with her mum or her mum's family.

It's clearly apparent that alcohol plays a role in her mum's life, and she is exposed to the behavioural changes. At 10, neither of my parents were alcoholics, but they drank enough that I had seen them drunk, and been scared by how they were out of control. At first, it was amusing because they were sillier, and less inhibited. But I gradually became aware, even though I couldn't have articulated it, that their judgment was impaired. They made decisions they wouldn't have made sober, including decisions for me. I felt highly vulnerable, and like I had to be responsible for looking after myself until they sobered up. As their drinking got heavier, that became indubitably true.

As an adult, it took years before I could be around anyone drinking without panicking they were going to get paralytic.

This. U picking it is the best way forward. That's her dad's job. If you / he can't unpick it it's fine to say no and why. Difficult topics I chip away at little by little. So you might have try a few times.

Different for me as sometimes the net result is "I'm your mum not your mate and I'm the boss" but I don't just go in "because I said so". Listen. State your reasons.

Id seeks some professional advise. But she is way out of line at 10. Do you think her mum has put an idea in her head? Doesn't seem like a normal thing for a 10 year old to say I don't feel safe etc.

I know. I replied twice now to other posters saying I realised it wasn't a good plan.

She seems really upset. I wouldn’t stop drinking but I would share with both her parents who they can discuss the root of this worry as it isn’t healthy for her

Definitely this!

Does she get her way at Mum's?

The demands and silent spells scream 'little madam' and the source of that is usually them being spoiled or overly indulged.

The worst thing you could do is bow to her demands, IMO. She clearly needs to learn that others don't have to do what she says.

If you think she's coming from a better place and is worried, maybe have a word with her about it. It's weird that she's focused it on you, not her Dad.

You have said her mum drinks and family events are boozy and at the wedding you were louder than usual. That is all the issue is. It is so destabilising for her to see adults drunk and she just doesn’t want you to be like that too. Have some empathy

No - any unusual behaviour has to be given a diagnosis. It’s the fashion these days.

This is interesting as it could be the only time that she has a reason to control you as some people think alcohol is a vice. Of course you are a responsible adult and even if you did get a little merry you have done nothing wrong. From what you have told us so far she is either trying to find a way to control you or has had an experience in the past with adults and alcohol. Maybe her father needs to investigate this further.

For example drink out of a cup or opaque water bottle so she can't see what's inside. Or try and mainly drink when she's not present.

This is the exact opposite of what op should do. She needs to desensitise her DSD by making a point of drinking in her presence (a) to normalise it and (b) to make it very clear that a 10 year old does not get to tell adults what to do.